Places we won't walk

Chapter 1

I set the phone down, my hands shaking and my knees weak. A tear slipped past my lashes and I stared blankly out of my window. The sky was a pale grey-blue and the cement buildings around me brought no comfort. My eyes skimmed across the small square lights that freckled the grey walls in front of my window. All of those lights were people. People who loved someone. People who still had their lovers. Not one person like me. I'm the only one. I'm the odd one out. I'm the only unhappy one. I'm the only one allowed to be unhappy. The rest of them haven't felt pain. They aren't allowed to be sad. It's selfish to think that way, sure, but who was to stop me? No one. None of them could. Only she could. And she wasn't here anymore. She didn't love me anymore. My throat tightened and my tongue dried up. I shut my eyes for a brief moment and tried to take it all in. I tried desperately to stop the tears from flowing as a million thoughts ran through my head. It's not true. It couldn't be. My eyes opened and I immediately caught sight of my blurry phone. My blood started to boil. With whatever strength I had left in my hopeless body, I threw it at the wall and shouted. It didn't shatter, didn't even crack. The walls around me didn't come alive to comfort me. It just bounced back and landed with a thud on the floor. I fell to my knees and the streams became rivers down my cheeks. It wasn't possible. She'd be home on Thursday. She'd walk in with that smile on her face and come to find me before she even took off her coat. She didn't leave me. She wouldn't. 

My hands found my hair and I started tugging on it, scratching at my scalp as if the pain would change anything. It didn't. I balled my hand into a fist and brought it down against my skull. Again and again and again and again, until I started a headache. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted it all to go away. I wanted her to leave me alone. I wanted me to leave me alone. I wanted screaming in the silence and I wanted silence in the screaming. I wanted light in the darkness but I craved blindness in the light. The pain didn't stop, no matter how much I wished it would. I gave up on slamming my fist into my skull and began hitting my chest instead, hoping maybe I'd crack a rib and split my skin. Hoping maybe, I could pull my beating heart out of my chest and feel the pain fade away. Hoping maybe I'd see her dancing in my palm so I could finally rest. Mere moments felt like hours. I couldn't get off the floor. I gave up on hitting myself and just let myself cry instead, listening to my silent hiccups breaking the silence every few moments. My head stung and my chest felt sore. I felt as if they'd cave in any moment. I prayed that they would. Warm orange light embraced me. I looked up and numbly watched the sun set behind the concrete jungle. The sun left me too. I had nothing left. I had no one left. I weakly stood up and walked right past my discarded phone into our room. I didn't bother changing out of my three day old grey shirt and black shorts. I didn't have the energy. I flopped onto my bed, disregarding the pale pink sheets we picked out together when we moved in. I didn't need the covers on me to stay warm, I'd be fine. What if she got home early? How could I jump up to greet her with the covers tying me down? I almost laughed at how optimistic I sounded when I knew the truth. Part of me didn't want to believe it. I shut my eyes and listened to the silence but it was no help. No silence was loud enough to drown out what I'd heard on the phone earlier.

I opened my eyes and stared at her pillow, where she had slept just a few days ago. The bed smelt like her- like warm coffee and sugar. My eyes began to tear up at her scent. She isn't gone. She'd be home soon. She promised.