Dancing with the Devil || Complete

~Funeral~

Chapter 18

Mateo's Pov

How can a person be so happy and in the next feel as if they're dying all at once?...

I state this in my head is we prepare her burial. All I can see is darkness even if the sun is shining brighter than ever, practically blinding me. Even the sun knew they had to be here for her before she'd go into the dark.....Even the fucking sun wanted to show her just how much they'd envied her because of how bright she was...not only I but everyone will be missing her light....

"Hang in there bud..." I look to see Ian grasping onto my shoulder in hopes of comforting me.

All I can do is nod so that the clog in my throat won't escape and cause me to fucking bawl my eyes out. But goddammit it's so fucking hard not to....

I shrug his hand off my shoulder and head in the opposite direction...towards anywhere to anyone, anything...as long as I got away from seeing her in the casket she didn't belong in.

I fucking hated funerals ever since Lara. And yet here I am again burying her...a woman who cared for me more than I cared for myself....it's so fucking unfair!

Why the fuck am I still here if all the people I have left, and hold dear will eventually leave me?....

I let out a deep sigh and breath in looking out into the field where we'd laid down all those we'd lost and loved...and now she would be joining them...

I stiffen feeling a presence come to join me, but relax seeing it's only my father. His arms are crossed over his chest, he to lets out a deep sigh. I'd wanted to say that I wanted to be left the fuck alone, but he hadn't said anything...so I didn't say anything...and we just stood there silently feeling our comfort grow as we each calmed ourselves from breaking down....in silence, for the first time ever...it's as if her loss brought us together knowing we would both need each other...that I would need my father, the only other person who understood me just as much as her...

After a while Angelo comes down to break the silence, informing us that we'd needed to go as the ceremony was going to start. But me and my father don't budge, not moving a single muscle. Not until a few minutes go by and he turns towards the ceremony, patting me on the back before leaving me.

With him gone, I looked over the field with souls lingering around, knowing she'd soon be here too. Letting out a smile as I headed towards her, ready to say my goodbyes....Even though I fucking hated goodbyes....

Withe every step my heart is one step closer to fucking breaking and so am I....

For some goddamn reason it's so fucking hard to breathe, and I want to just be left alone while I break down and cry....While I'm sobbing my ass off as I caress her peaceful looking face for the final time....

But I can't be alone...because that wouldn't be fair if I was the only one who go to see her go....Fuck fair though, if anything was fair she would be standing here with me with the biggest smile on her face.....Instead I'm looking down on her pale and frail body....

My knees start to feel weak and wobbly as fuck but I stay standing because my pride is too fucking big for me to just give it up...oh how much I needed her to just hold me up and tell me I'd be okay...and as if she heard my cries, I feel small warm arms wrap around the side of my waist as their body leans against me....

I look down, ready to rip off the fucker who'd dared to touch me, but I stop as they whisper in my ear, "It's ok not to be okay..."

And with those two words, I can't help but allow a small tear to escape....

........Then another....

.........And another....

More and more begin to form as I shake uncontrollably, my hands grasping onto the casket she'd been placed inside..... I feel every part of me ache as I allow myself to not be okay...letting myself go....Allowing myself to fucking grieve for once...Giving zero fucks as to who heard...and it felt so damn good.

The memories of what had conspired on my wedding day begin to hit me, as I pull the person beside my closer....my chin resting on their head while they hold me up knowing I'm too goddamn heavy but not saying a thing because I needed it....and I thanked fucking God that she and Lara didn't leave me without knowing I would be okay...because I had her...

I hold on tighter to Nola's body that's hugging me with all the strength in her, doing her best not to cry with me knowing I couldn't bear to watch her bawl her eyes out and that I needed my fucking moment....I take a breath in and pull her even closer to ensure she'd never leave my side...but knowing that my mom and Lara would never allow me to lose her, no matter what...

I smiled inside knowing I'd never have to say Goodbye to Nola because they both knew how much I hated goodbyes....

"It's ok orsetto...I've got you...I'm here for you" she says with as much sincerity and strength in her voice... as her arms hold on tighter to me.

And with that I knew I would be okay....Even if sometimes I felt as if I wasn't okay, as if my world seemed like it was broken and grey, that she would be here to brighten it back and sew me up. And even if I couldn't be fixed that was okay too, because I had her...my Nola...mi amore... my malysh to hold me up, keeping my broken pieces and be by my side just like she'd said....

I remember the day at the hospital as the Doctor informed me that my Mamasha had been killed during the shooting when she'd protected me from getting shot....she'd been the one to call out my name, and sacrificed her own life for mine...

The pain of losing her is unimaginable, just as it was when I'd lost Lara...but it wasn't as painful because I had her holding me up the entire time when I'd lost Lara...and now I may not have her but I do have Nola...and everyday I will be fucking grateful to have had her been placed in my life....and I know that she will fucking brighten our days and nights now more then ever....just cause that's who she is...

My mamasha was pretty fucking stubborn, and seemed obnoxious but she did it out of love, and boy did she fucking love. I'm gonna miss her, but I know she'd probably hit me on the head or tell me not to waste my tears because she'd be happy right now so we'd all have to be happy...that's just the kind of person she was, the kind of woman she was....

Her casket slowly sinks into her final resting place, with not flowers, but cash made to look life flowers, because she's allergic to flowers and she'd rather smell money then flowers for the rest of her life in the grave...

I feel my heart warmth once more with a hint of joy as I imagine her scolding those that had brought flowers to throw instead of cash made into flowers...and slowly, she gets farther and farther away from me...but in the slightest way I didn't feel saddened because somehow I knew she would always be watching over us, and it fucking creeped me out just as much as I felt glad....so I smiled aloud in honour of her.

Hey ya'll! I am so sorry for taking so long to write once again, I have just been lacking inspiration to write, I also felt kinda bummed and had some thoughts that almost made me rethink on the publishing of this book.BUT, have no fear! I will not unpublish this book I will commit because I came here inspired to make it so I might as well just finish it...Ok that's it that's all, don't forget to COMMENT AND VOTE!! I love you whoever you are stranger<33 Have a great day/night!!

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