In My Veins

Dreaming Alone

Spencer Hastings wasn't a slut. She had made sure she didn't come off that way. She was simply trying to move on. And maybe meaningless sex was the best way for her to do that.

So tonight she lays on the right side of the bed, her body bare and covered in the cheap sheets her latest conquest had laid on his bed.

Maybe Justin wasn't her type. He was a sloppy college kid who was just getting by on what his job at the campus bookstore could earn him. But he was someone who was willing to lend himself to Spencer's recovery, only if for a night.

Most importantly, he wasn't the blue eyed boy who had broken her heart.

It was for the best, Spencer assured herself. She had spent so much time on him, fighting with him, being unsure of their future, putting him through danger for her, it was better now that they had cut the cord. There were other people that would be much easier to be with.

But no one could love her like he did, with so much abandon, so much need. And for as long as she lived, she would never be able to love anyone like she had loved Toby Cavanaugh.

But lack of devotion was easy, and easy was what she needed to heal.

So this was her life now, thinking about him every time her mind wandered from its usual routine. Dreaming that it was him holding her, not someone new. Knowing that this was a chapter of her life that she was done with, and nothing more. She was constantly torn between wanting to be with him and being grateful she wasn't, but above all, she hoped she wasn't dreaming alone.
-
He didn't sleep very well nowadays, mostly because of his ever-raging thoughts. He counted the scars from losing her during every waking moment, and nighttime was certainly no exception.

His downward spiral into crippling depression was only fueled by regret for letting her go. He could've fought harder, he could've proved how much he loved her. He could've made it harder for her to move on to someone else.

He knew that she had, too. She had made it quite clear to him that she would be able to find someone else, someone better than him. She would have no problem with that, being the incredible woman she was. But she had her faults, ones that Toby felt only he could understand.

She was his girl. But she slipped through his fingers, into the palm of someone else's hands.

And all Toby needed to know to save him now, was to know that she was thinking about him, too. He needed to know that he wasn't dreaming alone.
-
This couldn't go on any longer, she decided. She couldn't keep guessing. She couldn't bear not knowing if she was still a part of his life, or if he had moved on.

Deep down, Spencer still loved him every bit as much as when they were together. Realizing how dull her life was without Toby had been a wake up call. It was excruciating, not being able to show him how much she still loved him.

She walked up the stairs to his loft, not caring that it was four in the morning and that the boy on her mind was probably asleep. She needed an escape from her raging thoughts and endless what-ifs.

Upon unlocking the door with the key that she still possessed, she found that the light was on in the bedroom, a sure sign that Toby was awake. She crept inside and saw him sitting on the bed, his head in his hands.

"Spencer," he gasped upon seeing her. "What are you doing here?" She expected anger, maybe annoyance in his voice, but instead was met with a much more heartbreaking emotion.

He just sounded broken.

Spencer just now noticed how bloodshot his eyes were. He had been crying. He hadn't been sleeping. She really had broke him.

Yet she couldn't quite bring herself to apologize for walking away. He being a cop was supposed to protect her, but instead, he had sent her into a deeper heartbreak than she had ever known.

But he was her only solution so every problem her troublesome life prevented her with. He was her life.

"I-" she stuttered, still not making eye contact. "I came to apologize. For leaving you."

At this, the man in front of her sat up a little straighter, begging her to look at him.

"How are you the one apologizing? I'm the one that told you to walk away. I don't deserve your forgiveness, much less your apology."

Her heart nearly broke at his confession, but she somehow held it together.

"I thought about you every night. I found out that it is impossible to move on from someone as extraordinary as you," she almost laughed.

Spencer knelt down so that she could finally meet his eyes.

"My heart only belongs to you."

"I don't deserve something so pure. So honest."

Spencer sighed. "That's why I walked away. 'We accept the love we think we deserve', right? I don't deserve your love. I don't accept it. But you love me anyway, and that's something no one else could ever do."

Gathering the fabric of her shirt between his fingers, he was reminded of a similar instance not long ago. He was the one who didn't deserve her, certainly not the other way around. She had forgiven all the awful things he'd done, and still loved him the same through all of his faults.

They kissed, and it was like they were whole again. Like two halves of an incomplete soul bonding together again, becoming full of life again.

The made love, and it was like they didn't know anything else. Like the only thing that mattered was that they were here now, their love for each other finally being able to be expressed freely.

And it was all made apparent: they were never dreaming alone. Because even when they were apart, they were the only thing coursing through the other's mind. And when they were together, it was a feeling that could never feel with one of the other six billion people on the earth.
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Taken directly from the lyrics of dreaming alone by against the current.