My Heart. My Flesh

prelude

Calm. Calm. Calm.

Damnit. Damnit. Damnit.

I loved you why did you have to fight me like all the rest?

You made me feel something. You made the voices lower to solemn whispers. I felt love.

Unlike those other harlots, I felt that you would at least last one more day.

I saw how you put up with that man-whore you now call a husband. No no no. He doesn't appreciate you like I do.

Does he have a lock of your hair in his pillow case? NO.

Does he know all of your family and friend's first, middle, and last names? NO.

Does HE know that you've dyed your hair over 62 times in the past 3 months?? Doubtfully.

I DO. I knew all there was about you. Now I hold your body I studied from a far, through the window, and just now extensively tonight, up close.

*Inhale* *exhale* Calm down. I must be practical about this. You're not here anymore. You've left me, like everyone else. Like my father. Like my mother. Just like theirs, your body may be here, but it's no longer you. Just the flesh puppet of your Paragon beauty. Just a pretty piece of flesh, growing colder by the second.

*Rap tap tap*

"Hello? Daniel? No-no... DANTE, right? It's Kenny, apartment 13? We talked in the laundry Matt that once. I heard somethin', are you all good man?"

How inconvenient.

I open the door, "yes, everything is fine. Another pipe leak is all, I just slipped. Mr. Terrence should really renovate at some point."

He appears to have bought it.

"Yeah, I know right? I actually talked to him and he was all like 'you millennials can't even fix a damn pipe yourselves. How bout you renovate your own damn rooms and I still get paid' so I guess we're on our own. Anyways it's getting late so I should be goin to bed, lemme know if you need help"

His footsteps trot back to his own apartment. Thank God, I never thought he'd leave.

I return to the empty meat sack lying on my mildewed carpet. The pale blue eyes stare into my soul like a taxidermied animal. Your eyes even I'm death reach into my soul.

Do I feel... Guilt, remorse. Did I actually LOVE you?

I must bury these meaningless emotions. You called me a monster, so a monster I must remain, for I would never want to make a truth blessed by your holy lips into a lie.

The next few hours are a blur. And only God, saint Peter, and the devil will see to the horrific details. I pray that if there is a hell, that I am punished for the sins I have wrought on heaven's most beautiful angel. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph all weep for you. A tear for every piece that you have been divided into, and a thousand more tears for every mile I carried each piece. I am not worthy of weeping for you, nor do I have the energy for it.

I wash your beautiful scarlet heart that I pried from your messy cadaver in the sink. My sole momento of you, and the love that we shared tonight. I lay back and think of your face. Your pillowy lips that whispered wholesome truths, but bit down when I told sweet nothings. Your rosey cheeks contrasting against your porcelain skin, both now pale and splattered in blood and sorrow. Your eyes were beautiful sapphires that reflected light oh so wonderfully, that when they met my dark eyes, you could see into my soul. I wonder, what is it you saw in that abyss? Why did you come to me, the one fated to snuff your wholesome life from this world far too soon?

I lean forward and sob. I-i'm so damned sorry. I look at the tool I used to take you away from myself. It seems to call to me, begging me to exact vengeance? No. To repent. I take it. It greets me like an old friend. I point it's business end to my Adams apple.

Why do I hesitate? I deserve punishment. You were perfection, and I shattered and defiled you like a teenager smashing pumpkins on Halloween night.

My hands shake and sweat. I think of the words you said...

"You're a monster! How many have you killed? Why? How could you? Damn you to hell you psychopath! Are you gonna kill me next??"

Those words cut deeper than any blade I could sharpen. You feared me in the end. You believed I would hurt you. If you can hear me, I hope you know it was never my intention to hurt you. I love you.... I love you.... I love you.