Life is and is never difficult being with her, I dont care what is said, how others feel about her or else being together anyways. At first it kind of bothered me because it's like okay I know im not a lesbian i am in love with this stud, how is this going to work. But when she admitted that she doesn't care about me not being gay, it made it okay for me not to give 5 fucks about what other people thought of me. She has made it so easy for me to be me and not to pretend to be someone I am not because I'm not accepted. Yeah i have been in a relationship with a female before but it did not last long, I also had sex with one as well but nobody compared to Dee. Now, to clear things up this is not a CLINGY NOR A KISS ASS story. It's me being who i am and doing what i do best which is a writer, somebody that expresses themselves better through writing stories. Somebody that hides behind a screen typing away to get their feelings out without being judged or talked down to. I have many fears and one of them is being judged for me being who i really am, I have many talents but this one is the one i do best and i am glad it is one of them because without it, i wouldn't know how to express myself in a manner that i need to.
Back to the story......
There are so many good qualities about Dee that has gotten me to the impress mode, her positive always out ways her negative. It is never said that you can tell a person is for you if their positive out wieghs their negative, i feel it should be an equal balance. The fact that she is so different than others i have been with, she may be harsh sometimes but i know she means well, sometimes i feel that she is being mean but i guess it is because i get bullied by my mom to the point yes it causes me to wanna committ suicide, but with Dee being in my life shes that STOP point and have me think of things that can help me in order to keep my thoughts in line so i don't go back to the old me, the person that was crazy and got a thrill of sadness by cutting myself. No, I am not using her to get positive things to better myself, but she is someone that encourages me to be a better me that i know i can be, not only for myself but for our three kids.
There is never a time in a day where I wann just give up on her because she makes me feel some type of way, its a point of learning to take critism and moving on to better me, to make mine and the kids dreams come true, to make a better living for them. They deserve better than what they have now. I feel as being mom that is what i am required to do. Never settle for less but aim for something more than a star in the sky, aim for the universe if it is possible SKY IS THE LIMIT, but the clouds is limitless. In the life today she has been the better part of us that we could ever imagine. I don't feel bad for being with her, but i do feel bad at the shit she has to go through all because one person can't accept that my life has turned out 56% better in the last 10 years. I couldn't imagine my life without her.
She is a major blessing and i couldn't ask for nobody better. I may be a pain in her ass and a huge ass headache, all that she has to endure because of me is majority of my fault. As my process becomes better and keeps moving I know we no longer have go through this shit. As much as i want to express to her that many times i have said yes it is my fault, she says it isn't but i don't believe it because even though it has to do with my mom, the only escape i have is here at my granny's house where i know i am protected and she has my back on the decision i am making, Yes, she is worried about what happens if we break up and knowing the kids have such an amazing bond with her and they love her so much, how are they going to feel. In my heart, I know it won't happen but if it does, I would hope we remain good friends and the kids will be able to see her with no limits.
I've never had nobody in my life that has loved them as much as me and her do, I never imagined anyone can ever love them as much as i do I am wrong. To see them communicate on video chat it brings me to no show silent tears because they are the most amazing, loving, caring, sweet smart kids anybody could ever meet. For her to be a huge part of this family as their MOmma, has brung so much joy into our hearts it is so hard to even stay mad at her. When we get in small spats, it is hard for me not to cry because as sad as it is IM A SENSITIVE PERSON, so it is kind of hard for me to control any out burst i have and how to control it. But, I know it is something i have to control for the sake of the kids, they are already around a dangeous household, when we move in together i want it to be sane and less arguing. I don't mind the disagreements, as long as they don't lead us walking around being mad at each other and not speaking.
Me, I carry my heart on my sleeve and when im done being mad i just do the I LOVE YOU AND IM SORRY instead of talking out a problem and trying to see what i can do to fix it. I know make up sex is a thing but i don't want that to be the thing that fixes our issues all the time. Sex with her is amazing even though it happened once, but with her anxiety kicking up and her in fear of my mom popping up that day, I said to myself as well to my grams and she said the samething "what is there to be scared of? She can't do nothing to you because for one you're not trespassing nor are u being sneaky, my granny knew so it isn't like you came by unannounced. You respected her as well as me so there is nothing to fear. We both have your back ALWAYS." For my granny to be someone that believes in old-fashion, she wasn't thinking about how they did it back then, she was thinking about two people being in love and how one obstacle is keeping them from being a couple in all ways possible.
she doesnt give a fuck about us being a gay couple, she saw us how she sees herself and that is being HUMAN, for us to be young shouldn't nothing and nobody stop us from getting what we want, knowing that she loves me so much she isn't worried about what my mom has to say because this is her house, not my moms so what she says goes. Therefore this is a message to you babe.....
Don't ever allow my mom to stop you from what and who you really want, we already broke barriers as we discussed we are in this together. We are a TEAM and there is no I in team. It may seem as a stop point for you but it isn't for me and im going to keep going, idgaf how much trouble it gets me into, i am willing to do anything to be with you. I am not going to stop either, bruised, beat the fuck up or on my death bed you're worth it all, and I love you to the universe and back
This is a story about her, NO I AM NOT CLINGY. I just feel now is the time to write out exactly how I feel, the last story i did was a to be continued......Truth be told that story was about her, once she reads this one she will know who it was really about. So here it goes.
