you are the sun, and i am but a mere star.

part one: falling

y/n had undergone a lot in their life. their father left, their grades started slipping, their mom no longer got along with them, it was difficult; and different. next week was the first of september, meaning back to college.

y/n was excited for a new year. a new start. falling into rhythm was a struggle. falling over the shoulder of a road in the dark with tears in their eyes was the easiest. through a storm of tears and debris consisting of crackers, once neatly piled boxes full of books and heaps of clothes, endlessly towering into y/n, they felt calm. it barely lasted long enough to enjoy. was five minutes of calm, ethereal, numbing enjoyment fair? they didn't even know what had happened. it all just felt like a dream, even if it's cliche.

as it all began to set in, their head started pounding, "y/n, honey, it's not your time to go, i promise you'll see me someday but you haven't lived your life yet. don't join me yet honey," their father was talking? "no, dad. i- i know, i'm sorry, i'll push through," they stated, it seemed they were trying to convince themselves more than their father, 'why am i talking to my dad? i miss him, but i can't die yet. focus, oh god dammit, how do i focus right now? oh god, god. i- oh god. call an ambulance? is the number still 911? fuck,' they thought, picking up their phone with trembling hands.
falling was one of the the only few things y/n remembered. they forgot their recent discussion (hallucination) with their father, they forgot calling 911 and being starstruck that it was for police and ambulances. they even forgot the cold whoosh they felt like their lungs were being violently torn from their chest. pain. pain like hell. worse than anything they had experienced, like their arms had been stuck in ice and after, scorching acid. at least they didn't have to remember anymore.

<<an hour and a half later; it's dark outside.>>

"i need 10, no, 15 cc's of morphine now! she's going into shock. hurry.." one distressed voice fades in and out, cracking slightly.
eyesight blurry and ears ringing, all that y/n could hear was those words. soon after, they realised that six worried faces were looking down on them.
this was enough to get them thinking, 'his voice cracked? why is he sad? i- im fine,' they finally spoke out loud in an attempt to reassure, "i'm okay, i don't need anything,"
looking down and lips forming a half smile, "i don't know if i'd agree with that," the cute doctor kindly denied their protesting, "in fact, morphine belongs to the group of medicines called narcotic analgesics, pain medicines, it acts on the central nervous system to relieve pain. this may not have answered your statement, so, here are some statistics from early august this year-" y/n interrupted, "it's okay, i believe you. i'll take them," they closed their eyes.
his tone changed again. what was his problem? "i said now, michaels! you must be out of your mind! do you even remember what you've been taught?!"
"they didn't want them! what, are you going to punch me?" michaels retaliated.
the doctor stepped over to michaels and, with his advantage of height, stared into his eyes intimidatingly. bending over to reach his ear, he whispered something, "not today, but next time i get the opportunity i won't hesitate," he waved him off passive aggressively.
y/n slowly opened their eyes from hearing the loud voice- the same one that was once only distressed and caring, but kept them open to better hear the rest of the conversation. they looked at the fluorescent lights beaming down harshly on them and their white gown decorated with blue flower prints. 'a gown? why am i in this? i'm fine, is he okay? why is the other guy yelling at him?' they thought to them self.
y/n moaned of pain. the doctor rushed over and crouched to get face to face with y/n, "it's okay, honey. i'm going to put a mask on you now. you'll feel better after, i promise," the loud voice was now so.. gentle, pretty even, "okay, im going to count to ten for you. i want you to squeeze my hand with every number until you can't anymore," the gentle voice spoke again. y/n nodded weakly. the doctor held out a veiny hand, fingers still and nails trimmed. y/n put their hand in his. it was warm and surprisingly soft. his hands were beautiful in a way, delicate in contradiction to their size, the veins though, y/n had difficulty tearing their eyes from them. with his other hand, he took the mask from the wall and put it on their face as softly as he could. before flipping the switch to turn it on, he took a tighter grip on their hand and moved his thumb on theirs lightly, hoping to calm them as much as he could.

he nodded, his dusty brown fluff of hair bouncing slowly with his every swift movement. his curls covered his eyes a little, caressing his forehead. maintaining eye contact, he began to count, "one," squeeze. "two," squeeze. "three," squeeze. "four," squeeze. "five.." they didn't squeeze. it all went black after that for y/n, they didn't stay awake long after the anesthesia vigorously pumped into their lungs. their body was overcome with numbness, and even though y/n was eager to see the owner of the tender voice one more time, they could no longer keep their eyes open.