Bound by walls.

I sit here again, same place, same position as I do every night.
Sitting, bound within these four, paper thin, wooden walls. It's amazing how
walls so thin and fragile could keep secrets such as mine..
These walls have seen pain, have heard the screams and cries, they've witnessed
the lies, and have remained silent. To keep me safe? Or simply because they can't speak?
They aren't real, they are about as fake as the mask I place upon my tear stained face each morning.

These walls have been faithful to me, to him.. Why him? Why stay faithful to a monster?
But they are seeping, the secrets are seeping and leaking through the cracks in the walls..
This hell. This place people so openly call my "home" is revealing my darkest secrets. My pain,
my past, and present. And I'm more afraid of the truth coming undone than the pain I'm enduring.

I've had the opportunity to run, to leave this mess behind and move on. But subconsciously I'm
terrified of leaving. What if I miss the monster in my life? Afterall he loves me. Besides, I'm too selfless and considerate of strangers to leave my problems, and allow it to become someone elses. I'd much rather
endure the suffering, his fists, the tormenting names and sleep deprived nights, to keep a stranger safe.
To save someone I have never met... the next girl. If I leave, another innocent girl will be left to make the same mistakes I did. Trust him.. Love him.. Let my guard down and allow him to come into my broken life and mend the pieces, only to have him tear it back apart.. only a million times worse.

I'm a better person than that.
Or should I allow myself to become the selfish monster he is, and run. And watch victim after victim fall in his trap, knowing I could have prevented it.
I'm not a monster.
But I do have demons.

I close my eyes and begin to pray,
God, When will it be my turn to shine?
I know your book says that to endure the hurt of the devil will only last on earth.
But I have had enough, I can't take it anymore.
I can feel your hand God, keeping me as safe as my faith will allow.
I mean.. He hasn't killed me yet. I'm still alive, breathing, feeling, hurting.
But you've kept me safe.
Lord, my heart is aching, I can feel the love in my heart fading, the love for this world, and respect for
people fading. I am becoming afraid of humanity. Trust is drifting into nothingness.
Give to me the strength I need to pursue.
Amen.

Forgiveness - such a painful suggestion. But I live by it. Forgiveness, every time I forgive him, his fist, his
words, his lies and torment. I forgive, but I could never forget.
Some say memories fade. But the question still remains unanswered. When?
When will the memories of my childhood begin to vanish, and more importantly. The present, the painful memories just been made, and are yet to come. How long will they remain and be embedded in my mind?
When?

How much should I hurt, before it's my turn to be heard?
All these questions will forever remain unanswered.

I sit here, same place, same position as I do every night.
Sitting, bound within these four, paper thin, wooden walls..
And it's amazing how the only things that could save my life, are silenced because they aren't real.

If walls could talk they might speak for me.
I'd be heard.
Maybe set free.

But still they remain, silent.
Only the witness can speak for me now.
But she never will, because my monster..is her blood.
So I sit here, wishing for a better day.
Praying.