The Reborn (The Reborn trilogy book 1)

Chapter 7

I am the master of my emotions

Sunday, I spend the whole day in my room alone, letting my mind argue with itself.

So, okay, I like Lola, and okay, it may be the first time I've felt like this about anyone. Does it mean that I have to act on it?

I grew up in a time when it was expected of you to grow up and marry a guy. During school I did date a guy but I wouldn't say I was attracted to him. The whole relationship was more of a convenience than anything romantic and was ended long before I became a vampire.

During the time of my life that I should have been out finding myself I was kind of held prisoner. I was in my forties by the time I was free. Also, I was still a vampire. Not the most conclusive aspects to start a relationship. Plus, where exactly could I go to find a date, I was living on the run after all.

Looking only seventeen meant I couldn't get into bars and clubs. Yes, I did hang around them when I fed but I didn't go in.

By the time I was turning fifty I had started having a bit more of a day presence. Frequenting the libraries in the towns I passed through. It was in these libraries that I met the first guy I tried to have a relationship with. I think I was lonelier than anything else. An actual conversation with someone was something I hadn't had in a very long time. Then Oliver was there.

The whole relationship lasted a little over a month. He was a nice bloke and I enjoyed his company. Did I see a long term with him? Definitely not. The problem I faced was he wanted to take me out for food, only I didn't eat. I finally agreed to go over his and let him cook. He'd prepared a nice-looking meal, had flowers and candles. It would have been a wonderful date if I could eat the food.

I'm not proud of myself but I couldn't figure out another way out of the situation. When he suggested sitting down to eat, I pounced on him. When I say pounced, I don't mean as a vampire but as a woman. Poor Oliver didn't really stand a chance. Turns out I was his first time. He was fast asleep an hour into the date, a happy smile on his face. I feel so cringy about it now.

What's worst is that that wasn't the only time I slept with him. I did three more times. He was a gentle bloke that I enjoyed talking with but when he declared he loved me I knew it was time to leave. Thankfully this was before social media and when cell phones had small monochrome screens. Made it much easier when I left town.

There were a couple of guys after Oliver but it just seemed to be the same situation. I was after human contact more than anything, the sex definitely wasn't anything to shout about. So far, my experience with that aspect of a relationship is lack lustre.

I've never had that fluttery stomach, palms sweating, turning into a giggling mess feeling, until now.

Lola has stirred up feelings I never thought would be stirred. The fact she is a girl has registered on some level but that is not what holds me up. No, that fact goes solely to the age gap.

With the guys I dated I went in with the sole purpose of the relationship being short lived. With Lola it's different. She's come to mean a lot to me, her and Matty, it doesn't seem right starting a relationship that could have promise with a lie. Everything she knows about me is a lie as is, adding kissing is just too far.

Grrr. Why did I think of kissing?

The thought of kissing her has been in my dreams for the past week. Last night was no different and more intense.

Stop it. Fifty-two years. That's what separates the two of us. Fifty-two years. I'm old enough to be her grandmother.

For that reason alone, nothing can come from my feelings. Going forward I need to shut down my emotions. I've got enough experience with this; it should be easy.