life goes on

.00

It hurt.
Man it fucking hurt.
As I received communion in church and saw him sitting, he smiled, God why'd he have to smile at me? I don't know how to handle that, I can't handle that, how in the hell am I supposed to handle that?
Obviously not thinking fast enough the only thing I could muster up was a half smile, then I quickly walked away, repeatedly mentally hitting myself.
It's him, it's always him, why does he have to be himself, with his stupid smile which I fell in love with, his goofy-ass smile that drives me over the edge.
Fuck
How is it possible that the same person that hurt me is the same person who's arms I want to run into?
Shit
My heart was beating too fast, and with every beat a new wave of pain bursted through my body, through my veins into each vessel and cell. Pain. It seems to be the only thing I've felt for a while, I guess it beats the period of numbness in which I tried to ignore the dull emptiness in my chest.

I should probably explain how I ended up here, in church kneeling and trying my best to hide the tears from forcing their way out, and my heart from beating so damn hard, all because of him.