serendipity [h.s.]

nine

I drag my feet down the hall. Sure, I've had nightmares before but never ever have they felt so real... Never that up close. Never to where I woke up the feeling of soles of shoes implanted in my sides.

"Joe!" He shouts my name. The tone of his voice gives me energy but only enough to lift my head slightly. I force a smile.

"Hi." I quietly squeak. My throat is hoarse and itchy.

"Are you alright?"

"Fine, yourself?"

He stares at me with those beautiful eyes...

"Grand."

He walks me to my next class and as soon as he disappears I throw my head on my desk and sigh loudly. I don't like feeling this way. This guilt. This reminder of what I've done. This mistake I've made.

"It was an accident..." I whisper to myself. I feel sick. I shouldn't be here, I can't handle this.

I walk up to the desk of my teacher. I hate to leave so early in the day but I know that at this rate, I won't make it much longer without completely breaking down.

"Señora," I softly call.

"Sí, mi corazon?" (Yes, my heart?)

"No me siento bien. ¿Puede que me vaya a casa temprano?" (I don't feel good. Can I go home early?)

"Sí! Sí!" She nods as she begins to write me a pass. (Yes! Yes!)

Now, normally I would call truancy on myself but my reputation is perfectly in tact. And since I have the "early relase" pass as a senior, my classes are cut short and don't matter anyway. I stop by the attendance office and check myself out.

I beginning to walk out of the school when, of course, Harry appears from the doorway of the hallway restrooms.

"Harry," I say quietly when he notices me.

"Where are you going?"

"I-I'm not feeling well... Um, I'm leaving for the day."

"Let me go with you." He demands as he heads for the office.

"Harry- no. I'm fine."

"Joe..."

"I'll see you after school?" I half ask- half demand. This makes him smile and he nods. I nod back and exit the school. Five minuets pass as I walk down the my path towards home and I empty my stomach into the grass.

Over and over the sickness reminds me of the day. My heart races and sweat gathers on my hairline. My knees shake as does the rest of my body.

"Are you alright?" A woman asks as she bends down to help me.

I nod, quickly gathering myself and walking away. My head feels so fuzzy and my eyes shake. I can't see straight. I feel this way all the way home.

"Josephine?" Rita calls when I walk into the house. Both my parents are out, thank The Lord.

I don't have time to answer her because soon I'm bending over and throwing up into a waste bin near by. Rita rubs my back as I say sorry and head into the bathroom.

I strip my clothes and turn the water on. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror and I step into the shower as a cloud of steam surrounds me.

I sit, knees pressed to my chest and cry. The tears mix with the water hitting my skin. My throat hurts as I silently scream out in pain. The pain I feel inside and the guilt will never surpass physical pain.

Because that's the thing. Physical pain can be healed with medicine and cuts will fade. But emotional pain... what's the cure to that? There isn't one. You just wait until you no longer feel that. Until you're numb.

Sure drugs and alcohol could numb the pain but it only vanishes temporarily. It always returns.

I should have payed attention. I should have cared more. I could have stopped this. I should have stopped this. I would have stopped this. If only I could go back.

My body doesn't belong to me anymore. My mind and well being have left. Who's this person? This person on the floor of her bathtub, eyes burning and throat sore. I don't know. I don't know who that is anymore.

***

I don't remember stepping out of the shower and going to bed but soon I'm opening my eyes to the ceiling and rubbing my arms against my comforter. My head is pounding and I can hardly swallow. The doorbell chimes and I grown, throwing a pillow over my head.

I hate when my dad brings clients over to discuss cases. What's the point of having an office if you're hardly ever there?

I hear the rain beat against the window and I smile. Rain, I love it so. A soft thunder roars and I close my eyes, snuggling deeper into my blanket.

I hear soft knuckles tap on my door.

"Yes?" I hardly call, my throat strains and I swallow- which hurts as well.

"Josephine, someone is here to see you..." It's Rita.

"Someone's here to see me?..." I whisper to myself.

I look at my clock and it's 3:36 pm. Harry!

I jump out of bed and race to the door and open it. There he stands with a bright smile. And then there's Rita who's smirking at me and wiggling her brows behind Harry.

"Hey..." I call awkwardly. "Come in."

He says a thank you to Rita and I turn on the light to my room.

"Feeling better?"

"Yes!" I lie. "Did you walk? In the rain?"

I feel guilty to think of him walking to my house in this weather.

"I have an umbrella."

"Harry, you didn't need to come. It's raining, you could've gotten sick."

"But... we had plans?" He claims puzzled as to why I would object.

"Harry..."

"Stop, Joe. I'm already here."

I sigh and nod.

We end up watching a series of movies until he leaves around eight. His coming actually does make me feel better. The little jokes we made during the movies warm my heart as I remember laughing till my stomach hurt.

Rita brought us snacks which I had managed to swallow down. His departure leaves me somber and later on after dinner I flop into bed with his scent in my nose and his voice in my head.