just another ChanSung (stray kids)

dreams and reality ❤️

(Author note: I'm writing while listening to skz 2020, Stan skz, Stan artists)

Jisung POV
"이젠 안 해"
That was my last part of "spread my wings" to record.. I look around and all the boys are cringing, was I that bad?
"And done, jisungie!" Says Chan hyung, I wonder if he's cringing too, I'm worried, I don't want to disappoint him, or any of the others, I'm starting to feel out of breath, I need to get out of the studio right now..
"I'm going to the toilet" I say
"Please don't come back I'm still cringing Sung" Minho hyung says, I feel tears coming up, I hate being like this, why can't I be perfect like them, why can't I believe in myself a bit more? I run to the toilet and I lock myself in, I start crying.. I hate myself, how in the world was I able to make it into stray kids? Soon they'll be done with my stupid jokes and my insicurities, they MUST NOT know I'm like this, I would be out of the group in no time.. what I would really like in these moments is for someone to hold me tight and help me breathe and tell me everything would be okay, but all the boys are way too weirded out by me always being clingy, what can I do?
I calm down and stop crying in about half an hour, I'm ready to get back to the studio, but I find it empty: the boys have gone home without me. I find a text from Chan hyung: "we're going home, it's late.. I'll leave something for you to have dinner with, you'll just need to heat it up in the microwave,hope you're okay"
Ah, Chan hyung, always worrying about everybody, he's so swee.. No jisung, don't! It's your leader you can't have feelings for him, you would ruin everything!
I walk back to the dormitory and I find hyung on the sofa, is he waiting for me? No of course not, you idiot. We look into each other's eyes but I lower my gaze as soon as I can, I can't let him know my feelings..
"You okay, sungie? Have you eaten already?"
"Yes" I lie, I don't know why, but I guess a bit of fasting might do for my big cheeks to slim down a bit.. even if I know I won't ever be attractive enough to reach the others' outstanding looks. "I'll go to bed now, good night hyung" I give him what I hope to be a smile and I go to my room, where jeongin is already sleeping, welcome to another night of nightmares,it will be fun, I think.

I'm running and running, can't seem to know where I'm going, everything is pitch black around me. Suddenly a light, the scorching sun, but it's coming from a group of people, I see them know, they are the hyungs, they are talking in low voices, what are they talking about? I try to get closer to that light, I feel cold and I want the hyungs to warm me up, I get closer and I finally can feel a bit of heat on my skin, but I also hear what they're saying, they're talking about me as if I'm not there, talking about how I lower the group standards, With my rap, my dancing, my looks.. they're talking about speaking to jyp about getting rid of me before the next comeback, I cry, so so much, I feel my warm tears going down my cheeks. They're looking at me now, they seem both angry and disappointed. Then all of a sudden, Chan hyung comes towards me and hugs me, consoling me.. he dries my tears with gentle caresses on my cheeks, I calm down and I finally come back to a sleep without dreams. Thanks hyung, I lo....