Cigarettes & Strawberries - A Memoir

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I take another drag. Thinking about how my story was never treated as my own. I told my family I was raped as a child in middle school, and my mother immediately told my grandparents. Who told my aunt's. Who told their children. Multiple times.

No, this didn't happen once, it happened multiple times over multiple years. My body hasn't felt like my own since I was seven years old. I never had a choice when it came to my body. Whether it be eating or touching or... sex.

So, I smoke it all away. It's like adding fire to a hot air balloon. It pushes you up and up until you can't see the ground anymore. Until you're finally free. You feel... lightheaded and buzzy. It's nice. Sadly, it's also very addictive and very very bad for your health. The more I smoke the more I cough and my voice fades away.

My voice is all I have. Singing, writing, drawing. All me using my voice. Without these things I am nothing, I am a shell of myself. No longer connected to my heart. I spew vomit through my teeth, word vomit that sounds like a zombie attempting to make a sarcastic comment but failing heavily due to a massive stutter and soft voice.

Without my voice I am a husk, a person that has so many thoughts and yet no way of expressing them. It's a miserable existence filled with monotony and a streamline of screams ringing through my head.

Lately I've been thinking about, what if I died soon? What if my life ended and I didn't get to experience life, say all the things I needed or wanted to say. Even with a voice it never feels like there's enough time to get everything out.

It's a "time process" as the love of my life would say. But isn't everything? You spend a majority of your life waiting for something different. Something new. So what if nothing ever changes? What if suddenly I die and I never get to do all the things I wanted to do?

This is a look into my brain on a daily basis. Endless thoughts of what could be. I know I should live in the moment, enjoy everything while I can because eventually everything will end and I won't be able to change anything. Sure, it's a disappointing and even devastating outlook on life, but it's realistic. I don't know what happens in the after life, and I don't know if I ever want to find out.