We rushed to the hospital. Normally I would be thrilled to have beaten the Socs, but now all I could think of was Johnny. I had to hurry, he wanted me to get Ponyboy. So I did. I grabbed Ponyboy and ran as fast as I ever had in my whole life. He couldn't keep up very well but I couldn't stop. Speeding down the street, I got pulled over, barely even hearing what the cop was saying. As soon as we got there, doctors were in our way, trying to stop us. No way in hell. Johnny was my buddy and I was gonna see him whether they liked it or not. I went in, sat by Johnnys side. "Hey buddy," I said, licking my lips nervously, gasping for breath. "We beat the Socs. Chased em right out of our territory." "Useless..... fightings no good," Johnny replied, and he seemed to be getting worse. "They're still writing editorials about you in the paper, heroizin you and stuff. We're all real proud of you buddy." I couldn't seem to shut up. Then Johnny spoke again. "Ponyboy..........Stay gold, Ponyboy........Stay gold." And then Johnny died. My entire body turned to ice. No, i thought desperately. No dammit not Johnny. Please. "Never could keep that hair back," I choked out, "this is what you get for helping people you punk. Dammit Johnny don't die. Don't die on me now. Please." Inside of me everything was rapidly falling apart. All the walls I had spent my life building up were crumbling down, and it hurt worse than anything in my whole life. I've been abused, beaten, abandoned, jailed, but nothing- nothing- ever could have prepared me for this. Why? Why did God have to take the only thing I ever cared about from me? I bet it was my fault. I wasn't good enough, I couldn't save him. And I hated it. I was always in control. No one messed with me. No one. I had been stumbling down the hall this whole time, not even realizing it. I was tried so hard to be tough. Friendship and love weren't worth the price you paid for them. That's why I couldn't care about anyone. Even though loneliness hurt, it was nothing compared to the pain of losing someone. Everything is wrong. Everything. Johnny couldn't have died. I didn't want him to die, I always got what I wanted. I had tried to tell myself that caring for Johnny was okay. What could it hurt. But now I was paying the price. I can't. I can't do it. I should've saved him. Why hadn't I been able to save him? I couldn't save myself but I sure as heck should've been able to save Johnny but I couldn't. I didn't. I thought I was driving but I wasn't sure. I stopped the truck in front of an old convenience store. Pain filled my heart. I dig the heel of my hand into my temple, trying to force away the tears that were rapidly building up. No. no. no. Dallas Winston does not cry. But nothing was what it was. Not now. A tear slowly trailed down my cheek, but I barley noticed it. Everyone always thought I was so tough. But I'd spent my entire life building up the walls to keep the pain out. I'd had enough pain. With my walls up, I was safe. Even without friends, I was safe, because of you have nothing then there's nothing to hurt you. But everything was shattered now. How could I be so stupid? Why.... I should've stayed hard. But I didn't. And now I can't take it. Helping people, being good, all it gets you is pain. The only thing I knew how to do was survive. But I couldn't even do that. I was vaguely aware that I was now in the convenience store. The store clerk was asking me if I wanted to buy a magazine. I just looked up at him, not really caring, and ripped it in half. What did it matter anyway? Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing. I had failed. My heart was ripped straight out of my chest. What could they possibly do to me now that could hurt worse than that? I walked up to the clerk, shoving a gun in his face. Who cares who cares who cares. What do I have left to live for? Nobody needs me. Nobody. There's nothing anybody could ever do to me that could hurt me worse than I am right now. I can't. I can't live like this. I grabbed the money and ran. He shot at me. With all the adrenaline, I barely noticed the sharp pain from where the bullet had grazed my side. It was nothing compared to my aching heart anyway. No. Not aching. Broken. I ran as fast as I could, hearing sirens behind me. I ran until I got to a phone booth, and I called the Curtis's. Maybe they could hide me. Steve answered. "Darry?" I asked. "No, this is Steve. Dally?" "Ya," I said. "I wanna talk to Darry." Darry picked up. His voice sounded concerned. He asked me if I was all right. What a joke. How could I be? I said yes, even though nothing could've been farther from the truth. The gang was gonna meet me in the park. I just had to make it to the park. The fuzz was closing in now. They all knew me. They knew me well. I could see the gang running full speed, from the other side of the park. I skidded to a stop under a street lamp. I didn't want the police to get me. And I didn't want the gang to get in trouble either. And then there was my aching, ruined, broken heart. Very certain about what I was about to do, I yanked out my gun. Not that it was loaded, but the fuzz didn't know that. The crack of bullets piercing the eerie, sharp night was ringing in my ears as the first one hit me. Then another, and another. My heart pounded in my ears. Things were kind of blurry, and the pain was fading. Another bullet, then another. With each bullet the aching of my shattered heart slowly dulled into the background. I could hear the gang screaming. It was hard to make out. All I could hear was my own heart pounding. I was crawling toward the gang. I though of Ponyboy, and wanted to tell him something. "Pony....." I whispered, but never got it out. As I reached the gang, the white noise got louder. So did my heartbeat. I felt icy and numb at the same time. My heart no longer ached. Everything was fading. I smiled grimly. Everything faded.
