how to approach people at the walmart: an edluca idv love story

a day at walmart (unfinished)

         One day, Edgar Valden from hit game Identity V was looking for some ice cream sandwiches in the ice cream aisle. Completely distracted, Edgar didn't notice a man approaching his shopping cart along with some guy with a full-fledged film camera. It was only when the men were right next to his shopping cart did he notice them. The guy directly in front of the shopping cart had brown hair and horrible posture whereas the man with the film camera had dark brown hair along with what looked to be a burn scar on the left part of his face. 

          Edgar says, "Hey, what the fuck are you doin-" when all the sudden the brown haired dude with horrid posture starts talking.

         "HEY EVERYONE, MY NAME'S LUCA. I AM THE CO-FOUNDER OF  [REDACTED]  AND I AM HERE TO SHOW YOU HOW TO APPROACH PEOPLE AT YOUR LOCAL WALMART," Luca says as he leans against the end of the shopping cart with his head propped up on the back of his hand while the film guy takes a few steps to the left to get a better perspective while also putting on a ski mask for some reason. Strange. While Luca is still talking, Edgar is not paying attention in the slightest. He didn't even notice the jacket that Luca threw in his shopping cart. Instead, he is tuning everything out and trying to process what the fuck is going on and is at a loss for words. Who are these people? Why is this happening? Why are these broke bitches talking to me? He then starts focusing on the man in front of him, the man who said his name was Luca. Once they make eye contact, Edgar is able to look the man in his deep, beautiful eyes that are longingly looking back at him. With their hair swaying because of the ventilation coming from the open freezer door next to them, Edgar finally sees this man for who he truly is: an absolute fucking nuisance of which he needs to distance himself away from immediately. Before he says anything, he tunes back into what Luca is saying.

          "... OKAY, SO AFTER YOU START MAKING JOKES ABOUT THE ICE CREAM, YOU NEED TO FIND A WAY TO GET THE CONVERSATION AWAY FROM THE FROZEN FOODS. AND THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT THE GROCERY STORE THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION, YOU WANT TO TAKE YOUR TOPIC ELSEWHERE. NOW, AFTER JOKING AROUND, FLIRTING, AND BEING PLAYFUL, YOU NEED TO START ASKING INTERESTING AND FUN QUESTIONS TO GET THEIR ATTENTION." 

          "Excuse me, do you mind if I ask you what the hell is going on? I don't think I've been filled in on-"

          Once again cutting Edgar off, Luca turns his attention to Edgar and begins speaking directly to him, saying, "Y'KNOW, I KNOW THAT ICE CREAM IS VERY FUN AND VERY INTERESTING. BUT! I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT YOU DO FOR FUN!" Luca expectingly looks at Edgar as if he is desperate for a response, as if his life depended on it. Realistically, if someone was in Edgar's shoes, Luca would get security called on him and might even get pepperprayed. Hell, it's surprising he hasn't gotten tazed! 

Edgar looks back at him and sees the sweat dripping off of his face as if he were being held at gunpoint. Turns out, he was being held at gunpoint and Luca's life really did depend on his answer. The cameraman has a gun. The cameraman has a fucking pistol pointing right at them in the hand that isn't holding the camera. What the fuck? What the fuck. Edgar got cold feet. Both literally and figuratively because the fog stuff that comes out of freezers sometimes is literally going directly into his $200 Ugg's boots. In order to not risk getting shot, Edgar decides, fuck it and went along with the conversation. It's not that he cared for Luca's life, he's just doing it to possibly save his own and so he wouldn't have to go to a murder trial as a witness for Luca's murder. 

          Going to court for murder is a drag, he would know from experience. 

          "W-well, I really enjoy.... uhhm.. painting!" Edgar says as he points to the 50 gallons worth of paint buckets in his shopping cart.

          With a sigh of relief, Luca continues by saying, "PAINTING? THAT'S FANTASTIC!" Luca then turns back around to the camera, "SO NOW WE FOUND A TOPIC THAT BOTH HE LIKES AND THAT .. I LIKE?? NOW, WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS TOGETHER AND MAYBE EVEN TALK ABOUT DOING IT TOGETHER IN THE FUTURE! AND THAT GIVES US SOMETHING TO TRANSITION AWAY FROM THE ICE CREAM." 

          With those last few words from Luca, the cameraman turns the camera off and says, "well thats a wrap. lessons over you can go home now," and proceeds to hand Luca a bag of gold dubloons. Then he just. Walks off.

          "............................................................................................," says both Luca and Edgar at the same time.

          Before Edgar could say anything, Luca hands Edgar a singular golden dubloon with a smile on his face as a thanks for going along with it and for not having either of them murdered. Luca looks at Edgar with a soft smile and patiently waits for a response. 

          Edgar looks down at the singular golden dubloon with a disgusted expression. He doesn't need this, he's rich for christ's sake! He clutches the gold dubloon in his fist very dramatically and THROWS IT TO THE GROUND, leaving cracks in the floor tiles. After that, he grabs his shopping cart and dips without looking back, not even thinking about what kind of defeated expression was on Luca's face.

          After paying for his 50 gallons worth of paint, icluding the jacket, Edgar goes home and tries not to think about what happened. After he arrives in his lambo to his fabulous 10 billion dollar mansion, he grabs a hold of the jacket. He looks at it for a bit with a smile, thinking thoughts that only Max would know, and wonders where that man, Luca, is right now. He should sue Luca. It'd be funny.