On The Corner Of 32nd Ave

03. In Which She Learns Her Name Is Alfina

 I could already hear the syncopated code of the hypnotic club music. I could already see her in a skin tight dress, her face mesmerized by the moving of her own body which she knows is to die for. I can see it all and I can only keep adjusting myself. All of my perfecting of how I look was in order to turn into the girl that she'll dream about when the nights over. I'll give her my jean jacket, arm wrapped around her as we walked into the bright lights of the city, our legs exposed to the cold night air and our boots stomping away on those city streets.

Maybe it's wrong of me to expect such a perfect night. Maybe my hopes were too high and the only thing that would happen was me watching her on the dance floor, the arms of another beautiful woman wrapped around her. I'm a jagged, thornless rose that grew in the cracks of a rocky foundation my family laid for me. High expectations came with bumps, bandaids and bruises. Craving love came with disappointment and high letter grades. It was a loveless household that also seemed to be filled with love. It was deceiving. I thought I was taught how to love but really I came to find out that I didn't know a thing. I wonder if those who came from a household with love can tell the difference between true love and deception.

"You look like you know how to love."

It was my ex-boyfriends favorite line to say to me. He would stare at my naked body, bare in front of him, all my sins were on display for him. He would kiss the cross I wore around my neck, move it and whisper that sweet, meaningless nothing somewhere in my hallowed out collarbones. I would feel it go all the way to my heart, it would constrict and I would fight back tears as those calloused hands attempted to show my body love. A kind of love that was deception, that wasn't true. It made me wonder what God was thinking as he saw me there fighting tears while clawing at the back of what I considered the devil. I applied my lip liner, dark and thick. Applied my gloss and stared at my huge hair that I was letting run wild. I continued to stare at the mirror, wondering what kind of woman she'd see when I walked into the club. Would I catch her eye? Would I mean something a little more to her than just my combat boots? My lined lips? Everything I put on became meaningless but, if she was my kind of woman, she'd see right through me.

"Sab!? Are you ready yet? We were supposed to be there 10 minutes ago!" I heard TJ's very annoyed voice as I continued to stare at myself a little longer. I took a deep breath and put on my baggy denim jacket over my tiny black loose fitted button down. I pulled my 2000s brown plaid bell bottoms a little lower. My combat boots give me the extra inch I need. It's time to enter the whirlpool called NYC dating.

✯✯✯

By the time we got off the subway, dressed our finest, my friends forced me to run to the club. We were officially an hour late but, that didn't really mean anything to me. I was always late, it was just who I was. I thrived off never being on time usually caused by my anxiety getting the best of me. The bouncer in the front of the club didn't give us a hard time and let us in after checking our ID's. The pink light in the hallway that led to the club was empty except for the few strays that lined the hall. The music could barely be heard as it was muffled through the club's closed door. They leaned against the decorated black wall, either too drunk to stand or too sober to be in the club. The farther we got down the hall, the more eyes we caught. We were a good looking group walking into that club, dressed to fully impress. We looked straight out of a late 90s early 2000s indie magazine. A blonde haired woman with the darkest of eyes stared at me and I did her as well. Her eyes followed me as I walked past and I looked back, only to see her still looking. She smirked at me and I winked. I didn't know what that was but, if I was to get through the night, I'd have to do my best to fake confidence. The music was blaring when we opened that door. Carter was in front of me and he turned around instantly with a bright smile. The club was not only beautiful, but it was going to be too much fun for me and my hoodrat friends. There were beautiful people everywhere I looked, TJ had already somehow ventured off to hit on some guy and we had barely made it through the front door. I felt a pair of small hands touch my shoulders and I knew it was Sierra.