Lmaoooo No Wayyyy

The beginning of the End, or whatever

A year ago Today , we took a vow, through health & sickness, in front of our family and friends, we tied the knot. It breaks me to write about it, as if a vacuum is pulling the last bit of golden essence out of me as i write this. Tears streaming down my face because, there were so many moments, where i thought it was real, thought it would get better, thought you were genuine, thought we were doing this together, but it was just me, i was building an empire on my own, under the impression you were being my pillars of strength, but you were chipping out the edges of my ankles.

All those times ? I saw you smile? I made you laugh ? and you did the same? Everytime you came into the room just to make me laugh a bit after a long day at work or after an arguement, you'd storm out but come back with chocolates? What was that about? I was proud to call you my baby, thinking ups & downs were all part of the process, thinking your little toxic habits would slowly disappear if I'd just love you a bit more everytime you do something stupid. Every single time we'd take the time out to go visit the kids, every time i'd talk about adventures and plan trips with you, were you listening to any of that? Every time you fucked up, did you ever think of apologizing to change? or just apologizing to get out of the mess you created? This piece isn't even the full extent of how i feel only because I wouldnt want to remember you as that shit of a husband for the sake of the kids, but you were, you were that shit of a husband, cant say much about you as a dad.

I'm sorry if i overthinked it, i saw more than anyone else ever did, i saw a future for us, i saw our kids growing up in a loving house, where they always saw daddy giving mommy the affection she needed & they never had to hide things from us, i saw you graduating from culinary, i saw myself graduating with my Bachelors, i saw our families coming together to celebrate the kids birthdays, i saw you being happy, I saw us sitting outside on the balcony & just looking out at the stars while the kids were asleep, just thinking to myself, we made it. But we didnt. we didnt make it. Today is that much of a big day for me, a day i saw our futures, and here i am to renounce that shit because i put in too much fucking effort & too much fucking love was lost, i lost my fucking self trying to get you on a good path, i lost myself trying to find us when i should have taken the first fucking red flag you threw at me, instead i listened to my elders thinking they'd know better, "ups & downs" my ass, "all part of marriage" yeah, "it will get better"? "you've only begun your journey my dear". I should've stuck to instinct & being a mean bitch, i put my walls down for you, grew fat with the wrong fuck & gave you fucking everything. Spent 2 fucking pregnancies with you. You didnt deserve that. You didnt deserve me. You dont deserve me.

Happi fucking 1st year anniversary Ethan <3 hope it was all worth it. Lol fuck you.