Misadventures in Medicine, A Cautionary Tale

Basement Blues

On towards evening, two very large men, very literally barged into my room unannounced and loudly proclaimed that they were taking me forthwith to the EOC in the basement.

Me: "What? You're taking me where? What's the EOC? Why am I going there? Who....are... you?" And finally "I'm not going anywhere until I speak with the nurse."

I had visions of being abducted and dragged off to the dungeon. I mean I knew that I could be a pain in the ass but I didn't recall doing anything that would be considered deserving of banishment to the basement. I had in fact been very polite and as undemanding as possible to all the hospital staff, knowing how busy and hardworking they all were. I hadn't even complained about the food. Nobody needs a whining, demanding, pain-in-the-ass patient.

The nurse promptly arrived at my bedside and apologized for the lack of communication. "I didn't know she said. They just put the transfer through. You are being moved to another unit in the basement. You should be more comfortable there. You will get a real bed instead of a gurney." Mollified, I didn't protest further. A real bed sounded nice.

I was soon settled in my new and improved room and bed in the basement. By this time, the only thing keeping me in the hospital and delaying my discharge was the PT assessment that I had requested. The nurse told me that the physical therapists were very busy and hopefully they would be able to get to me that evening, otherwise I would not go home until tomorrow. "Oh, no! Not until tomorrow?" I despaired. Why did I request PT again? Oh yeah, the basics.

I decided to put my brace back on as I was tired of lying in bed and peeing in bed pans. My goal was to make it to the bathroom across the hall and pee in an actual toilet. I put the brace back on and carefully rolled out of bed. I gingerly stood up, holding onto the bed rail in case I lost my balance. I grabbed the nearby IV pole, to which I was not connected, used it as a makeshift walker, and promenaded veerrryyy slowly a couple of times around the room. I felt fairly secure on my feet so I headed across the hall to the bathroom and successfully navigated the toilet. Proud of myself, I decided to take a stroll around the nurses' desk. I expected someone to object to my being out of bed unattended (fall-risk remember?), but no one did. I soon became aware that the brace was making my back hurt a lot more. What's wrong with this brace? It's supposed to reduce pain, not increase it. I returned to my room, got back in bed, took the brace off and inspected it more closely. I soon discovered the problem with the brace. The back panel was flat. It was not contoured to follow the natural curves of the spine. Also, it did not have a waist; it was a brace designed for men, not women.

Warning: Skip this paragraph if you aren't interested in the anatomy of the spine. The spine has curves (as do women). There is an inward curve at the back of the neck, an outward curve along the back between the shoulder blades, an inward curve in the low back (AKA, the small of the back), and an outward curve in the center of the back of the pelvis that culminates in the tail bone. These curves serve a purpose. They allow the spine to absorb shock, sort of like a spring. Shock absorption in a spine without curves would be sorely inadequate and rely solely on the jelly donut-like discs between the vertebrae. Over time, the discs would wear out even faster than they do under normal circumstances, resulting in spinal stiffness. Older folk know exactly what I am talking about.

My back has curves. The brace did not. The brace was pressing my back into an unnatural painful position. It forced me to stand and walk with my butt tucked under, with knees and hips slightly bent, and my upper back slightly stooped. It made me walk and stand, like a much older woman. If I tried, I could push back against the brace and stand in my normal erect posture but fighting the brace also proved painful and defeated one major purpose, which was to support my spine. The other purposes were to limit movement (no bending, no twisting allowed) and reduce pain. I was extremely unhappy about the prospect of having to wear this miserable contraption constantly, whenever I was out of bed, for the next several weeks/months. Of everything that had happened to me thus far, somehow this seemed like the worst.