The glass is cold on my cheek as I lean against it, looking out at the snow covered ground, patches of dead brown grass peeking through. I close the curtains and turn on the shower, step in and sink down to the tile floor while scalding hot water rushes over my face. It burns my skin, but I don’t move.
I start to cry, tears pooling in my eyes, blurring my vision, until they run down my face and mix with the water from the shower. He is gone, not here, but I hear him in every squeak of the floorboards, every sigh the house makes; I feel him lurking in the room next door, awaiting his prey. My mind races with thoughts of him and suddenly, I am laying down on a blanket outside, looking up at the stars. They’re so beautiful out here, all uncompromised by the city lights. I sit up and reach out to catch a firefly. It’s glow is so magnificent and warm. He puts his arm around me, pulls me into him. He smells of cinnamon and oak. I nuzzle my face into his chest. This moment is so perfect; I want to take a picture to remember it. He pulls away and looks down at my face.
“I love you, Dawn. Your green eyes are so beautiful when they’re staring out at forever. I want to hold you like this for as long as you want me, as long as you need me.” I put my hand in his, wrap our fingers together. We lean back and lay like this for what feels like hours.
Suddenly he sits up and faces me, a daring look in his eyes. He stands up and says, “Follow me.” So I do. I stand and he leads me through the trees to this little ravine. “Let’s be crazy,” he whispers into my ear. Then he kisses me and starts to undo my shirt.
“Stop. What are you doing?” I back away and stare at him, waiting for an answer.
“Come on, Dawn. We’ve been dating for six months. We don’t have to do anything more if you don’t want to.” He’s so reassuring and I want to make him happy so much, so I go along with it.
His hand is reaching up my shirt, pinching me and it hurts. His other hand undoes my pants. I can’t tell him no. He’ll get mad. I’m crying and I feel so dirty. That doesn’t stop him.
When he’s finished he stands and helps me get dressed. He wipes my tears and tells me, “I love you.” He kisses my cheek, as if that will make me feel better.
“Dawn, honey, can you do the dishes tonight? It’s gonna be a long night at the office.” My mom peeks her head in the door, but steam fills the room.
“Sure. Have a good day at work, Mom. Love you,” I tell her. She closes the door and I hear her heels click clack down the hall. Our conversations lack any real sustenance. When I was a little girl she never came to any choir performances or parent-teacher conferences. She was too busy with clients that paid her $250 an hour to solve all their legal troubles. I couldn’t get her to notice me, even if I stood on a table, waving my hands in the air, screaming and jumping around like a mad woman.
My daddy was the only one around to take care of me, but he was busy with Veronica, or Stacy, or Lillian, one of his many girlfriends over the years. Anne, our nanny became my mother and father until I was 13 and it was decided I could fend for myself.
Sometimes I wonder if what comes next wouldn’t have happened if only I had been given more attention, if only I wasn’t so afraid of being abandoned. When I met Charlie he was everything I’d been deprived of for years. He listened and watched me, supported and cared for me. And then he used and abused me, left me on the side of the road for the buzzards to eat.
I turn off the water and dry off. In my room I stand before the mirror, a defendant awaiting trial, awaiting judgment. I drop the towel and look at the girl staring back at me. She has light brown hair and green eyes, long eyelashes and prominent cheek bones. There is blue polish on her fingernails. Her stomach is bloated, her ribs poke out. Her hips are long slashes that slice the air when she turns to the side. Goosebumps rise on her skin and her teeth begin to chatter. She turns back and you can see her knobby knees clang together. There is a gap between her thighs, yet all she can see is her marshmallow arms and big log legs.
I turn away and walk over to my dresser where I put on my underwear and get dressed for the day in a sweater, scarf, and jeans. Mom’s car pulls out of the driveway and into the street. I watch through the window as she speeds away, late for some meeting no doubt. Bzzt, bzzt. Bzzt, bzzt. I walk over to my nightstand and pick up my phone. It’s a text from Meg. She’s running late. “I’ll drive myself today.” I respond.
Downstairs I grab a banana before slipping on my sneakers and getting into my car in the garage. Warm air rushes out at me from the vents. The CD I burned plays in the background. I pull out of the driveway and maneuver out of our little cul de sac. Trees covered in powder white snow rush past. As I enter the city the trees fade and people on bikes and on foot blur past. My foot is heavy and I push even harder on the pedal, the people blurring into a wall of faces that give me haunting looks. I see a yellow stoplight in the distance but I can’t let up, can’t move my foot to push the brake. It turns red and cars slowly crawl through the intersection. They’re getting closer and closer until finally I jerk my foot and slam on the brakes. The tires screech, burning rubber as I glide to a stop. Adrenaline courses through my veins. I take in a few ragged breaths. That was close.
At school I shuffle my feet from class to class, not really listening to anything they say. Just before lunch I see him. He smiles at me, even blows me a kiss. Then he walks over towards me and grabs my arm.
“You haven’t returned any of my calls. What’s the deal?” He whispers into my ear, tightening his grip on my arm.
“I’m sorry. It’s been a really busy week at my house.” I mumble.
“And you can’t find any time for me? How selfish...” He gives me a look of disgust and walks away. I can’t breathe, can’t move. A wave of tears hits me and I can’t stop it for much longer. I speed walk out the doors and into the parking lot, rushing to get into my car so that no one will see the flood of tears threatening to overtake me. Evil voices with sharp tongues whisper words that fill my head, “Selfish. A waste. Might as well be dead.” Tears flow freely down my cheeks.
I start the car and drive back home, mentally absent, totally spaced out. When I get there I slowly make my way up the stairs. I feel so out of it, as if I’m watching from above as this girl lazily moves from one room to the other, all the way to the bathroom.
I watch through spikey lashes as slowly, one by one they leave the bottle. I listen to her breathing, shaky and quiet. I can feel the tears drying on her face; feel the fresh ones, warm to her cold skin, as they run down her cheeks, dripping off her chin. No one is listening but me. No one sees the pain she’s hiding behind closed doors. She is lost, a little girl wandering the supermarket in search of her mother.
I feel their weight in my hand. I count them, laying them out, one by one, twenty in total. A shiver runs up my spine as I realize, it’s now or never. I’ve run out of time. They taste bittersweet as I chase them down with a big gulp of water. Now I wait, standing before the big mirror, all of my demons staring back at me. And his sweaty, greedy hands are all over me. I just want to be done, and it’s not working fast enough. I sink down to the floor, unable to face myself anymore. My eyelids are heavy, so I lay down, drifting into a light sleep.
In my dream I am in a dark, damp tunnel. Voices echo off the walls and I can’t stop shaking. There’s a light at the end that’s flickering and buzzing. I’m running but I can’t reach it fast enough. The light is going out and I’m going to be stuck down there forever, all alone. I just want out.
My eyes snap open. He’s standing there, right in front of me. I reach out to touch him, but he isn’t real. My hand goes right through him. Yet he’s still there, taunting me with this evil look in his eyes. I stumble into the bedroom, everything beginning to spin around me. I fall onto the bed, out of breath, my lungs so tired they can’t function. I’m so sleepy. I close my eyes and everything is black. I’m done fighting, done pretending that nothing happened. Now finally I can sleep...
