Stay

It's My Story Too...

I stared down at the blue water lapping against the dock. I swore I would never come back here. And up until now I had been successful. My parents and sister had definitely been here in the last 17 years. The grass just off the shore was well kept. The picnic table had been recently painted. And the tarps over our boat had fresh handprints from being thrown back on over it recently. The old boat house was in good repair, the window I shattered last time I was here had been replaced. No trace of any of the damage I had caused.

"Are you okay, Dad?" His voice shook me from my revery. I was at the very end of the dock just kind of staring. I had been staring so intently at the water, spots pulsed in my vision, a reflection of the light dancing on the water. I blinked quickly to clear my vision.

"I don't really know, to be honest ," I raked a hand through my hair. I kicked the wood of the dock with the toe of my Converse. Looking at my son caused me an odd mixture of pain, pride, melancholy, and nostalgia. He had her bright green eyes, and the crease between his eyebrows when they drew together. He even had the same dimple on his left cheek. He had my black hair with the hint of the curls that had driven his mother crazy. I looked away, rubbing my face between my hands.

"It's okay to talk about her," he hesitated and looked at me as if sizing up the probability of me breaking down, "I'm almost eighteen, Dad. I'm almost an adult and the only stories I've ever heard about her are from Aunt Emma and my grandparents. Those are great but you need to talk. I'm almost grown up and you've spent my entire childhood tiptoeing around the subject. I know it hurts. I can only imagine how much so, but it's hurting me seeing you like this. I know that those memories are a huge part of who you are. But they're my stories too. I want to know your story, what she was like, how you guys fell in love. Hell the only reason I know you were in love with her is the way you avoid her. The pain written on your face. The lost look in your eyes when you hear her name. God I know it hurts, but please let me in."

I stared at my son dumbfounded. Jason had never been this direct with me about the subject at hand. I let out a long sigh before slowly lowering myself onto the warm wood of the deck. I unlaced my Converse one at a time and slowly peeled off my socks. I shoved the freshly peeled socks into my shoes. Easing my feet into the warm water, I looked back at the man that had replaced the boy my son had been. He looked away in resignation. My next words would shock him.

"You're right," it was my turn to pause and study him. His lips had parted slightly in shock, "You deserve to hear the stories. I did love your mom. I still love her, and I always will. I guess for me it's always felt like taboo to share my memories. Like if I share all of my stories that they'll be out there and I'll lose them. It's a long story but I assume you'll want it all. You might want to sit down for this."

He looked at me cautiously, but quickly sat down next to me as if afraid I would change my mind. I watched him as he followed my example peeling off his socks and shoes before easing his feet into the water as well. Jason laid back on the deck folding his arms behind his head. I looked towards the gravel path that half a mile down I knew led to my childhood home. I could almost see her walking towards us down the road. As if she were there now and everything would be okay. As if she hadn't in fact succumbed to a fatal disease but only got stuck in traffic and she was about to laugh and apologize for being late.

"The first thing you need to know about your mother is that she loved you. Before you were ever born your safety was at the center of her priorities. She loved you so much. She never did anything halfway. If she was going to love something, she loved it with all her heart. Everyone who knew her, and where she came from told me I saved her. I just can't help thinking they had it all wrong. I didn't save her she saved me. "
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A/N
It's been awhile since I posted anything. But I really think I'll stick to this one. I'll try to update a couple times a week, but I will at least definitely update once a week. Thanks for reading. This chapter is dedicated to my wonderful friend Emily. I was about to give up writing. I would've soon if it weren't for her. Feel free to let me know what you think. Thanks!!!