Funky Friday at Dracula's

At midday on Friday the 13th, 1999, Sonic and Steve Jobs approach the foreboding castle of John Dracula. An intense wave of anxiety passes over Sonic and Steve, yet they know that they must enter. Steve slowly approaches the massive doorway but is too frightened to knock. He begs Sonic to knock in his stead. Sonic reluctantly knocks. Knock... Knock... Knock... but nobody responds. Sonic exclaims, "Heh, nobody's home!"

He then hears an intimidating voice behind him, which booms, "Hello Sonic the Hedgehog, the titular character of the game Sonic the Hedgehog, released for the Sega Genysis on June 23rd, 1991." Sonic freezes. The voice asks, "Does Sega really do what Nintendo'nt?" Sonic slowly turns to see John Dracula towering over him. John (but most people call him Dracula) was a massive man, at a huge 6ft tall. Something was off about him, however. Dracula looked like he was suffering from Rheumatoid Arthritis. All of his joints were inflamed and red.

Steve Jobs looked at him and exclaimed, "OH MY GOD, IT'S JOHN DRACULA FROM THE HIT ANIMATED FILM, HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA. THE FILM WHICH WAS RELEASED BY SONY ANIMATION IN 2012!"

Dracula responded, "That is indeed me." Sonic is shocked, believing that Dracula was inside the castle.

Sonic asks, "So are those the symptoms of Rheumatoid Arthritis?"

Dracula responds, "Indeed they are, Blue Hedgehog." He then explains, "My joints are so inflamed and painful, I could hardly sneak up behind the two of you, silently." Looking at the shocked man and hedgehog, he says, "Follow me inside the castle, and we can begin the process." They follow Dracula through the gaping maw of his castle. Surrounding them, and filling the hallway, are sinister statues and gargoyles, of the most ferocious demons and ghouls. There is something out of place, however. At the end of the hallway, between two dark doors, is a vending machine. Dracula leads them to the metal box, and asks, "Would either of you like an Arizona Ice Tea?" Steve and Sonic look at each other.

Sonic reluctantly says, "Sure Drac, can I call you Drac? I would love a peach Arizona Ice Tea."

Dracula responds, "I am sorry blue hedgehog, we ran out of peach the other day. Could I interest you in an original flavoured Arizona Ice Tea?"

Sonic replies, "That works for me Drac, I love every flavour of Arizona Iced Tea."

The two enjoy their Arizona Iced Teas, while Steve looks on in amusement. Dracula then bids them follow him through the door on the left. What they see in this room amazes them. The room contains a spire, made of unidentifiable black stone. Lining the spire there are statues of every US president, from George Washington to George H.W. Bush. There was an unknown black man topping the spire, however, although he was presumably a president that had yet to come. There is also a strange obsidian box with a blinking eye adorning it. The box is flanked by a worktable, and a mannequin adorned in shining teal armour of unknown origin. Steve and Sonic are overcome with an unstoppable wave of existential dread. They know, however, that they have a job to do. Steve doesn't like what they have to do. Dracula lays down on the worktable. Steve and Sonic slowly walk towards him, standing over the table. Steve removes a strange object from his fanny pack and hands it to the blue hedgehog.

Dracula asks, "Are you sure you will be able to do this, little hedgehog?"

Sonic responds with tears in his eyes, "I am sure. I am way past cool."

Dracula exclaims, "Thank you, Sonic the Hedgehog. This is a great service you are doing me."

The statues on the spire begin to chant in Latin, as Sonic raises the object. The object he is holding is a stone dagger, of the same material as the spire. Sonic plunges the dagger into his chest, letting out a cry of pain. He rips the dagger out and removes his still-beating heart. Steve is looking intently at the hedgehog. Dracula has closed his eyes. Sonic, stumbling and with a shaky hand, draws a strange character with his blood on Dracula's chest. A shining light erupts from Sonic's eyes and mouth, as he begins the ghastly transformation. His body morphs horribly into a massive grey rabbit. The hulking rabbit looks down at Dracula and recites the Lord's Prayer. Dracula begins to writhe, and the inflammation in his joints begins to recede. The ritual complete, the hulking rabbit, which used to be Sonic, collapses on the ground. His vision fades as Steve Jobs thanks him and takes a picture with his cool prototype iPhone.

Dracula, panting, asks Steve, "Is it over?"

Steve replies, "Yes Dracula, the ritual is complete. You no longer have Rheumatoid Arthritis."

Dracula jumps in the air, striking a pose, and Steve solemnly exits the castle. He will miss Sonic, but he cannot grieve for long. He has work to do.

So much work to do.