Tainted

Never Forgive and Forget

Note: I'm sorry for the looooooong wait but hope you won't be disappointed by the end. Let me know what you think in comments :)

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Wei Wuxian is sitting by a huge boulder on the cliffside, overlooking a small lotus pond, with a jug of wine on one side and his sword on the other. He has been staring at the endless sky, waiting eagerly for the sun to rise. He has been sitting there far too long and is now getting restless. He needs to get started with his daily tasks and chores to keep himself sane. And for that, he needs the disciples to show up so they can start with their usual morning archery practice.

He has gotten used to this routine, if it can be called that. He barely sleeps, because of the nightmares. Those still torment him every night. So it has basically just been an endless loop of days where he drowns himself in sword and archery practice, teaching the disciples and every and any other Sect related task that he can take up. This is his way to keep his mind occupied and probably even assure his siblings that he's dealing with his trauma better than expected. The last thing he wants is to make them worry. So he puts his game face on during the day and drinks himself to sleep every night.

But sleep evades him most nights and he ends up here at the cliff, alone, and in the dark, torturing himself with the same question over and over. Why?

A question to which he has still not found an answer.

As he picks up the jug to take another gulp of his wine, he hears the young Jiang disciples slowly coming in for their early morning practice session.

He sits still, unbothered, even as the disciples' chatter gets closer and louder. They cannot see him behind the boulder but he can hear them very well. He hears them forming into groups and planning the practice session for the day. He ponders how long it had been since he was part of that group...since he was one of them, laughing and playing carelessly, planning the future, eager to learn and grow. That seems like a lifetime ago now. That seems like a different Wei Wuxian.

He isn't the same now, his life isn't the same. Someone tainted him and he has to live with the scar for the rest of his life.

In the year since they returned from Gusu, his physical scars have healed but the emotional ones are what scare him the most. What if he is never able to get past this?

Every time he wakes up from a nightmare, he feels like he has changed a little more. He doesn't laugh like he used to, doesn't love like he used to, doesn't trust people like he used to, doesn't touch anyone, doesn't tease, doesn't flirt, and most importantly doesn't break any rules. He barely recognizes himself now...this version of him cocooned in his own fear is not what he wanted to become, not what he had dreamed of.

He desperately wants his old, carefree life back but that seems like a distant memory now.

He hates that he has to lie to his family to not worry them. However, he's also aware that he's probably not fooling anyone - especially not his Shijie nor Jiang Cheng.

Just as he extends his arm to reach for his wine again, it gets snatched from him.

"Isn't it too early to drink?" Jiang Cheng sneers and pours the wine onto the ground.

"Aiya! Jiang Cheng! That was my favorite wine!" Wei Wuxian complains, turning around to face his brother.

One look at him and Jiang Cheng could tell that this wasn't his first drink of the day, rather he had been up for probably most of the night, drinking away his nightmares. He knows that his brother is still suffering underneath that fake smile. He wants to help his brother but Wei Wuxian has built a wall around him and refuses to let anyone in. His brother is not the kind to burden others with his problems. So, Jiang Cheng gives him the space he needs as long as he needs it. He will wait until his brother is ready.