my best friends brother - fred weasley

lxxi. survivors guilt

I didn't sleep for a few days after the battle. I had tried and tried s much as I could, but the only thing I could see when I closed my eyes was Lavender Brown's dead body. Then it was Remus' dead body, the George's, then Fred's. I became a living corpse. Fred wasn't much better. Weasley's Wizard Wheezes had to shut down temporarily after he refused to go inside, he laughed and cracked jokes all the way to the store, but as soon as the door opened, he was dead silent. And he stayed silent. When we moved back into the Burrow, he spoke to no one and slept all day everyday, while I walked around aimlessly.

The only time I was able to sleep was while I held Teddy, and even then it was only a few minutes at a time. Everyone in the house came together to look after him, while we tried to cope with our losses and trauma from the war. Fred and I were still young, after all, we weren't ready to take care of a baby. That was the good part about living in a crowded house, if someone needed to take a break, there was always someone else to take over for them. Fleur had taken him off of me one night, not knowing it woke me up, and I watched her and Bill, rom the couch I was curled up on, cradling him as though he was their own.

I hadn't been back to visit my mother, it had been a month since I had left her house. I couldn't find it in me to tell her about Remus, and to let her see me in this state, sleep deprived and very obviously not taking care of myself. I wouldn't be able to explain how I had become a parent at the age of seventeen, and how my boyfriend hadn't spoken to me in three weeks, despite living in the same house. She knew I was still alive, Ron made sure of it. He had been coping a lot better than Fred and I had, he had visited her a few times to update her on how I was. He hadn't mentioned Remus or anything, only that I was alive.

"Have you tried today?" Molly joined me in the kitchen late one night, scaring me out of my daydream. She poured the kettle into her mug, filling mine up as well.

"No, I haven't today." I said once my heart had stopped pounding in my ears.

"Have you slept?" She asked, eyeing the crossword of the Muggle newspaper Arthur brought home from work to inspect.

"Not since... Tuesday?" I swished the hot water around in my mug, I was so tired that I hadn't remembered to put a teabag in. "What day is it."

"It is Friday, as of four hours ago." She glanced at the calendar on the wall. "Teddy is with Bill and Fleur, again." She added, watching me pick at my nails anxiously.

"Good, good. They'll be good parents one day." I stared at the water in my cup. "They all will. Ron and Hermione, Harry and Ginny."

"You and Fred will be." She said soothingly. "This is just a hurdle you have to get over."

"I just hope we can." I said, looking up at her sadly. She pushed a folded up piece of parchment towards me, keeping her eyes on mind,

"He believes in you." I look down at the parchment and recognise what it is, "I found it when I was doing the laundry." I don't even think about getting angry at Molly, for going through my pockets and reading my letters. I'm just thankful she was able to find the letter before it was washed.

"I might go and try now." I say, taking the parchment off the table and pouring my hot water down the sink. "Thankyou, Molly." I give her hand a squeeze as I walk away, heading towards the stairs. When I open the door to Fred's room, there's nothing. There's no familiar firewood, cinnamon or sweet sugar scent in his room, there's no warm glow of a lamp, no warmth to signal that there's anyone in the room. I lit my wand up, searching the room for him, finding him passed out on his bed, in the same clothes as he was in when we arrived at the Burrow a few weeks ago. I found my way to a lamp and turned it on, seeing the mess that the room was in. I slowly made my way around the room, putting his clothes away into a basket, putting the posters that were torn down, back up. I stacked the dirty dishes and took them to the kitchen, retuning with a cold glass of water. I took of his jacket and his shirt, putting on a clean t-shirt for him. He woke up when I pulled it over his head, he still didn't say anything. He let me take his shoes off and change his pants from jeans to pyjama pants. I made his bed around him and went to the bathroom.