Random rants/thoughts

Have you ever felt like your life is falling apart?

~Have you ever felt like your life is falling apart?
Lately I have notice that no matter how much I try, I'll always mess up somehow. When I care, I end up screwing everything up.. Its really trying, especially when you know exactly how it's going to blow up and there's nothing you can do about it. You just just so helpless, and you hurt even more because you saw it coming but no one would listen to you. Do you know what I mean?
~Have you ever felt off, and you know something wrong with you, you just have no idea what's wrong? It's really the worst thing ever! Because everyone who really knows you, knows something's up and they end up asking you, but you honestly can't say what it is because you, yourself don't even know. Lately it's been a rough start to the year, seems like everything is falling apart, and there's nothing I can do about it.. I'm the problem fixer, but with this I can't do nothing. I'm trying to look out for my brother and trying to protect him, but he keeps ignoring me, and telling me I don't know what I'm talking about and just don't being the brother I once had. I miss my old relationship with him, but it's been slowly disintegrating since two years ago, and what hurts the most is I keep trying. I'm the real fool, I keep trying and believing his stupid lies even though I should know better by now. I hate the fact I can see both of his sides.. I feel like I'm losing him to the freaking world! I feel like whoever I talk to about it nobody understands how much it hurts, everyone says it's a phase, that he's a teenage boy it happens all the time, but it doesn't change how much it hurts to see him screwing up and not caring about anything.
~Have you ever felt so dumb because you honestly believed something someone told you?
Well I can honestly I've been there way to many times.. A guy once told me "Stay a good girl, all the guys love good girls." I believed him, I really did. But I have slowly realised that's a huge lie. They really don't, they like the idea of a good gal, but not the real thing. They want a girl who will be willing to do any and everything, from flirting to other things, everything good girls don't really do. I'm sixteen years old and I can say truthfully I have never had my first kiss, heck I haven't even held a guys hand. I have been ask to kiss a guy before, but I couldn't do it, why you might ask, because I'm to much of a chicken and I was terrified. Like what if I don't do it right, what if I make a complete fool out myself.. So instead I told him he could kiss my cheek. I hate the fact that I too much of a good gal, I honestly hate it. now you're probably thinking why don't you change then? Well the answer that question is, I don't know how, it's hard when you don't even have a guy that likes you. I feel like I have to change myself in order to be a possibility, you know? Everyone says "He will notice you for you being you." or they say "Don't be anyone but yourself, because you are a wonderful person, and someone is waiting for you." I have been told that over and over again and to be honest it's exhausting, and it just hurts for some crazy reason....

You know just typing the stuff even though I know nobody will read it makes me feel a tiny bit better. it's out there and if someone does read it maybe they can relate or something. That's all I have for today,
Love Bea