A Hot Mess.

Chapter 3: My family.

I get it, my family is not perfect. I get along well with my mother, she understands me. She knows about my anxiety, my depression, and knows how I feel most of the time. She can read my body language and my facial expressions, she also knows that I can't talk about my feelings without crying.

The problem is my dad. I get along with him sometimes, it was better before my grandparents moved in with us and took my room. I am sitting on the dining room, MY current room at the moment. I know the like of an adult is not easy, yet, I don't think my father has the right to treat me like this.

Sometimes I wished he could treat me like he treats my grandparents. He treats them in such a loving way, he is patient with them and treats them like he wants to be treated.

On the other hand, he is the opposite with me...

It's to the point where I feel jealous at the way he hugs them and kisses them. I know, those are his parents, but I am his only daughter. Some times I feel like he hates me.

He expects me to be like him, emotionless.

If I cry Infront of him, he says I'm spoiled.

He is the only one allowed to get mad, so I can't do that either.

I only have to be happy, or else he gets mad at me. 

When I don't know how to do something, he screams at me.

When I try explaining something to him, he get mad and says "what you think I'm fucking dumb?"

At this point , I don't know what to do anymore. Yes, my dad is a dick, but I love him, he's my hero. I just don't understand why he treats e the way he does. 

Why is he so hard on me?

Does he even love me?

If he does, why does he treat me like this?

Why does he make me feel like shit?

I can tell you right now, It's not making me a better person. All he is doing is giving me several reasons to hate myself more than I already do.

- 

-"I can't do this anymore, I don't wanna live here anymore mom, why are they like this?"-

-"Honey please, stop shaking and crying, It'll be okay I swear.."-

- What the fuck is going on? You're crying again? This is why you grew up being such a brat!"-

I could feel my hands shake as I kept crying.

-B-but.. I didn't do anything..- 

My mom hugged me, and my dad left the room mad.

I don't remember what happened exactly, but I do know that it had to do with my dad. This happened when my family was over for the first time, and my dad acted up Infront of them by screaming at me and making me feel bad about the things I do. I think I can say that no one ever cared for me like my m other did.

Today going out with her is an scape from my house. She lets me talk without telling me to shut up like my dad does. She understand me more than anyone. She makes me feel love. She makes me feel like anything could happen, and she would still love me more than anything. She would go anywhere with mw if I needed her . It seems like I really am special to her. 

there is a problem. This makes it harder for me to talk to her about how I truly feel.

How do I tell my mother that her only daughter wishes to sleep and never wake up?

how am I supposed to tell her that my dad, the man she loves, is the one causing me most of my anxiety?

How do I tell her that i want to unfriend everyone just so that they wont get sad once I disappear?

I can't tell her that, that would break her heart, and I rather die than make her feel that way.

I love my mom more than everything, that is why I watch what I say to her, because if I giver her the slightest hint that I really don't wanna be in anyone's life anymore, she would literally go crazy. I would never do that to her.

I still don't know how to get rid of these feelings. I k now staying quiet is not the best.

So, instead, I stay as the happy friend that tells dark jokes about her mental health and no one takes her seriously. So if you see this, take it as a joke that helps me cope with the way I grew up. Laugh it off as you read this, and after you move on to the next chapter, forget about it. Either way, I'm just another insignificant human living in this world that will soon be turned to dust.

I know I'm supposed to make jokes, and make my life look so fucking perfect that people are jealous of me, but this is not the case. Truth is, I hate everything about myself.

At times I imagine what my friend's life would be if I was never born, it may sound selfish, but what if they were better off without me?.

It's hard to not think like this. 

Maybe my friends were better off without the annoying short girl that always makes jokes and never takes shit seriously.

Or maybe my mother would be happier if she didn't have a mentally ill daughter that hated herself so much.

Maybe my father would be more loving. he wont have to deal with someone as stupid as me.

The people around me don't make me feel this way. On the contrary, they make me feel like life is no9t as bad as it seems.

I still can't help think this way.

So...

I would like to apologize in advance it my friends and family.

you guys are worth it, and probably the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole entire life.

I could not be more grateful to have you all by my side.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

I'm sorry I make you feel like you're not enough.

I wish I could've given you more, because you deserve everything good this life has to offer.

.