So It Goes

"I love you."

"I love you."

Just like that I shattered.

Those three words had more impact than any word I had ever heard or said. I couldn't believe it , I didn't want to believe it, but I knew I had to. It was the truth, that's why it hurt. It also hurt because I never thought Drew would do it. But she did it, I had to face the reality.

Tears streamed down my face. Everything seemed blurry. The tears were streaming down so fast I felt I was drowning in them. I looked down, the ground was wet. I looked up, it was raining. I wanted to scream. The rain was really loud, I probably could and no one would hear. I wanted to scream but I couldn't manage any sound. I couldn't manage anything. All I could see was Drew in the arms of another with a really wide smile when he had his arm around her, a smile I knew I hadn't seen on Drew's face in a long, long time. All I could hear was Drew's laugh at the other guy's jokes and the blood rushing when she said she loved him, she looked like she meant it. Drew hadn't looked at me the way she was looking at the other guy in years honestly, she looked at him with so much love and adulation like she could look at him forever and never get tired of the view.

"I love you."

The words kept repeating in my head, as if she was standing right next to me in his arms saying those words over and over again. I wanted to go over there and beg her to take me back, beg her to forget him and forget the past, I wanted to tell her I still loved her. But some nasty, feral part of me also wanted to go over there and punch the other guy's lights out and demand why I wasn't enough. 

Why was my love not enough? 

Why wasn't I good enough?

Did he have something I didn't ? 

Did he love her more than i did?

Did he have a better body?

Does he look better than I do?

Is he richer than I am?

Does he give her more attention?

What made her do this ? 

What was it about me that she so hated that she had to cheat on me ? Because if it brings her back I would change it. I would change every aspect of myself if it meant she would just love me again. I'd do everything get Drew back. I really wanted Drew back. I also felt dumb, wondered how I didn't figure this out, why someone else had to tell me that my wife was out cheating on me . The tell-tale signs were all there , she would never leave her phone unattended and if she did it would be locked and kept face down, she suddenly had to work late nights very often and would crash at a friend's place because it was late and she was tired, she had many conferences to go to as she was given the accounts of many overseas clientele. How could I be so dumb ? If it was anyone else I would have known, but this was Drew and I loved Drew. Maybe a bit too much. Yes, definitely a bit too much. The old James would have figured it out, but this James, he was in love with his wife and her every fault was disregarded as a minor slip-up. Her every move made me fall in love even more.

 That's when the anger started to settle in, it wanted to unleash its rage upon everyone and everything. I wanted to break something , mostly that guy's face. I don't really know what I wanted to do, but I knew I had to take this anger out somehow or it would be all consuming. It would make me do something stupid and terrible. I trusted Drew with everything, I gave her everything, I gave us everything. She told me she loves me before she left but now that I look back it sounded forced, as if she didn't really want to say it so she does either way as an obligation. That's what I was to Drew now, an obligation. The only reason she hadn't left me was because she was morally obligated to not leave me for another man.