Forget about me

Chapter ten

Hunter

Fuck you for making me think for a single second that I'm not.

Her words ring in my head. It's hard to swallow through the lump in my throat. My chest constricts and every beat in my chest drives her words in further. We made her think she wasn't enough. To know that she ever, for even a second, felt like she wasn't good enough because of us. It makes me sick.

There's so much pain in her eyes. Looking at the grown woman in front of me all I see is a child that was forced to grow up. I can see the hurt turn to anger inside her. Can see her distrust and hate for me and my brothers. It makes the anger in my own chest raise its head. She left us without even saying goodbye. Never telling us why. She ran. Then almost ten years later she shows up, doesn't seek us out and acts as if we're the monsters. Refuses to tell us where she's been or what's happened to her. Doesn't apologize or try to explain. She doesn't get to hate us for trying to keep her safe. She wasn't even happy to see us. And in spite of everything we were overjoyed.

My mouth falls open to snap back at her. But nothing comes out. The hurt is stronger than my anger. Her own cuts me too deep. "Sometimes I wished you were dead." The confession slips out unbidden. Nothing more than a hushed whisper. "That your body would wash up somewhere. Because then we could grieve before moving on. The others could heal, the wounds you left on them could scab over and we could all move on. Instead, you show up here, not dead but not alive either. You're just a ghost with a beating heart."

She flinches at the sincerity in my voice. At the truth of my words. I want to hurt her like she hurt me. But seeing my words sink into her, seeing them cut her deeply only makes the pain in my chest worsen.

Ignoring the voice in my head that's screaming at me to take it back, to pull her into my arms and whisper soothing words, to ease her pain, I turn on my heel and leave. She's made it very clear she won't stay here. That she doesn't want to. I can't let her in. I can't live through the pain of losing her once more. This is better. I've lived with this pain for a long time. I'm used to it. Alex can't stay here. I know that the others desperately want her too but if it were up to me I'd send her on her way. All that's going to happen by keeping her here is hurt my brothers again. She'll deepen wounds that have never healed. Wounds they barely survived the first time around. Alex will tear them apart.

As much as I wish we could go back to how it was before. To pretend she never left us. To act as if this pain didn't exist. I can't. I can't pretend that her being back here makes what she did disappear. I won't simply welcome Alex back. It'd have been one thing if she was here for us. To apologize and ask for help to keep her safe from whoever hurt her. But she didn't. Alex doesn't even want our help. Having her here is like my own personal hell. Time never healed the wounds she left behind.

I don't want her here. Alex needs to disappear again. She needs to find that treasure and then go up in smoke. Me and my brothers will all be better off for it. The walls I've built over ten years, that we've all built around our family, she's tearing down by simply being in this house. The day she left she dug four graves. Threw our hearts six feet under and buried them there. It took years for us to dig them up again with our bare hands. So, I can't just feel okay to have the woman who dug our hearts graves back here. The others are just offering their hearts up on a platter for her to do it all over again. I won't let her. Alex needs to go before it hurts them too much. I don't think it'll be very hard to send her off. She already wants to leave. All I really have to do is let her.

Ryder looks up as I stalk past him by the stairs. He raises an eyebrow at me in question but I don't have an answer. He doesn't say anything to push as I rip open the door to the basement and head straight for the gym. Pulling my hoodie off, I go straight for the punching bag swaying from the ceiling. I wish it was Alexandra's face I imagined as my fists slam into the leather, but instead it's a hooded figure whose face I can't see. All I see is him wrapping his hand around my girl's throat. Of him choking her so hard it leaves a print on her pale skin. I can feel my skin break on the bag as I hit harder and harder.

The hooded figure lifts her into the air. Her feet try to kick him in vain. Her fingers claw at the hand keeping air from her lungs. The figure turns toward me. He lifts his head and looks me dead in the eye. Glinting green eyes stare at me as Alex's life slowly drains from her. I watch as I kill her.

My breaths come faster and my knuckles feel raw. They ache as I keep punching. Keep seeing myself hurt the girl I love. Over and over again I see my own hand wrap around her throat. I see my own handprints on her throat. I hurt her. I know I did.

I have to lose her again. We all do. It's what's best for everyone. But that doesn't mean I won't figure out who hurt her. Who she ran from. We'll hunt them down and make sure they never lay a hand on her again. I'll do whatever I can to keep her safe even if she won't be here.

"We'll find him." Shade speaks lowly coming around to brace the bag. How he almost always knows what's going on in our heads I'll never know. "Once we've earned back her trust she'll tell us everything. Why she didn't come back. Who hurt her. What's she's been through. Everything." I don't know if he's reassuring me or himself of that. Probably both. His eyes see everything as they watch me.

"Locking her out of her room and forcing her to rotate between our rooms won't make her anything but angrier at us." I pant between words. Even as I put more force behind my punches Shade steadies the bag with ease.

"Ryder's scared. He's doing what he thinks is best for her, which is keeping her here. I think he keeps forgetting that she trusts us less than we trust her." Shade says reasonably.

My eyes stay locked on a spot on the leather bag. Too afraid to look Shade in the eye, afraid he'll see the lie in them if I do. "I wish she never came back here."

"You don't mean that."

Grunting with the effort I slam my knuckles into the bag harder. "I do. Things were good. We were good. Now everything's fucked up."

"Things weren't good. We were coping. Living half a life." Shade can sniff the lie out even without looking me in the eye. I hate him a little bit for it.

"What happens when she leaves us again? Huh?" I snap stepping back and letting my arms hang limply at my sides. "Jem has gotten his hopes up, thinking things will be as before. He'll be crushed. Ryder will spiral out of control, he already is. You'll disappear so deeply into yourself none of us would be able to bring you back even if we were able to try." I push away the near white strands that have fallen out of the bun from my face.

"And you?" Shade pushes gently. His gaze searches mine as I look up.

Honestly, I don't know. "I'll be fine."

Shade scoffs shaking his head at me. "How come you were the last of us to stop looking for her but the one who wants her gone the moment she's found?"

"Because I was a stupid and naïve kid. I thought she didn't leave of her own accord. I was scared she was in danger." I sigh. It's hard to tell him the truth. "Then, after a while when I couldn't find her, I started looking for her death. Almost hoped for it." The last words are nothing more than a whisper.

"Because that would've been easier than believing she abandoned us." Shade fills in understanding dawning in his hazel eyes. "Like your father abandoned your mother. Like he abandoned you."

Throat too thick with emotion to answer I give him a curt nod before turning away. I don't want his pity or comfort. My dad abandoning me and mom fucked me up. I know it did. Shade and I lived next door to each other, our mothers both alone so they helped each other out. He's always been a part of my life. But when Jem and Ryder started hanging out with us in school, I was apprehensive. Afraid to trust and let anyone close. Always prepared for them to leave. But then they didn't. When Lexie became a part of our group, I was the last to come around. It took me over a year to stop pretending I didn't like her. She was never discouraged by my scowl and mean remarks. She kept smiling at me. Kept being kind and treated me like she treated the others no matter what I said or did. She earned my trust. My love. Then she burned it to the ground and scattered the ashes in the wind the day she left. I am not about to let history repeat itself.

"Look, you can keep your distance from her. I can talk to Ryder about her not sleeping in your room at all if you'd like. Just don't do anything stupid."

No promises.