Meeting Caria was strange I kept seeing her is school everywhere I looked. I never noticed her, she was very quiet and kept to her self during school time. We never really talked in school, I still was surrounded by all my "friends" at that point.
Caria seemed like a different person at school, she progressively through the day would lower her head. Her expression always stayed the same, and she always nervously fiddled with her ring or bracelet as she walked through the halls. I tried to smile at her to be kind, and she would faintly smile back; school was no home to her though. We didn't share any classes that year, or any years before so I never got to ask her what was wrong during school. When we got home she was a different person so I decided I had no reason to ask her what was wrong.
Maybe Florida wasn't such a bad place to live, if it weren't for the constant heat, today's winter air was just the same as last springs. The same spring I held close to my heart. Caria and I slowly became closer between walks to and from school, and running over to catch cooking ingredients for parents. I learned she played the cello, flute, and ukulele. A very strange combination. I learned she liked warmth, but not heat. She enjoyed cool air but not being cold. She saw so many differences in such small casualties I need noticed. I've spring break I was in the backyard working on my fear of baseballs. I was tossing it in the air, when Caria climbed the fence. She smiled at me. "I thought I heard you," she said from the top of the fence. "I feel like I haven't seen you in forever with break going on." I was shocked she said that, because I didn't know she noticed me during school hours. "Do you play?" She said changing the subject. I think she realized how little attention I paid to her in school, and she didn't want me to say it to her face.
I looked at the red seams of the ball and shook my head. "I used to, not to long ago." She tilted her head like an owl would.
"Used to? Why not anymore?" I shook my head again as she slide down the fence into my yard slowly making it closer. "I bet you're good too." She extended her arm out for the ball.
"Stop," I turned my back to her. It hurts to think about, I don't want to play anymore. "That was an old pastime of mine." Her eyes widened with curiosity and somewhat sympathy.
"Wh-what happened?" She whispered. I realized there was no turning back now, I had to speak out about my life to welcome her into it. Which I was shaky about doing at that moment. I told her about my last game, and the hospital. I told her about how my teammates resented me, and everyone crowded around me at school. It was a hard thing to explain to someone you haven't known very long, but everything spilled out of me like I was emptying every misdemeanor, every little thing that I screwed up.
"It just hasn't been the same..." I told her. Caria softly smiled with her mouth, but her eyes were smiling wide at me.
"You should try again if you loved it." She said taking the ball from my grasp and tossing it back and forth between her hands mimicking what I was doing. "My favorite poem," she brushed her bangs back then continued "Speaks about dreams, and that if we let a dream die, or even let go of it. There's no point in living, or trying to go on." She smiled. Paused and then went on. "I can tell you need some space I'll let you have it." I didn't ignore her as she walked away but she was right I needed the space. "It's by Langston Hughes, if you ever want to search it up. It's worth reading trust me." With a silent fling she was over then fence, and I was left alone tossing a base ball from one sweaty palm to another. Trying to decide. Did I love the game? And if I did, how much passion did I have for it...
Molly finally arrived home and let me inside. I had reached 45 different figures in the clouds by the time she got home. "You should stop forgetting your key." She snapped. I didn't really care. I didn't mind waiting. Counting. And watching the clouds again like I would with Caria, Taking in the warmth of the sun on a cool Florida day. Suddenly after almost a year, I felt the need to look up the poem. I almost forgot about it, it had no significance to me, and I never was big on poetry. I never understood why it was special. I guess all girls liked it. My mom too had a big book of poetry she would occasionally read from. I opened up the table of contents for four different books before I finally reached the poem I was looking for. I turned the crinkled old pages and finally landed on a the poem. My mom had a list by it. It said her dreams, but I could hardly make out what it said it was so long ago. The poem was titled "Dreams"
Slowly I read it...
"Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow."
-Langston Hughes
Once again I read it this time aloud. I couldn't help but wonder what Caria might have dreamed so much about. Or why she wanted to dream so much. I laid down on the couch reading the poem over and over. I read each word as if it had a specific meaning. The flow of the the poem made my realize love. I couldn't express what I felt. I wondered if Caria had dreams in her lifetime, and if she did I wondered what she drampt of. Did she know her life would end, or was it an incident that shocked her just as much as I. Hours past, and I'm still thinking about Caria. Everything, every word we shared every smile she gave me. Our last words, and even out first kiss. Everything circled my head and trapped me. I now understand what being sieged is like, because I was doing it to myself.
"I recognize that face," She whispered "That's the face you make when your dreaming." The voice rang in my ears, it was heavenly. It was the voice of some one I recognized, but I couldn't place it, it had a long inhuman echo to its melodic tone. "Sam, I thought you didn't have dreams." She mocked. It couldn't be, Caria could it? I sat still not looking up from my book. We know she's dead there's no way. Yet Caria was the only person I ever had depth with our conversations. Only she knew how much I hated thinking for the future. "Or were your dreams simply," the voice said elusively "To dream?"
I couldn't hold it in anymore, I didn't know who was home or who was doing this, but I knew that voice was Caria. "You Caria Vanderson, are my dream." I whispered. Her voice speared in my head, this time laughing telling me to say more. "I never dream or until I met you, and when I did I deampt of us." I heard her laugh again, and then her smile slowly appeared from our of no where. "I dreamt of you loving me not your boyfriend, and future days we would share." The smile shifted and slowly a neck and a torso appeared. "I loved you Caria." Finally, completely, Caria Vanderson stood in front of me. A light blue dress she was buried in and white sandals. Her hair loosely left in curls that framed her face.
"I had no idea you thought like that..." She whispered, as she took a step back. And one forward again. "That's sweet of you, I wish you told me."
I couldn't believe my mind was playing tricks on me like this. "I tried..." I stood up from the chair. I was taller than her, so I now looked down upon her pale face.
"I knew you loved me, I could tell by the way you talked" She took a step closer and brushed her hand down my check. "I just wish you told me, so I didn't have to be a lost soul still curious about my high school crush." She smiled and laughed then kissed me shortly. "I love you too Sam." I leaned in to kiss her again, this time the right way, to let her know I was here to stay. She pulled back from me "I have to go Sam." With a quick Pivot she was heading out the door. She walked fast as usually, as I chased her out the door. Finally I could reach her hand, and when I did she faced me, and tears rolled down her face. "It hurts knowing I won't see you anymore. But it hurts being here on with you." She ran out the back door and over the fence. I let her leave, I didn't know what I could do. I sat there awestruck, I didn't know what to do now, I didn't even completely know what just happened.
