A message to my ex-best friend...

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What the hell happened to us.. We were inseparable.. 4 years.. You knew everything about me and I knew everything about you.. You used to be the only one who understood me.. You knew how everyone around me hurt me.. You knew how much I was suffering.. So why.. Why did you have to hurt me so bad.. My favourite person in the world.. My other half.. The person who I thought was my soulmate.. You made me feel like trash.. Like I meant absolutely nothing to you.. You promised me over and over and over again.. But every time it would end the same way.. And I kept forgiving and forgiving.. Until my heart couldn't take it anymore.. It ached.. It hurt.. I kept having panic attacks one after the other.. I started doubting myself again.. I started hating myself.. All over again.. I had to push you away this time.. Because I knew it was gonna happen again and this time it would completely destroy me.. The past year I've been fighting for us.. But I don't have more energy to fight.. So I stopped trying.. And you realized we were drifting apart but what you didn't realise was that it was too late.. I've been preparing myself for this for a year because I knew.. I knew I was going to lose you soon.. But I didn't want to accept it.. It's been almost a week since I blocked you.. But I cant get you out of my mind.. So I went back.. To check just in case.. Just in case you messaged me.. A huge part of me begged to see even one tiny message.. Asking me what went wrong and how we could fix it.. But I saw nothing.. You had blocked me too. I guess I deserve it don't I? I should have just. Sucked it up and said nothing. Maybe if I waited a little.. You would have realised I was dying inside without you.. Maybe you would have realised for how long I've been trying to keep us alive and you would have told me.. Something I don't know.. anything.. But instead the past few months I watched you replace me.. No more posting me on your stories and tagging me.. No more sending me random memes.. You only texted me when you needed someone at 3am to comfort you and deal with your shit because you didn't want to 'bother' your other friends.. But when I needed you?.. Where the hell were you.. Oh right. You were ignoring me for them. Leaving me on delivered for hours when I knew you were replying to them.. God I fell so selfish for wanting to continue too write stories together with you when you didn't seem to even want to reply to me anymore.. But each time you would promise me you'd be here to write with me because you knew it was something I needed to keep myself alive.. But each time you promised, you'd stop replying again.. And then you would accuse me of 'only being friends with you for the stories'. That was bullshit. absolute bullshit. But yeah. It was important to me. Because it was our thing. Doing it with you made me feel at peace. Like everything was going to be okay. While writing with you I felt no anxiety. No depression, no stress. And then you took that away from me and you expected me to just 'be okay with it'. I get it. You don't love it anymore. But why did you keep promising me again and again. You could have just told me and gotten it over with. This. THIS was the part that hurt me. The empty fucking promises. Fuck the writing. Yeah I had an emotional bond with our characters but I could have started writing with someone else. But you hurt me so bad that writing doesn't bring me peace anymore. It makes me remember us and how there's no 'us' anymore. This is what fucking hurt me. Because you knew. You knew how hurt it was making me because I told you over and over again but you just kept on doing it. Why. Did you hate me? Did you love seeing me in so much pain that it would end up making my whole body ache and shake? If not then why did you do this? I don't want any excuses like 'oh I was just trying to let you easy' or 'I just didn't want u to leave'. Again. BULLSHIT. We both know I would have never left you if you had just told me the fucking truth from the fucking beginning. I used to wait for hours and hours goddammit.. I would always have my phone on me just in case you replies.. I would stay up till 12am waiting and whenever I would wake up in the middle of the night due to my insomnia, checking for your reply was the first thing I would do.. But they just weren't there anymore.. But I kept checking even though I knew nothing would change.. I just hoped.. That's the only thing I could do.. Eventually, I learned my lesson.. I stopped getting excited when you'd reply cause I knew you'd disappear again.. And you never once proved me wrong.. I don't like holding grudges.. But man was it hard to not do it.. If you told me 2 years ago we would be here like this.. I would probably be laughing and running to tell you that I met a crazy person and then we would laugh together.. Because back then I though you would never treat me like this.. Ever.. Couldn't even imagine us fighting.. Man was I a fool.. I wish I would have never let my guard down.. That way I would have never gotten hurt..

I am not as bad as you make me out to be. You just want to justify how badly you treated me.

But even so.. I wish you the best.. I hope your life is nothing but full of happiness.. I love you and I always will.. No matter what.. Because you are my person..

I hope we meet again.. Either in this life or another.. I hope you can find someone to love you even one tenth of as much as I do.. There's so much more I want to write but my heart cant take anymore..

With lost of love,

Nutella cat