It's Still There ✔️

Epilogue

I looked over the horizon, the sun already set. The stars twinkled above me.

Carter had stars in his eyes before they died out.

Sobs ran down my face and I stumbled inside. I stopped right in front of a brick wall. I proceeded to bash my head on it.

"STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!? HE LOVED YOU! I LOVED HIM! WHY?" I said repeatedly, smashing my head into the wall. I didn't care that I was bleeding. I deserved this. I deserve to feel every type of pain. And even then, it won't amount to the pain I caused him. My forehead was covered in blood at this point. I grabbed the whiskey bottle and smashed it over my head.

I walked into a closet and leaned down. I cried my eyes out. I locked the door to make sure I couldn't get out and harm myself.

Why did I betray him? Why did I leave him? Why didn't I stick up for him? If I did anything, maybe he would've still been here, with me. We could've gotten married, now that it's allowed.

I didn't deserve everything Carter gave me. I didn't deserve his love. He was too kind, too innocent, too caring for the world.

A few years later after I graduated university, I found out about my ex-friends and how they ended up.

Patty became a successful model. But then she got addicted to heroin and her career fell down. Now she lives in the streets, begging for money.

Fred worked in a factory. One day, during an accident, he fell off a ladder and landed on his back. He became paralyzed and lives in a home.

Lauren began dating and hooked up with a drug dealer. She got involved in everything and one day she was killed by another drug dealer.

Ned became an alcoholic. He one day tried contacting me, saying he needed to get something off his chest. But I never responded. I found out later that he had an addiction problem. All the guilt he had caused him to kill himself. I heard from old acquaintances who went to his funeral that Ned had apologized to Carter and everything he did to him.

And that leaves me. I guess you can say that me being on this planet is my torture. I have to live everyday knowing that I was the cause of Carter's death. That a simple action did all this. I would rather be broke and be with Carter than being rich and alone.

I missed Carter with my being.

I felt like no matter what I accomplish in life, it'll never be enough to forgive my sins. I took advantage of him.

Because that's what I did to Carter. Betrayed him. He trusted me.

"HE LOVED YOU! HE LOVED YOU!" I screamed repeatedly at myself. I punched my face. I cuddled myself as I sobbed.

I'm forever lonely.

I walked out the closet, making sure I kept my anger in. But how could I? What I did is unexcusable. What I did will haunt me until the very day I die.

I walked out to the pool. I jumped in with all my clothes still on. My vision in the water was clouded by blood that was still oozing from my head and hands. I let myself sink deeper in the water while I wanted nothing more than to disappear forever. Slowly, I sank until my limp body hit the bottom of the pool.

I promised to be by his side. I promised to love him. I promised that he could trust me. I promised to do everything for him. And in the end, he got nothing. And he got suffering. The idea that in Carter's final moments, he felt his worst. Not only was he terroized by who he was, but the fact that he lost me must've been the final blow. A phonecall was all I needed to do to tell Carter that I was sorry. But no matter how badly I wanted to apologize, he was dead.