The Pastor's Daughter

01// In The Eyes of God

Iris Adams

   Suddenly, everything was new.

   I hadnt expected so much change, but as my father turns down the radio to announce were approaching our new hometown, it all sinks in.

   The scenery has changed from a variety of green hues of the plants to the grey skies of the city. Colour fades and everything that I see through the car window passes in a blur, making my head spin.

   I roll down my window slightly, just enough to take in the scent of the air outside. Its almost stale, and incredibly polluted. The sky is foggy, and my lungs fill with the air of the city.

   Iris, put your window up, its too rainy, snaps my mother, causing my eyes to snap to her. She turns around in her seat and her eyes widen at the sight of me. And cross your legs! How youre sitting is very unbecoming of you! Instantly, I do what she says, earning a sympathetic look from my younger brother, Elijah, who automatically sits up straighter when his eyes meet my disapproving fathers in the rearview mirror.

   She was right though. Rain slowly starts to come down from the sky, clouds opening up for water droplets to fall. Easton nudges my foot with his, catching my attention. His eyes shift to his phone, and then mine, nodding slightly.

   With a suspicious look, I make sure my mom and dad arent looking before I turn on my phone, looking at my screen to his message. I sneak one more quick peek at my parents before unlocking my phone and clicking on his message.

Elijah Adams:

Mums such a pest sometimes, man, its killing me.

   I read his message and try not to laugh; Elijahs correct. I begin to type back when dad once again announces something, but this time, my heart sinks into my stomach, and Elijah goes pale. Were here.

   The car pulls up and dad turns off the ignition, the consistent hum of the vehicle stopping. Elijah is the first to open his door and step out, the corners of his lips tipping up slightly as the rain hits his face.

   Elijah, grab your bags and get inside, we dont need to get the house soaking wet! barks mom, this time making him flinch at her harsh words. He reaches in, grabbing both mine and his suitcases before dashing into the house. I open my door and step out, going to follow when I turn around to see two other people outside across the street.

   The girl is dressed in basketball shorts and a black tank top, and so is the boy. He immediately tackles the girl onto the ground, making the puddle in their lawn splash onto them. I hear laughter from the girl as she pins him down onto the ground, making him groan in defeat. I find myself smiling slightly at the sight of them getting covered in mud and water.

   Iris, in the house now! Youre going to catch a cold and then well all be sick. demands mom, making me come back to reality, and I nod. I grab the cat carrier that was at my feet and then follow my mom inside after shutting the door.

***

   Dinner is awkwardly quiet, with only my father talking about his companys plans, talking about how God has blessed our family immensely with this new opportunity. My brother, while looking incredibly uncomfortable, dares to not speak or protest as our dad continues to preach to us.

   School starts tomorrow. says mom after a while of silence, her fork twirling the mashed potatoes around on her plate. Elijah chokes slightly on his glass of water, earning a glare from our father. I pat his back a few times until he regains composure.

   Tomorrow? repeats Elijah in disbelief.

   Yes, tomorrow. Now finish your food and head to your rooms, I dont want you two being late. says dad, jumping into our conversation and making Elijahs cheeks turn a light pink.

   I take a mouthful of the peas on my plate, trying not to gag at the popping of them in my mouth. Mom seems to notice the disdained look and scowls. She knows I struggle with the textures of foods but has never really cared too much. She always claims that its the way God made things and I should be grateful to even have food.

   Enough with picking at your food, Iris. says mom, making my cheeks heat up. I hate when she calls me out. Have you gained weight? she asks, squinting her eyes at me.

   My heart drops into my stomach and I can feel my hands starting to sweat at her words. I dont think so. I reply, swallowing the massive lump in my throat.

   I believe you have, I can see it in your cheeks, she retorts. You wont have any proper men in your life if youre fat, Iris. she adds, making my stomach twist around from embarrassment.

   Mom, its not really about-

   Quiet, Elijah.

   Everything doubles as my vision blurs from tears, and I bite the inside of my cheek hard enough so that Im able to snap myself out of the trance shes put me in once again. No matter how many times my mom brings up my weight, it always hits like a freight train and burns itself into my mind.

   I want it to stop.

***

   Laying in my bed has always given me too much time to think. Too much time to pick at every part of me that disappoints my mom, that she would say was unacceptable as a woman in the eyes of God.

   Too much fat in some areas, the dead ends of my hair werent attractive at all. I didnt sleep much, so the bags under my eyes were gross- but I wasnt allowed makeup. So what did she expect of me?

    It doesnt make sense. Nor does it matter. But what really hurts is that I will never be good enough for her. Praying hasn't changed anything. I'm stuck.

    I want it to stop.