I've always had a diary, probably since I was twelve.
I've always wanted to be fluent in a bunch of languages and just understanding them made me feel smarter, in a way.
I became fluent in English at the age of twelve or thirteen.
Just listening constantly to content creators and slowly starting to understand, that's how you learn a language.
When you don't understand a word you search it up and write it down.
It's 3:47 in the morning and I just read 30 minutes of Call me by your name with Armie Hammer's audiobook.
I've been wanting to do that for months... I'm a massive procrastinator.
The author writes beautifully but sometimes he uses words I don't understand, I try to make sense of it by using the context.
Tomorrow I'll try again and write down whatever I don't know. I did that with "They Both Die At The End" and I learned a lot of new words.
Yesterday I slept at Melissa's house. We played video games.
She can talk to 3 boys at once.
She's actually interested in this one guy and they kissed on the first date. They were even intimate than that on the first meet up since it wasn't really a date.
He gave her a hickey for dare.
She sucked him off for a dare.
She said he was happy and kinder after it.
Blanca noticed the hickey and I tried to hide my laugh.
She was laughing too.
She's actually really disrespectful to her mother and to anyone else really.
I just realized.
That was Friday, every Friday Sam is in Genk and I texted my dad to go home and play Roblox. I know I'm not a good friend but she was calling with guys and was constantly being on her phone ignoring me.
I don't know what would have happened had I said yes.
I don't know why I'm like that but I'd rather be at home than socialize.
I always feel like I'm not actually a person. And it's hard to socialize because of it. I'm not really aware of my body.
I'm aware of my body but not in the perspective of another person that sees me. I could only see through my own eyes and couldn't imagine seeing from someone else's.
I feel like a camera, constantly filming, constantly capturing and I feel like this all the time.
I don't feel human.
And when I'm with other people, I get emotional. I almost cried when I was with Melissa that day. It was dark and we were both in bed. I was looking at her and she wasn't looking at me. I don't know exactly what we said but I think it was a question about personal opinion and I lied, I lied because if I said the truth the conversation would end there and even though I lied, it ended just as fast and I realized that we don't talk that much. And I realize that I'm kind of boring. I'm a boring person. And why am I okay with that? I don't know but I am. I'd rather feel comfortable than constantly overwhelmed, constantly having new things to think about. I admire Melissa because her life isn't boring, her life is quite fun. She has more memories and she always has a new thing going on with a guy.
I never had something with a guy before, maybe because I actually value a person and I want someone completely right for me not just someone who likes me sexually. I want someone who can make me feel a thrill and give me something to think about. I want someone that's intelligent. But Melissa just kind of falls in love with about anyone that she finds attractive enough, and posts sad things when it's over.
I don't know, I'm not like that.
I'd rather have one relationship that last 5 years than 7 that last 3 months. Or maybe I'm wrong.
I admire Alyssia, we called today. She makes me happy because I like her but she makes me nervous and I don't know how to speak to her. She has that camera look on her face but I see her. She's confident and wise. She has a lot of friends but sees me and acknowledges me. Just like Melissa does.
Errin and I talked today.
I don't know if I could fall in love with him and probably not but I love the way we can talk.
I just hate how he's so shy and not confident at all.
