𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐄𝐃

Chapter 4

High Tide

Draco's face was buried in Harry's cloak as they walked against the gale force, chilling winds. Harry pulled Draco closer with the arm he had wrapped around the other's waist and relished the feel of Draco burrowing further into his chest. Harry was now leading them both, not that he minded much, although he was a little put out that he couldn't stare at Draco this way. Harry watched Draco's teeth chatter as he pulled his scarf up higher, he looked almost endearing and Harry couldn't quell the urge to lean forward and brush his lips against the icy skin of Draco's forehead.

Obsidian eyes, that had been previously scrunched up to protect from the relentless wind, opened wide and stared at him questioningly. Draco cocked his head to the side in curiosity and Harry chuckled that such a simple gesture, to him, could be made into something almost profound. The smile was still detectable in his voice when he asked, "Do you want to get hot chocolate or something before we head back?"

Draco shook his head almost shyly and glanced away from Harry looking thoroughly confused. Harry stopped abruptly and so did Draco. He placed his hand under Draco's chin and forced their eyes to meet and wrapped both arms around Draco's waist, Draco leaned forward on the balls of his feet in imperceptible invitation. Harry smiled widely and met Draco's lips with his own. He caressed the blonde's mouth with his and a thrill ran through his body when Draco accepted his tongue. He was too perfect, too supple, too amazing, Harry thought desirously. He withdrew, breathlessly, from Draco's enticing lips and whispered against them, "You don't want anything, then?"

Draco gave him an odd look and seemed to be appraising whether or not this was a dream, "Who are you and what have you done with Harry?"

Harry grinned and ran a tongue along Draco's neck the way he liked, breathing seductively against his skin, "I can't just be nice to my boyfriend?"

Draco gazed at him worriedly, "Okay, now I know you're not Harry." He stared hard at him, "You have never called me your boyfriend before."

Harry laced his fingers through Draco's, another unprecedented move, and began walking again, "Well I should start then."

Harry felt resistance on the hand he was holding and realized Draco had stopped. Draco used one arm to bundle himself and looked at Harry as if he was terrified, "You're scaring me."

Harry was beyond lost. He walked back to Draco and skimmed a hand across his cheek in a soothing gesture, "Why?"

Draco leaned into his touch but was still looking at him as if he were an alien, "This isn't you."

Harry didn't understand and shook his head to clear his thoughts. What did Draco want? He had only been trying to do what he had thought would make Draco happy. He raised an eyebrow and asked in genuine interest, "Would you rather I was awful to you?"

Harry gazed at Draco and was surprised to see him blinking tears from his eyes. He tried to pull his hand from Harry's grasp, but his attempt was weak at best and Harry's hold didn't loosen at all. Draco glanced away from him and his voice was tear-choked, "You can't do this."

Harry's mouth opened in alarm, what was he doing wrong? "Do what?"

Draco shook his head tiredly as if Harry should already know. He still wasn't looking at Harry as he bit his lip and answered quietly, "Be like this."

Harry pulled Draco to him and his voice was almost pleading, "Like what?"

Draco sniffled, "Nice. You can't act like you care about me and then just take it all away when you feel like it. If you let me see this side of you, I'll want it all the time and then I won't be able to...be able to..."

Harry's voice cracked as he realized what Draco was saying, "Stay with me?"

Draco wiped a stray tear from his cheek, still not looking at Harry and nodded slowly. He didn't want to tell Harry any of this, but he just couldn't do the Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde thing right now. He needed Harry to be Harry because if he acted like the 'Harry' Draco wanted him to be, the 'Harry' he fantasized about, how would he ever be able to go back?

"I've acted like this before, haven't I?" Harry asked in a small voice. He honestly couldn't remember but he was sure he was nice to Draco at least some of the time.

Draco shook his head, did Harry really not know? "No." He saw Harry's face fall and admitted, "Sometimes you're better, but not like this, never like this." This past week had been delicious torment. It had been everything he had ever wanted but the expiration date on this new Harry was always looming on the horizon and Draco was constantly waiting with bated breath for the moment he would be hit or yelled at or told to leave.

Harry didn't know how to fix this, but he was willing to try anything, "What do you want me to do?"

Draco sighed, "I don't know."

Harry felt the unquenchable anger that never left his gullet surge and swell as he was forced to point out the irony, "It seems weird that you would want to.....leave me...after I tried to be more like I thought you'd want me to be."

Draco seemed taken aback and said quickly, "I didn't say that I wanted to leave you, Harry. I love you, I never want to be without you, I just, I have to figure out how to be with you again. If you could just guarantee you'd stay like this...."

Is that all he wanted? Harry could do that, "I can."

Draco exhaled sharply, "No, you can't Harry."

"Yes, I can," Harry stated, annoyed that Draco was telling him how he would act.

Draco rolled his eyes, "Harry, I know you believe that but eventually everything will go back to the way it was and I just I don't know if I can handle that, because I know I'll forget that this, with you, right now, is just temporary."

"What do you want to do?" Harry inquired through gritted teeth.

Draco shrugged, "Let's just...spend some time apart. I'll come by when I've figured everything out."

Harry's fists clenched at his side and his jaw hurt from how hard he was clamping it, "So basically you're leaving me, then?"

Draco ran a hand through his soft locks, "I already told you, 'no.' Don't pretend like you're upset about losing me, you don't even like me most the time, let alone love me. I'm only here because you need an outlet."

Harry's eyes widened in surprise as he asked uneasily, "Who told you that?" He was going to kill whoever had.

Draco huffed, giving him a glare that said quite clearly, 'That's not the point.' "I'm not an idiot, Harry, at least not in this aspect. I'm actually quite astute, not that you would have a clue, you barely know me. Besides, it's not like you hide it, at all. I should leave you, I know that, I do. You treat me like I'm so utterly inferior to you and you...h-hurt me....but I love you too damn much to be away from you! I know I mean nothing to you and I've...I've considered leaving, I've even tried a few times, but I spend two days apart from you and I can't stand it anymore."

Was that really how Draco felt? Harry's head was spinning and he couldn't believe that Draco was so....different and forceful. Maybe Draco was right, maybe he really didn't know him. "Why didn't you ever tell me that you knew?"

Draco scoffed derisively, "As if you would listen. I hate that I love you, hate it. I should despise you and yet I follow you around like some loyal lapdog. Do you know that it physically hurts me to say this to you? I feel sick to my stomach and every muscle in my body is aching and the worst part is, it probably doesn't affect you in the least. I love you. I hate you. And I love you. So I'm not going anywhere, but I can't....if things keep going like this, I'll become manic. I just need some time to figure all of this out, okay?"

"If that's what you want," Harry said quietly. He, surprisingly, didn't want to be away from Draco but he would do whatever the other wanted to fix this.

"Try not to miss me too much," Draco said sarcastically.

Harry stared after him, unable to believe what had just happened. Snow had started to fall during their conversation but Harry was oblivious to it. Somehow, he just knew that Draco wasn't coming back and for some reason that caused a sinking feeling in his stomach.