Heat - Harry Styles

eighteen

Pls don't forget to comment and vote!! ALSO -- What are everyone's thoughts on As It Was??? The first tik tok sound had me skeptical, but I LOVE IT!

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My dinner was getting cold, but I didn't care. I didn't want to eat it anyways. I was tired of styrofoam takeout containers and poorly mixed cocktails. I was longing for the fun and excitement of being out with friends and talking shit with bartenders. Don't get me wrong, I loved spending time with Harry. I just wished we could be together in public.

I felt guilty for feeling this way. I knew it wasn't his fault but... it kind of was, wasn't it? Why couldn't he just have a normal job? I bit my cheek and fiddled with my fork before dropping it onto my plate. The metal rattled against the porcelain and sent an echo through the empty kitchen. With just the two of us in the room, the sound seemed to fill every corner.

"Everything okay, love?" Harry asked, his sweet voice pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah," I lied, reluctantly meeting his gaze. He raised his eyebrows at me, clearly not buying what I was selling. "I just want to go out," I admitted. "I'm tired of eating at home."

I felt bad for even saying it. I knew it would hurt his feelings, but I couldn't take it back now.

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, searching for a response as his eyes scanned the table in front of him. "I'm sorry Sloane," he sighed. "You can go out tonight if you want to. I'll be here when you get back. Why don't you call Charlotte? I'm sure she's up to something fun."

"No, Harry. I want to go out with you," I clarified.

"And you don't think I want to go out with you? Of course I do, Sloane," he leaned back and ran a hand through his curly hair.

I sat there quietly, ready to retreat. I could tell that I'd struck a nerve.

"Look," he sighed exasperatedly, "I don't know what you want me to do. I'm doing my best, okay?"

"I know," I affirmed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Fuck, Sloane," he mumbled as he pushed his plate away from him. "I don't know what to say. I don't want you to feel like you have to hold your tongue, but I also don't think it's fair for you to pretend this is all on me."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

"No Harry, I really don't," I shot back.

"You still won't tell your parents about us," He mumbled. "If we told them we were together then we'd have more freedom. We wouldn't have to worry so much about photos."

"Maybe not, but I shouldn't have to worry about being photographed with my boyfriend anyways! We should be able to grab a coffee together or go out on a date like a normal couple."

"I can't be normal, Sloane!" He raised his voice. "I gave up normal a long time ago, and you know that."

His eyes were dark, but not in the lustful way I was used to. This time his brows were furrowed and he refused to meet my continued gaze. I glanced down at his knuckles which were white with strain as he clutched onto the arm of his chair. This was the first time I'd seen Harry truly angry. I silently cursed myself for creating this fight out of thin air. If I'd just kept my mouth shut we'd still be enjoying dinner.

I wish I could be content with this – with this quiet night in and Harry's body pressed against mine as he cradled me to sleep. I just couldn't find it within myself to love the cage that I'd found myself in. I wanted to swing open the doors and fill my lungs with the sweet relief of fresh air. I wanted the world to know that Harry was mine and I was his. I wanted to go back to the sweet anonymity in which I met Harry. If I could erase the name 'Styles' from the history books forever, I would do it. And maybe he would too.

Maybe Harry didn't want to be Harry Styles anymore. But that didn't matter. He couldn't turn back time for me or for himself. We were stuck, saddled with a reputation and attention that neither of us wanted.

"I'm sorry," I repeated, stealing a glance at Harry. I was expecting to see him let out a long breath or slacken his jaw or to tell me that everything was going to be okay. He didn't. He sat there stoically, still refusing to look at me.

I didn't know what to do with this version of Harry. He'd never stonewalled me before and truthfully, it wasn't something I expected from him. In the past when we'd had arguments he'd been quick – eager even – to settle them. Now, he wasn't saying anything. Maybe he wanted some time to himself.

I stood up from the table and grabbed my plate, walking quickly to set it in the kitchen sink. "Uh," I stammered, "do you want me to leave?"

"Yeah, I think you should go," he said plainly.

His words caused my breath to catch in my throat. I expected him to fight for me, for us to talk things out. Really, I expected anything except him telling me to leave. I licked my lips and nodded before nervously tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

"Okay," I dropped my head as I headed to the door, "I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

I heard him grunt faintly as I turned the doorknob and headed out into the dark Charleston night. The humidity was an unwelcome greeting. The stickiness and mosquitos felt like a punishment I must endure for the entirety of the fifteen minute walk home. I should have kept my mouth shut.

I had made it about halfway down the block when I heard the rattle of Harry's front door and his raspy voice call out my name. When I turned around I saw Harry standing on his front stoop, keys in hand. His face was illuminated in the flickering lantern light. It had softened a bit, but still held it's unfamiliar sharp edge.

"Get in," he demanded gently as he opened his car door "you know I can't let you walk home alone at night."

I nodded and scurried back up the block without a word.

.

.

"Have you ever seen him like that before?" Louisa questioned. We were curled up on the foot of my bed talking about my failed evening with Harry. Sometimes Lou could be annoying, but in this moment I was thankful that I could vent to my younger sister.

"No Lou, it was so weird," I sighed. "I've never even seen him mildly angry and tonight he just totally shut down."

"I can imagine that the publicity is a sore subject for him though. Like he's been dealing with the spotlight for so long he must really hate that he can't change the situation," she reasoned. "Especially since he knows it makes you so unhappy."

"Yeah," I nodded, cursing myself once again for not keeping my thoughts to myself. We could have had a perfectly wonderful night. "I just feel bad because it's my fault too. I shouldn't have put everything on him like that."

Louisa nodded, her eyes silently urging me to continue my thought.

"I'm the one who doesn't want the world to know because I haven't found the words to tell Mom and Dad about Harry. How pathetic is that?" I asked bitterly. "I'm almost twenty two and I still let my parents run my life."

"I think it's time that you tell them."

I sighed and shook my head, turning my attention to my hands. I couldn't lose Harry over the opinion of my parents. I couldn't let other people get in the way rof my life any longer. It was time.

"I'm going to tell them."