Alone

My thoughts. The pain and agony of never getting to be alone in my head. "Tick, tick, tick" That damn clock has always made me feel like I'm losing my mind. I need to get my things together. School would start soon and my friend was to pick me up. My bed was so warm and I hated having to move the sheets off me. My mind is so full of thoughts I've already got a headache. I move towards the little bottle of Tylenol on my dresser. I only get 4 every 3 days though. My mother has me on "suicide watch" at this point. It's terrible but I'm starting to feel decent. Choking down the pills with the stale water from my nightstand, I eventually move to get dressed. Pulling out my bins full of different items. "Bra, panties, jeans and shirt" reminding myself in order as I pull out everything. Clothes and phone in hand, I walk into the hallway for a washcloth and then into the bathroom. I keep my phone on DND all day and night. I prefer to not be bothered during the day yet it can be problematic. I check all my notifications. "10 messages on snap, 15 texts from bestie on imessage and just scattered notifications." I go through snap first though, i open all the snaps and send my streaks. It was such a mundane task that I almost forgot the water was becoming hot. I set aside my phone and clean myself up before getting dressed. Turning the water to cold, I begin washing my teeth. As I began to brush, I picked up my phone again. I opened imessage, i let my bestie know that I would be ready before she got here. She took longer than I did to get ready but I'm not worried about it all. I spit the toothpaste out and rinsed my mouth, grabbing my night clothes, and I moved back to my room. I finally sat on my bed as I went through the notifications again. Reading through everything and seeing nothing of interest. I turn my phone onto the "School" focus status. I grab something to eat as I sit outside waiting for my friend. I sat on the steps of the house as I listened to a horror podcast on Spotify. I'm so engrossed in my phone I don't even notice my friend pulling up until she honks. Scared the life out of me but I ran to her car to go to school. The day has just barely started and I'm already exhausted.

Pulling into the school lot and waiting for her to park felt like it would never end. She pulled her car in and it jerked when she hit the breaks. My bag had fallen to the floor but it didn't bother me. We hopped out of the car and walked to our classes agreeing to see one another at lunch. I put a smile on and went to talk to my other friends. I saw them and joined them in conversation. We laughed and walked to our classes. My friends asked if I had slept and I always told them yes. My eyebags were so large but I really was sleeping, just all day. I walk into math and sat down. Nobody willingly learns algebra at 8 am. I sat and pulled out my notebook with my black pen. I always loved this pen, the ink was so smooth and it wrote so well. I sat there for an hour and a half. I don't see why our first class needs to be 90 minutes long. Yet I get it over with and walk to my second class. I never considered myself interesting but this one person in class always tries to talk to me. I take them up on the offer sometimes but I don't see why. They're so kind to me and always compliment me. They're kind and they always make it feel okay but I don't know anymore. Their hair is somewhat long and they have pretty glasses. Their smiles are warming and comforting. Our teacher walked into class and began to teach. He announced that we were to partner up with someone and complete a 3 week long project. I felt my heart rate speed up and I was terrified. All through my panic, I felt someone touch my hand. I looked up and it was the person who always talked to me. I felt so calm but still so tired. They asked if we could partner up and I agreed, taking away the fear I felt. He spent the rest of the class going over things we needed to know and we took our notes. At the end of class he asked us to talk amongst ourselves and partners to plan the three week period. I turned to them and they immediately began to talk. He asked if we could meet up after school and figure out what our plans would be. I told them I'd have to ask my mom about it. I gave them my number and they texted immediately. I felt a weird twinge in my heart, I don't know what it was but it felt so foreign. Class ended and they told me goodbye and that they would text me after school and I honestly felt excited. They walked me to my next class and they did most of the talking, I didn't mind honestly. The day went by so slow before the bell for lunch rang. I sat in our usual spot and waited for my friend. She came over and plopped down next to me before she started to talk. After a few minutes she asked me a few questions. I tried to answer to the best of my ability but I was so indescribably tired. She began to eat lunch while I laid on her lap and fell asleep. After about half an hour she woke me up and gave me some snacks before we left for the rest of our classes. I loved my best friend, she knew how bad I struggled with everything but she always made sure i ate each day. The bell rang and we walked back to class as she reminded me where to meet her for the end of the day. As I finished my last two classes she was in her car waiting for me. I climbed into her passenger seat and buckled my seatbelt. I laid back in her seat and noticed how concerned my friend looked at me. I turned my head towards her and asked if something was wrong. I don't get why she said "no" so hesitantly but I brushed it off. I close my eyes and she asks if we want to drive around before heading home. I said sure and leaned forward, opening my eyes. I shoved my bag into the backseat with hers and we pulled off. She turned up the music and we drove with our windows down. It felt good to have the air blowing against my face. As she pulled onto a backroad she turned down the music and began to question me. She wanted to know how I was doing mentally and I should've known it was a trap. She questioned me and would not let anything go. I eventually broke and told her the truth. After twenty long minutes and a full waterworks show, she pulled over and just hugged me. It felt nice having someone hold me so lovingly but this wasn't how i imagined it. We sat like that for a few minutes until I pulled myself together. She let me go and cut the car back on. She did a U-turn and brought me back to her house. She offered to study and talk with me in her room. I agreed. She turned the music back up and we drove in a sweet and soothing silence. I pulled out my phone not realizing someone had texted me. I quickly began to read their messages and my friend got curious. She asked who I had been texting so urgently and teased me. She always knew how to embarrass me so I saw no point in trying to hide it. I explained who it was and she was so shocked. She knew I could always up my standards on friends and she was proud of me. She pulled into the neighborhood and into her driveway, and we hopped out. I walked behind her and went in. I spoke to her mother and followed her to her room. I sat on her bed and waited for her to come back. Sitting on the floor, we began to work on our work. I kept getting distracted by my phone so I turned on my DND again and went back to work. We finished in a couple of hours and I decided to lay and stare at her ceiling until she was ready to take me home. Once she was ready, I grabbed my bag and went back in the car. She drove me home and I hugged her goodbye. I walked inside the house and immediately to my room. Alone and alone once again. Although I can always see my friends, I feel as though it's too quiet and lonely. Back to bed though, I laid there and listened to my podcasts. Alone with my thoughts once more.      

To be continued.