The obsession

Chapter 1 Logan

Ms. Taylor gave me a smile, the kind Id secretly dubbed the soothing guidance counselor smile. She wore it the way she wore her soft cardigan, a conscious choice made to put "problem students" like myself at ease.
"How was ur summer,Logan?" "Fine." My summer had been spent in a haze of Netflix and scrolling through pictures of Sophie until inky night gave way to watery sunlight and my brain felt like it was about to dribble out of my ears. "It was great, actually. I got lots of rest." My voice came out thick and slow. Maybe because I hadn't been sleeping well and always felt like I was groping my way through a fog. Maybe because I had a permanent lump in my throat.

"That's wonderfully hear, Logan."
Why did she always have to say my name at the end of every sentence?
"Are you feeling prepared for the new semester, logan?" "Yeah," I said. "I'm ready to join the team again." Ms. Taylor's smile lost some wattage. "Let's come back to lacrosse later, after our chat." I tried to find the familiar anger, the old gunpowder barrel of energy that would wrench me out of this murk and make me feel something. It was there, I knew it was. I could feel it lurking at the edges, reaching out for me. But I was so tired.
Honestly, I wasn't even sure if I cared about getting back on the team. But Dad said said what I really needed was to get back to sports. Get a good sweat going, thrash it out on the field, like if I could only run hard enough, I'd be able to outrun Sophie's ghost.
"When we talked last spring, you were going through a really challenging time."
I winced at the memory of last session with Ms. Taylor. I'd been consumed by rage then. I'd called her a bitch and then something worse, and she'd sat there silently, looking very disappointed.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled
Ms. Taylor smiled. "Thank you, Logan. I appreciate that.
How are you feeling about being back at Draycott?"
Like I was thrust into a graveyard. Ghosts everywhere. But

I had to move on. Sophie would've wanted me to move on. "I'm fine, really. I was just kind of derailed by my classmate's death. Made me question my own mortality or whatever."
How ridiculous to refer to the love of my life as my classmate, like we were strangers who passed each other in the hall.
Ms. Taylor gave me a sympathetic grimace. "I understand."
No, you fucking don't. No one knew Sophie like I did. No one had any idea how her death had completely devastated my life. We never dated, no officially, but our love was the real deal. Nobody understood, though. "She's leading you on," they told me, but they didn't know what Sophie was like when it was just us.
I turned out the next few minutes as Ms. Taylor rambled on about how she expected great and wonderful things from me and how she'd have a chat with Coach about letting me back on the team and how I would totally would be allowed back as long as I pulled my grades up and didn't mouth off to teachers again and behaved like a good little boy.
"You'll be fine, Logan. I believe in you. You're a good kid," she said, getting up "You're going to do great things this semester, I know it."
Her words stayed with me as I walked back to my dorm room. Do great things. It felt more like a threat than anything.
Do great things, or get suspended again, maybe even expelled.
Do great things or get rejected by every college and be a loser for the res of your life.

I checked my phone. I had close to an hour before the assembly. The early morning sun was painting everything a golden hue. The lush, rolling fields, the ivy wrapped around Draycott Academy's sandstone buildings-everything shone with warmth. Another slow wave of resentment. Before Sophie died, I would've stood still and taken it all in. I would've asked her to walk with me to the rose garden to admire the dewy flowers before telling her she was more beautiful than any rose. Now, beauty was wasted on me.
I Trudged back to my roommate and got ready for class. But by the time I put on my navy-blue blazer, gathered all my books, and messed up my hair in just the right way, I was exhausted. I walked up the stairs to the common room, where Josh was Finishing up his coffee. He waved at me and smiled. Was his smile just the slighted bit strained? I tried my best to smile back like I meant it.
"Hey, man! How was your summer?" He asked, giving me a one-armed hug.
"It was okay. How was yours?" Josh stated yapping about how his folks had taken him about and his sister to Bordeaux for the summer. Somehow, I managed to follow him out of the dorm.
Summer was still clinging to the air with sticky stubbornness, never mind the fact that it was already September and Draycott Academy was surrounded by lush, green Northern Californian hills. All around us were excited cries like, "Omigod, did you hook up over the break?" and "Did you see Jenna's new boobs?" Groups of too-cool-to-care seniors and terrified freshman chattered and shriek-giggled, and I was so done with my schoolmates. It wasn't even nine o'clock yet, but my shirt was already sticking to my back with sweat.
I struggled to pay attention to Josh's incessant chatter. I wasn't imagining it; there was definitely a strained quality to his cheerfulness, like he was determined to talk to me the way he used to be able to.
What was he even going on about? Something about hooking up with a French girl over the summer. Try harder! I'd lost so many friends over the past year. I couldn't afford to love Josh, too.
"Sounds hot," I said. That was the most I could come up with.
Josh laughed like I'd just said something exceptional.
"Yeah, man! It was totally hot!" He gave me his usual not-a-care-in-the-world grin, but i didn't miss the flash of concern in his eyes. I wan't sure if he was worried another me or about his own social status.
Someone shouted as we made our way across the quad, catching my attention. A handful of sophomores were playing with a frisbee in the commons. They leapt and ran like gleeful Labradors. I watched the, and wondered what it was like to be so invested in a game. I used to be into this stuff too, but for the life of me, now I couldn't remember what that felt like. Distracted, I started when I bumped into someone.
No, not someone. Her
My phone slipped out of her hand, and the screen lit up when it bounced on the ground .
9:01 a.m.
I'd remember those exact numbers for the res of my life-the exact time, down to minute, when the universe lifted it slow, giant hand, reached straight through my skull and into the center of my brain, and said "You've gone through enough, Logan. Her she is. I am delivering her to you personally. She's all yours."
I wanted to grab her, feel her warm flesh beneath my fingers, and check if she was real. Her face was eerily similar to Sophie's, and they swam in my mid and overlapped.
"I'm so sorry!" She exclaimed, and her eyes met mine for a split second. She crouched down and picked up my phone. "I hope I didn't break it." Her voice was sincere and shy, and she was biting her lower lip slightly, sincere and shy, and she was genuinely worried, and god, I wanted to tell her it was okay. Everything was okay because she was here, and I bet she tasted like strawberries at the height of summer.
I searched my mind for something memorable to say, something to put a smile on those lips of hers.
"You did."
Oh god, why did I say that? It was true that there was a giant crack on my phone, but really, who gives a shit?
Panic crossed her face. "I'm so sorry! I'll, I'm, I'll pay you back-um, but it might have to be in installments-"
Were those tears coming in her eyes? Holy crap. "It's fine,l I said. I meant for it to be reassuring, but it came out gruff. I might as well be hobbling, waving my cane, and yelling at kids to get off my lawn.
Josh must have sensed the disaster (finally!), because he laughed and said, "Don't worry about it. Logan here can afford, like, a million of these things."
I wanted to throttle him. I at least had the excuse of the Sophie fog. Josh was just a massive idiot. He probably thought he was making the situation better, like telling girls my family was loaded would help me get laid .
The girl's forehead turned red, and her entire face shut down.
Fuckingjoshfuckingguidancecounslerfucking-
"I'm so, so sorry, I-" Her voice cracked a little. I couldn't bear to see her perfect face so tortured . I mumbled something about it being okay and walked away. I didn't look in back, even though her presence, her aura, everything about her, burned a hole on my back. And I was life alone with Josh. Josh, who couldn't possibly grasp what just happened, how the skies had parted so the universe could bring down this gift to me. And how I'd royally messed it all up.
I fed Josh some bullshit about how i wasn't feeling well, though in fact I was feeling like I'd come back to life. Mortified, yes, but mortification was better than being a zombie. I bounded after her. Hungry, famished really, to catch more of her. She disappeared into Wheeler Hall, where the science classes were located, and when I pushed through the double doors, I was greeted by a sea of students, all tanned skin and nearly died hair.
I'd lost her.
I spent the next period hiding on one of the restrooms at Wheeler so no one would notice I was cutting class. It wasn't like I could explain why I had to do this. No one would understand. They'd judge me again. Just like Mom did, when she found all those pictures and videos of Sophie. Not that it mattered; this was all in the past. It was as though everything that happened with Sophie was to prepare me for this girl. I closed my eyes and thought of her.
Though guys like Josh wouldn't find her hot, i noticed her subtle beauty. She looked half-Asian, half white. Sophie was of a Japanese descent. At first glance, the girl could have been Sophie's sister. There were differences, though. Sophie was all about the makeup-her lips always colored and glossed, her skin smooth and airbrushed, her eyes lined so her gaze was piercing and impossible to ignore. I never once saw Sophie without makeup, even toward the end, when everyone said she was losing it. Even then, she still caked the stuff on.
This girl looked like Sophie unmasked. Fresh, naked.
Maybe just a touch of balm int nose heart-shaped lips. What would it be like to kiss her? To taste her?
I willed myself from thoughts of the mystery girl's lips to the rest of her. The way she moved, the way she hunched her shoulders ever so slightly, the way she turned her head and cast her eyes downward, not quite at her feet. The flash of alarm that had sparkled through her eyes when I dropped my phone. She was shy. That was much obvious. I couldn't even mess this up. I'd lost so much already.
I came out of my hiding place and stationed myself on the landing between the first and second floor. A short whorl later, the bell clanged and kids, flooded the hallways, blocking my view. I wanted to scream at them to stop chattering, stop fucking moving-
And there she was, walking next to Aisha Johnson. So, a senior then, like me. I couldn't not move toward her. She was so magnetic, how could all these idiots not notice her? I had to remind myself to keep some distance between us.
"-not so hard once you get used to-" Aisha was saying.
Someone jostled me, and I missed the next few words. I wanted to strangle everybody around us. Luckily, once we were outside, I could make out more of what they were saying. "-volleyball tryouts later-" the girl said, and her voice was like a finger flicking a light switch in my head, making everything suddenly, stunningly bright.
"ah, I'm so excited!" Aisha said "I'm so glad you're here Dee!"
I expected "Dee" to smile and tell Aisha how glad she was to be here too, but instead an awkward silence followed.
"Um sorry. I didn't mean like-um. Obviously I'm not glad about what brought you here..." Aisha's voice trailed off, and she fidgeted with her hands,
"No it's fine. I know what you mean. I missed you so much when you started boarding here. And yes , I know we kept in touch, but it's just not the same."n
" definitely not the same." Aisha grinned at her. "Do you need a tour of the place?"
"No I pretty much know where everything is."
"Oh yeah, I forgot you started working here over the summer instead of hanging out with me."
Dee laughed
"Oh man, I can't believe we're going to the same school again, After all this time. Delilah and Aisha, united again!"
Delilah
I said it silently. Letting my tongue cares each syllable, tasting it.
Delilah
The name of my destiny.
I followed her until she disappeared into the next class, and then I stood there for a while, smiling my first real smile In a long time.

Do great things.
Ms. Taylor had no idea how great this semester was going to be.