Unfortunate Encounter Under The Moon

Thoughts

Milani's pov~

   
     All my life I've been told to wait... why, what if I wait until everyone is tired of waiting on me. What if when I'm ready everyone has already move on and I'm all alone... what if I should just stay alone.

Would I be able to reach my goal? Why can't I be normal.. instead of being stuck with all these expectations and ideals.

I know what I want and I should do but I can't catch a break. I shouldn't have to pretend  and go through this mental trauma.

Pushing everything at the farthest oblivion of my mind... until I just start to forget even without trying to... and just becoming numb to it all.

It hurts, my heart...like hell

He had to come and reopen wounds I tried so hard to patch up. And I was actually successful too until...

Ofcourse he had to meet in a car accident too. Just like my dad. Only he didn't die like my dad did.

Tears stream down my face and the lump in my throat refuse to go away as my mind continues to wonder.

I act like I don't care but it hurts sooo much.
The lost of my father and now my ex's  ravished, blood-stained body that was just taken away on a stretcher in the ambulance just hours ago, is a plus one for nightmares I won't escape.

These events leave me questioning myself... blaming myself...second thinking myself. What if I had given it to him, he wouldn't have gotten hurt. He's a prick but I didn't want to see him hurt much less run over. What terrifies me the most though is the gun I saw in his bloody hands. Was he going to shoot me? I did hurt his pride but would he go that far?

No way. I'm just a paranoid girl who don't even know who she is. One who yearns for a future so out of her reach. Trying so desperately to do something...anything.

Trying so hard to distract herself and to keep distracting herself so she don't have to think about her problems... until she eventually forgets them.

I do everything to distract myself, to escape from my dreary reality. Sometime my actions ending up hurting others.

I don't know what to do anymore...

I feel stupid.

I feel tired.

I feel sad.

I feel alone.

I feel overwhelmed.

I feel scared.

I feel lost.

I feel vulnerable.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  But I know it's not something I can just cure... I know it's coming from the roots... and I know it will be hard to get over, if I ever do... I just hope that in the end...
I don't end up alone. It's one thing to be by myself or single but being alone with no one to trust or confided in is another. Imagine being surrounded by so much people but still feeling empty and alone. A popular loner they call it.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEEEP.

My alarm goes off. Sigh.

My wondering thoughts wouldn't make me sleep. Who would be able to sleep after a night like that anyway. Should've taken my sleeping pills.

I look to my right on my bedside table to read the time, 6:00 am. Sighing I muttered 'great' before rolling out of bed and doing some stretches. 

Why am I getting up so early you may ask, well I have practice this morning and aftershool since the spring tournament is just mere days away.