Very sad.
Content warnings: implications/mentions of suicide, mentions of body image problems, generally quite sad.
I sat on the corner of the bed in my small, almost empty dorm, and wondered where it had all gone wrong. I had always been a disappointment to my mother. Fixing my posture, I stared into the mirror, I saw my wiry, coffee-brown hair with a centre part and matching eyes. My tanned skin, peppered with freckles, made me think of my mother. I hated that about myself. A uniform, black blazer, redlining, with a name tag attached. It read my name 'Alistair Coltraine' backwards alongside the logo of Sage Boarding School. And my blank expression, staring back at me.
My mother had sent me here, she refused to listen to me. You see, my family has always struggled with financial issues, so my mother scraped together what she could find, and shipped me off to a somewhat prestigious boarding school. The room was a bland, small, dormitory shared between me and one other boy. His name was Salem Redford and he was beautiful, and I was going to spite my mother. I convinced him to fall in love with me. She would hate it. All I had to do was not get attached. But I failed.
-
Salem burst through the door and threw himself into my arms. I could feel him sobbing against my chest. I lay my chin on the soft curls of his head and held him close.
"I'm sorry" his voice was muffled and broken.
"What?" I placed two fingers under his jawline and tilted his head to face mine.
"I'M SORRY!" he sharply inhaled, then whispered in my ear and continued, "I think I love you Alistair and I'm sorry"
I held him close as we both shook. "It's ok. I- I think I love you too"
I pressed my chapped lips to his. it was not sweet; it was not bliss. I felt my hands tremble in their place as I put them gently on his waist. I was unsure as to whether to pull him closer or push him away until I felt his long, skinny fingers trace my jawline. He leaned his body closer to mine as I fixed my grip. Salem kissed back. I dare not move or I might lose the moment. Salem's fingers ran through the bottom of my hair as I pulled away. We knew this was forbidden. That's why it wouldn't last.
A small, brown, battered leather book. That's what held all my secrets. It was a key to my mind, and if anyone were to ever find that book, it was the end of me. I'm not a bad person, I promise. I pray to God Salem never finds the book. It would ruin everything. I really do love him, I tried so hard not to fall. But I fell, and I fell hard. His silky locks frame his face perfectly, I wondered what I had done to deserve him.
-
Days passed and I stood in front of the mirror in our shared dorm. Salem's arms had worked their way round to the front of my stomach, hugging me from behind. He knew I had body issues, but they were getting worse. Some days, I would question our love and he would pull me close, whispering words of love in my ears. At times these weren't enough. This was one of those times. I stared absentmindedly at my reflection, hating myself. Salem placed his head in the crook of my neck as I rested my head atop his.
He giggled slightly, his voice sending vibrations along my neck, "I love you y'know"
Forcing back a smile, I replied "I love you too"
I removed my head from his and looked at his face. He didn't notice as I was staring. I wondered what would happen if he ever found the book. Would I drop to my knees, begging for forgiveness? Would I say anything? I figured that in the meantime, nobody needs to know, including Salem. I couldn't afford to break him; it would only break me further.
-
I rummaged through my packed items, thrown hastily in my suitcase. The book was gone. This cannot be happening, not now. I had one job, to not get attached, and I failed. I loved him, Salem Redford found me, broken and bruised and he fixed me. But he found out, and I ruined everything. I remember it clearly. He placed the battered book on my desk. "Alistair, is it true" his eyes were red, his face was emotionless, he'd been crying for a while. My mouth moved yet no words were formed. I couldn't bear to see him hurt, what's worse is that it was my fault. He slammed his fist on the table.
"IS IT TRUE?"
I closed my eyes, wishing to disappear.
"Yes"
My voice broke and he crumbled to the floor. I knew better than to rush to his side yet I still moved to his broken figure. I placed my hand softly on his left shoulder. He flinched under my touch, pushing me away.
Salem looked at me once more. "why"
I had no answer, I merely closed my eyes and held him close. Nothing would be the same.
-
A week went by, I hadn't heard from Salem once. I was scared, I hadn't seen him either, my legs carried me to where he should be. An ancient Oak tree with roots spiralling through the floor. I was worried, he wasn't sitting here, a hardcover book – probably about Greek Philosophy – open in his lap, occasionally looking up to check his surroundings. Panic took over, there was nowhere else he could be. How could he leave me here in this nightmare? Salem was always here to hold me; he would hold me tight as I cried into his arms. Now I had nobody. Nobody is here with me. I might as well have been dying.
Well diary, that's all I ever remembered about Salem Redford. I found out what happened though. I remember being told that he was dead. I cried for what seemed like forever. I truly did love him.
-Alistair Coltraine
November 26th, 1978
Word count: 1022
Long live and prosper! Have an excellent day.
- Alex
