(I didn't expect anyone to actually read let alone like this story but I'm happy people like it anyway tw suicide and shit talking yourself (idk how else to word it, but you are beautiful take what I have written as a grain of salt) and stuff. sorry for spelling mistakes and shit like that)
To my surprise Dwayne hadn't asked about what was in my pocket, after dinner he didn't really say (write) anything, him and I just sat in his room, a comforting silence between us. He eventually started getting changed so I took it as my opportunity to go to the bathroom so I could do the same, I mostly just wanted a cigarette, i grabbed some pants from my bag and went into his draw to borrow a shirt, this was normal for when I would stay with Dwayne and he allowed it happily, he turned to me as i closed the draw and gave a small smile which I returned walking to the door stoping and decided I was going to take a shower
"Dwayne I'm going to hop in the shower I'll be like 20 minutes"
I spoke softly but loud enough for him to hear, I turned to face him to see him laying in his bed with a book in hand, he just nodded and began to read.
I made my way to the bathroom locking the door, 'finally' I thought to myself turning on the water only on cold, I fished the packet of cigarettes out of my pocket opening it to reveal 21 cigarettes and my lighter, before lighting it I switched the air vent on so the smoke would get pulled through there. Lighting the cigarette I could already feel the relief, I closed the lid of the toilet and sat there smoking like my life depended on it. I could feel myself drifting into thought staring blankly at the door.
There was a loud bang on the door
"who is in there?"
It was Sheryl, I was extremely startled
"uh ray"
"oh alright sweetheart what are you doing?"
I was taken aback a little couldn't she hear the shower? Was the vent not working?
"um I'm showering I'll be out in a minute, sorry I didn't tell you before I came in hear"
"that's alright take as long as you need to"
I could hear her foot steps getting further way, I almost immediately was hit with guilt, I was smoking in her bathroom and hiding it from her even going as far as to lie to her about what I was doing, I took one last drag standing up and putting the cigarette down the drain. I stared at myself in the mirror. I examined my features, my dark eye-bags, tired eyes and life less face. I looked like death, why had I let myself look this way? I constantly tried to drag my eyes away from myself but I was truly upset and disgusted in myself, I look horrible, disgusting, fucking putrid and still I felt nothing I couldn't feel anything about myself I just wanted myself to be gone, there was no nice way to put this I am a fucking disappointment. I just kept staring blankly at myself, I normally tried to steer clear of mirror because of what was happening right now, it was almost like I am angry but I'm not.
It took some time before I could pull myself to the actual shower, changing the temperature so it was hot and letting the water hit my bare skin, it burned but I enjoyed the pain it was almost soothing. I didn't stay in there long I had spent to much time staring at myself. I got out and quickly got dressed putting the cigarette packet into my pocket again.
I opened the door to Dwaynes room walking to my bag and putting the cigarettes in there, Dwayne was to busy reading to care what I was doing.
I laid on the floor earning a confused look from Dwayne, i normal slept in his bed with him but I thought I would try the floor tonight, i guess not, I stood up and Dwayne moved over so there was space for me then he went back to reading as I stared at the ceiling.
A few minutes went by before Frank came in
"goodnight Dwayne"
He paused for a moment looking at Dwaynes bed
"and ray"
I didn't say anything I just continued to stare at the ceiling, Dwayne put down his book and reached over me to get his notebook I watched as he began to write something.
"Please don't kill yourself tonight"
Is what it read, he turned the notebook to frank, I knew it was directed to Frank but I couldn't help but feel a little guilty.
"not on your watch, I wouldn't do that to you."
Dwayne flipped the page a began to write again
"Welcome to hell"
He turned the paper to frank again and frank gave a loud sigh
"Thank you Dwayne, coming from you that means a lot"
he said as he laid down, I closed my eyes hoping I would fall asleep soon, Dwayne turned of the light and after I'm guessing was 40 minutes I still wasn't asleep, I sat up from Dwaynes bed reaching for my bag taking out the a cigarette and my lighter and headed for the front door, I sat on their porch lighting the cigarette looking up at the sky, it was so lovely at night the cool breeze hitting my face, before I knew it the cigarette was almost at the filter taking one final drag I threw it in their bin hoping no one would see it there, I walked back through the house into the bathroom again taking my toothbrush from the cabinet and began to brush my teeth. After about 2 minutes I spat into the sink and washed the toothbrush, switching off the light and heading back to Dwaynes from, i quietly opened the door laying back down next to Dwayne, thankfully he was asleep still, I closed my eyes and found sleep sooner than expected.
