My Exes | Jiang Cheng

Nie Mingjue

For now at least, there truly aren’t many things that I regret in my life, but there are two that are a ginormous eyesore for me to this day.  

Before I hit my thirties, I had two significantly important relationships. Both lasted for more than four years and left me with deep emotional scars and a lot of thoughts swirling in my head.

NIE MINGJUE

When I was eighteen I met my best friend’s older brother for the first time in many years. Mingjue has just returned from his schooling abroad, and decided to enter university in China. Huaisang was very enthusiastic about it, as he loved his brother dearly, and missed him while he was away.

I saw him briefly a couple of times, but we never actually spoke much to each other. After he came back I saw him when I was hanging out with Huaisang in his apartment. He became even more handsome with time, much more handsome than I remembered. He was tall and muscular. Always polite and neat, everyone saw him as a  true role model. My parents too, that’s why he became my math tutor, because he also excelled in his academic accomplishments.

I was young, inexperienced, a true relationship virgin. I knew only what I read or watched. Things between us progressed slowly as we talked, we found common interests and hobbies. Both of us liked to run in the morning so we decided to do it together, it was way more pleasant to have company than to do it alone, and battle with thoughts. Unless that’s the reason you go for a run of course.

After a month of tutoring, he kissed me for the first time at Huaisang's birthday party. He also popped my cherry that day in his room, while everyone partied in the living room and at the pool.

My coming out happened a year after that. He was explaining to me how to solve one of the tasks in the book, with my face pressed against it as Mingjue fucked me from behind. I could swear at that moment that I had closed the door, but oh Lord was I wrong. My father just knocked lightly at the door, and without waiting for an answer, he entered the room and saw me and Mingjue half naked from the waist down. He was speechless, and as he proceeded to leave the room, he looked very pale. For a second, I was afraid that we broke him.

Of course, after that everyone found out about us. Well, to be honest there weren’t any ‘us’ at that moment, as none of us defined what we were to each other. I started having feelings for him after about half a year of us being fuck buddies, but I had completely no idea how he felt about us. Fortunately, my thoughts stopped running a hundred miles per hour when he said that we were a couple when my mother asked us about it.

We were together for four more years after that. In the meantime, we both started living together, got our degrees, and started working in our family’s companies. Though, there was a huge difference between us.

Mingjue started working in his father’s company two years before me, so one would think that by the time I started working he would have everything sorted out, especially with the fact that he had the same position and obligations all the time. But unfortunately, that wasn’t the case at all. When my schedule got somewhat stabilized and organized in order for me to go home more or less on time, he spent days working overtime, coming home when I was already asleep and  leaving before I woke up.

I tried to deal with it while I was still at university, because I thought those are just the realia of having a job, as I had a bit more free time as a student, than he had as a full time employee. We thought of solutions for that, and that's the main reason for my moving in with him. But it changed absolutely nothing, aside from the fact that  we slept next to each other more often.

On the day of our fourth anniversary, when he forgot about it and slept in his office, I came to the sad realization that I am in a relationship with a totally self-centered workaholic. I understood that I had to stop waiting for my loving and caring Mingjue to come back to me, because that would never happen. He was never there to begin with, it was just my imagination. Maybe I just mistook passion for something more, and maybe for him It was a relationship of convenience? I don’t know, but I also never asked. I think I was too scared of the answer he might have given me.

As I said before, I was young and inexperienced. I also had no example of how a true love should look like. My parents’ marriage was a contractual union that was supposed to bring gain to both of their families, the same goes for my older sister’s marriage. A big, lavish wedding and a child within the first year. It's all for show, to create a picture of a great family.

I have also been told not to believe in what I see in romantic movies, that it’s all unnecessarily sweet to appease the viewer, and real life looks nothing like that. I agree in a sense, but not completely. Being in love is, in part, being able to find comfort in your lover's arms and feeling safe in them. I had that in those short moments of attention that Mingjue gave me, and now, from the perspective of passing time, I am certain that it is what kept me by his side for so long. He gave me the illusion of being safe and loved, something that even my family never gave me. I was emotionally starved for affection.

I broke it off with him the day after our anniversary. I skipped work that day and prepared for the move. I packed up all my belongings and had them shipped to the company apartment, which stood empty at that moment.

Mingjue never called me to at least say sorry for forgetting the fact that we were together for four years, well, at least officially since we started fucking five years ago. Even Huaisang called to ask how our evening went. I said to myself, "Screw it" and told him everything, including the fact that I had already moved all my stuff, and that I was just simply waiting for his brother to kindly come home, because I wanted it all to be finally over.

I could sense some sadness in his voice, but also understanding. He confessed that he kind of saw it coming for some time now, but lived with the hope that we would be able to resolve our problems. We never stopped being best friends after I broke up with Mingjue. What was the saying? Bros before hoes?

Anyway, Mingjue did not, in fact, come back home that day. He sent me a short message saying that he had a lot of work and wouldn't be able to make it home till the next evening. I did not reply to that, and simply took the rest of my stuff, packed it into my car, and drove to his office. I was not going to wait one damn day longer.

There were only guards in the building, and they had no problem letting me through as they knew who I was. I entered the elevator and went to the top floor, because that's where his office was located. I arrived at his door after no more than two minutes, but there was no need for me to enter. The door was slightly open, so I was able to see what was taking place inside. See and hear those loud moans of his personal assistant, as Nie Mingjue was fucking him mercilessly on his desk.

Even though I was there to break up with him, it still hurt me. I realized that we weren't good for each other anymore and decided to be honest and break up with him, while he cheated on me for God knows how long.

Before I cried myself to sleep that night, I texted him a simple 'You can fuck him in your bed from now on. The apartment is all yours. ' I changed my number the next day, but it's not like I was able to avoid him my whole life. I was happy enough with the fact that whenever we did happen to run into each other, he never uttered a single word in my direction. Although it was sad that he never said, "I am sorry for cheating on you.". But then again, I never asked. I was still afraid of the answer, afraid of learning that I simply wasn't good enough.