Queue Avenue

What Do You Do With (Less Than Half of a) B.A. In Law/It Sucks To Be Me

Dan could check off almost sixteen whole streets worth of apartments he couldn't afford. Sixteen whole streets; that was how bad off he was. He'd started on the A list- the apartments he'd dreamt of when he was a kid, not really all too crushed when he found out that even breathing in one was probably more than he could afford. After all, you couldn't expect much when you were a college dropout in between jobs. So he'd worked down, going cheaper, and cheaper, and considering roommate after roommate after roommate. Nothing worked; his last arrangement had gone downhill fast when the guy decided to move in with his girlfriend. He'd been nice, really, and willing to let go that Dan was a little inconsistent in his share of the chores, and a few dollars short come rent day every once in while. Now he was on the prowl again, bumming nights on couches where he could, and searching day and night for a new arrangement.

That was what brought him to Queue Avenue. The bizarre name had been what had initially caught his eye, and the listings had been almost a godsend; the word "cheap" was all over- "cheap rent", "cheap food nearby", "cheap utilities", "cheap Internet", everything Dan needed or could possibly want. There wasn't much else to say about it, really, even if Dan was just skimming the listings. (It was three am at the time, after all, and he'd been looking all day.)

When he arrived, though, he couldn't help but agree- the building on the corner of Queue Avenue (the only apartment building; it had to be that one) looked cheap. It wasn't exactly falling apart, but some paint wouldn't go amiss. A lot of paint wouldn't go amiss.

The paint, though, was the least of his concerns when he walked up. He rounded the corner, ready to pull open the door and talk to the superintendent to weigh his options, when he caught the snippets of a conversation. "I mean, I always thought I'd be something by this age, Duncan." Two black haired guys were sitting on the front stoop of the building, the one that had spoken resting his chin in his hands and sighing. "I mean, look at me! Twenty eight, dateless, owner of a company that's probably not going to get off the ground any time soon, and roommate-less - again!"

The other- Duncan- patted his back consolingly. "Cheer up, Phil. I mean, when I was this old, I thought I'd be a huge comedian traveling the world, and-" he shrugged. "I'm obviously not. I'm happy though; even if my life isn't how I'd thought it would be, I found Mimei, I got married. It all works out."

Phil sighed, smiling a bit. It looked a bit more natural on his face than the frown did, like he wasn't used to making the latter expression. "You're right," he said. "I just wish it'd work out faster, you know?"

"Uh, pardon me." Dan decided on that moment to speak up, making both of the men jump. "This is Avenue Queue, isn't it?

"Sure is." Duncan chirped, both he and Phil standing up and smiling. "What brings op you all the way out here?"

"Well, uh, I've been looking for apartments." Dan explained. "Everything else I've looked at has been out of my price range- this place looks more fitting, though." He tried to return the smile, but it came out something closer to an awkward grimace, probably. Phil, though, beamed like he'd just been handed a million puppies and the answer to all life's questions.

"That's perfect!" he exclaimed, scrambling over to Dan and shaking his hand, though it hadn't been offered. "I'm Phil! My roommate's just moved out- something about going to live with her boyfriend- and I was just telling Duncan that I was about to start looking for a new one. I mean, I know you probably want to get to know me first, but, you may be able to move in with me- until you find something better, or permanently. I wouldn't mind either way."

"Oh, uh, thank you." Dan was taken aback by Phil's offer- not in a bad way, really, but in an abrupt one. "That's- alright. That sounds lovely, thank you." He was agreeing before he knew what he was saying, and almost cursing himself. He didn't know this guy, and this probably wasn't the best neighborhood- he could be a cheery serial killer, for all he knew.

Something, though, told him that wasn't true, and that agreeing was the best thing he could do. After all, what harm could a semi-permanent roof over his head do? Phil's smile go impossibly brighter, and he bounced on the balls of his feet. "Awesome! Here, you'll need to talk to the superintendents- Ian, Anthony!"

As soon as he said it, Dan was gaping, and his jaw practically dropped to the ground when the two guys walked out, one of them calling "we're coming, we're coming."

"Oh my god," Dan was practically wheezing. "You're-"

"Yeah, yeah." the shorter of the two- Ian, Dan already knew- said. "Smosh. Thanks."

"We were Smosh," Anthony corrected. "Before-"

"The incident." Ian intoned. Dan wasn't sure what the incident was, exactly, but he knew that the duo had almost entirely disappeared from online after some fallout.

"Right." he said, still starstruck. "I'm, uh."

"He's my new roommate!" Phil exclaimed. "His name is-" His face fell, only just now realizing he hadn't bothered to ask his new roommate's name.

"Dan." Dan picked up the slack easily, and Phil's grin returned.

"Dan, that's right." he said, as if he'd known it all along. Ian and Anthony shared a skeptical look.

"New roommate? Your other one just moved out." Ian said. Phil shrugged.

"I move fast?" he said, and the two superintendents seemed to accept it.

"Good enough." Anthony said, before he moved his gaze to Dan. "Any priors?"

Dan looked affronted. "No." he spluttered. Anthony nodded approvingly.

"No pets, no drugs, or drinking if you're underage- you're not, are you?" He paused. Dan shook his head.

"I'm twenty one." he supplied. Anthony nodded again.

"Good enough. You two can work out rent or whatever, come in and sign whenever you're moved it." With that, he and Ian both turned and walked back inside.

Dan blinked slowly. "Did that just-"

"Yeah." Duncan said. Dan jumped, having almost forgotten he was there. He clapped Dan on the shoulder and grinned. "Well, Dan, welcome to Queue Avenue."

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A/N: I haven't written one of these in forever, wow. Anyway, this is my submission for phanfic's album challenge, my album being the soundtrack for Avenue Q. A little silly, but it was my first musical album, and it opened up a whole world of possibilities for me. The song today is, of course, What Do You Do With A B.A. In English/Sucks To Be Me. The whole cast isn't revealed yet, as it won't exactly be following the format of the musical, but it'll sure be something when it's done! Follow me on tumblr @ howltertop if you're interested in seeing more! Mature rating for future chapters- especially Fantasies Come True and Loud As The Hell You Want.