I'm a Walking Travesty

What Got Me Here

Hey guys! This is my first piece and I'm just writing off the top of my head please tell me what you think and tell me if you think things should be changed or if you love or hate it! Thanks so much! Also to all my readers I love you so much so if something triggers you please tell me. I will put trigger warning before I write it and put end trigger warning so you can just skip it if you want. I love you all.

***Trigger Warning*** Self harm and suicide attempt

I honestly don't know why I'm depressed. It's not like I have a lot to be depressed over. I go to a small university, my parents support me being gay, I have a job that makes me money, my parents pay for my college, I live with my parents still and I basically do whatever I want. So I don't know what I'm doing here with my razor in my hand. I started to slowly press the razor blade on my stomach but because I'm such a wuss I put it on my left arm. I slowly dragged it on my wrist and closed my eyes. It felt so good. It was my drug and I needed a fix. I flipped my arm over so the inside of my arm was exposed. I saw my tattoo and I felt guilty. I always cut around my stay strong tattoos on my wrists. I don't want them messed up I paid way too much for that shit. I took the blade and put in right on my vein. I pressed hard and dragged it for a few inches. It felt so good and the rush was insane. I looked at my sleeping pills there were about twenty left in the bottle and I swallowed them. I could feel myself slipping away. I saw that I was loosing a lot of blood but that's okay because this is how I wanted to go.

***Self harm and trigger warning over***

Everything was so blurry and I was sore. My head was sore, my stomach hurt and my arms were sore. FUCK. How did I survive that?! Want to know what's worse then committing suicide? It's surviving it, knowing that you couldn't even commit suicide right. I'm such a fuck up. A nurse noticed I woke up she looked at the machines I was hooked up and listened to my heart. " You gave everyone a scare." She said. She looked so gentle and motherly and her eyes looked sad. Like this was personal to her. Like she was sad that I was sad. "I'll go get the doctor." She said. I was NOT looking forward to seeing my parents I just don't want them to get mad. Not that they would ever be the type to be mad but I just feel like they would. I don't know why. It's not like I have anything to support this I just think that they would yell. A couple minutes later a doctor with a beard and a man bun comes into my room. "Do you know what happened?" You say as you are looking at my chart. "Well I tried to commit suicide and I failed at that so I am guessing that I'm at a hospital and that someone saved me." I said very pissed off. "Correct, your mother found you in your room bleeding out and not breathing. Would you like to talk to them?" You ask with a concerning look. "No." I say very sternly. "Okay, so here's what's going to happen then. Your parents and I have concurred that you should stay up in psych for a bit. We believe that it would benefit you." "No fucking way! You can't do that!" "Actually we can and we will. Your still 17 so technically we need their permission. They have already signed the papers. Now do you want to see your parents before you go?" I shook my head no and didn't say anything. Dr. man bun came over and put something into my I.V. and I quickly fell asleep.

I woke up and I was put into a wheelchair. A really robust looking doctor and security guard went with me up to the elevator up to the third floor. When they checked me in I was already in one of the hospital gowns so they let me change into a pair of sweatpants and a t shirt. I was sent to a room with one bed, a drawer and a desk. I laid down on the bed and fell asleep. When I woke up it was early morning. I could see the sunrise out of the window. I think it's really funny that they have a window in a mental hospital. Not like anyone would try to jump out or anything. "It's shatterproof just so you know" a nurse with really blonde curly hair told me. "Yeah." I said kind of sad that I wasn't able to jump right out of it. "I just need to take some blood, and take your vitals." She said as she pulled a needle out. Because holy shit everyone wants to just wake up and get a needle shoved into your arm. I let her take it and then she made me take one of those depression quizzes. I mean honestly like this is going to make a difference. I circled all the ones that made it seem like I was really happy and enjoying life. "One second." She said as she took the paper and left the room. A few minutes later an older guy came in really well dressed who basically looked like the young Robert Downing Junior shaved. Seriously, I'm not even kidding. "Anna my name is Dr. Nickels, I'm your psychologist. I see that you aren't taking this seriously." He says showing me the paper and waiting for a response. I didn't say anything and looked up at him. "Well tomorrow is your first day so I suggest you meet some of the patients. You will have therapy tomorrow and there is group every day but you can choose if you want to start it today or tomorrow." He said still waiting for a response from me anything to know someone is in this body. I just laid down and turned my back to him and fell asleep.

I woke up to someone knocking on my door. "Okay darling it's time for lunch. The doctor let you sleep because you had a long day yesterday and because you aren't an eating disorder patient." Some bubbly nurse with really sharp green eyes said. She led me down a long hallway with wooden flooring. Then we came to a double door and she opened it and there were about fifteen kids there of all ages. You could see that they were all separated and to the looks of it they did it on their own. "Go on darling." She said as I entered and I grabbed a plate with a sandwich and orange juice and went to sit down by myself. No one seemed to notice so I just ate by myself which I actually preferred if you ask me. The time flew by and I had only taken a third of the food when lunch was over. The same nurse came over and gave me a disapproving shake of her head. "Okay honey, it's free time so you can go do what you want or meet new people." She said as if it was her job to make sure the new patients made friends. I went back to my room and slept until dinner.

***Trigger Warning *** Self Harm the last two sentences

I got woken up to Dr. Nickels knocking on my door this time. "Hey Anna I just wanted to check up on you. The nurses told me that you sat alone at lunch and slept all day and didn't meet any people. " I didn't say anything as I put on my shoes and just stood there waiting for him to take me to the dinning room. "Anna if you want to get better you have to talk and make this program work." Okay first of all Dr. Nickels was getting on my nerves. Making this program work?! Okay it's not even my first day! I just wanted to sleep! Jesus Christ! I have a long road ahead of me apparently. All I wanted to do was sleep and not talk to anyone can't he understand that?! He looked at me waiting for me to say something after I didn't we headed to the dinning hall. They were serving soup and bread. But not just any soup, clam chowder, my favorite. I smiled and of course the doctor saw that. "Anna, meet some people." He sounded desperate when he said it. I walked in took a bowl and bread and sat and I ate a couple of servings. After dinner I was escorted to my room and the whole time I was thinking about when I laid down and stared out the window was if I could just slit my wrists open and die. Why couldn't I just do it right?!

Hey guys okay sorry It's kind of long I just really wanted to make sure you understand everything going on and what everything looks like.