Trying To Make It

Something To Think About

Disclaimer• this may contain suicide but I had got this idea from my best friend and I wanted to try.

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Hi........

I know weird way to start something like this but lets talk.

Funny today is April,26,2022 and I go to school in a couple of hours but who cares right but recently I honestly thought I been getting better mentally like I started wearing the things I wanna wear I been speaking out more kinda.....
But in reality I'm really closed off like I have these awful thoughts running in my head like a train. Like "your mother was right your stupid and fucked up" or "all people want from you is to use you and your to dumb to notice" or " your weird no one wants you" and that all that really run in my head day and night even when I smile even when I laugh. Sometimes I think my happiness was never met to be because when I'm truly happy it's only for a while.
NOT a long time either

I'm so tired of the adults around me telling me I have nothing to worry about When they are far from right..... I have so much on my plate and I still continue to fight and deal with the pain mentally. At the same time if I'm being truly honest my friends are really the only thing that keeps me from not stopping my heart. Like walking into my classroom seeing them and seeing how quick they wanna hug me makes me feel....loved?wanted?important?

Funny right you would of thought family is what keeping my heart  beating but its not its my friends. I know fuck up but I see my friends as family and I hope they see me as family to. Like the amount of times I wanted to ended my life because of my family and my problems but all that kept popping up in my head were memories of me and my friends. Like with my family I fell trapped I have to watch kids I didn't birth...I'm not complaining but after a while it gets tiring........but honestly that how I'm so good with kids now, even though I temper is really short.

Over the years my adhd wasn't as bad as it is now and I can't even get get the help I need because apparently to my mom says that she's my therapist and doctor. Which I just found weird. Like Tell me WHO CAN FORGET WHAT THEY DID 2 MINUTES AGO. Then my anger has been the same.....Bad but I'm learning to control it somewhat...Pfft-who am I lying to I'm a hot head.

But real talk I been talking to this person and they made me feel like my opinion and what I have to say is important even when I'm wrong they also make me feel wanted and they care for me like always putting my feelings first. I find it cute because we are forgetful which is another reason amongst many more reasons why they are so important to me. Funny I'm saying words like that because to my friend I'm always saying "boo love" or "ewww love"

Another thing I wanted to mention before I forgot was my friend group honestly I feel like slowly one by one they are starting to rip apart from our friend group I know I show be happy they are socializing with others but I'm not like what the hell I don't want them to forget about me.... Like I love those assbutts a lot. Sometimes I feel like slowly they are getting tired of me and my problems but I'm to scared to ask.

Recently I been starting to care less and more about things which is Hella confusing like what......but it's whatever.

          ~Until next time my angels~

-S