A Silent Confession (Ishida x Nishimiya Oneshot)

The Epiphany

Ishida layed there, feeling the mattress under him get heavier and heavier before it felt like he was being sucked into it. The pure weight of this realization was a burden on him, partly because he was surprised, but mostly because he had completely misunderstood her and probably crushed her heart in the process. He finally understood why she acted so strangely afterwards. She was probably embarrassed, sad and or any emotion between the two. He finally understod the strange "Stomach ache" that she had afterwards. It was all because of him.  He tried convincing himself that he wasn't in the wrong, and that he had just misunderstood Nishimiya. He tried convincing himself that it didn't matter and that she was already probably over it, but that irrational part of his brain took over again. It lied to him, and that darkness that he once felt as he cycled onto the bridge, seeped back. It was toxic and destructive, but he could do nothing. He felt powerless. On the outside he might've looked like the same happy guy, who everybody knew him as, but on the inside it was anything but that.

One day he looked at the calendar from that faithful april month. For some reason he hadn't thrown it out which would prove to be one of his most fatal mistakes. He started to cycle back into that depressive thought pattern of thinking he wasn't good enough. All that progress, that he had made since he met Nishimiya again, was thrown in the trash. He didn't think anybody could save him at this point. One day he almost relapsed as he picked up the calendar and the red pen, but was stopped by a notification on his phone. It was an email. He opened it up, and none other than Nishimiya had invited him to hang out. A small light shined through the dark. He stared at the email for a long time. He just stood there, before finally just putting down the phone and heading downstairs.

"Hey. Hope you slept well. Breakfast is ready." His mom said to him in usual cheery tone. He sat down and basically vacuumed the entire plate, in a matter of seconds. He said his thanks, and went on his merry way. "And where are you headed young man?" his mom stopped him dead in his tracks. He responded that he had to go hang out with Nishimiya and his mom didn't give a second thought. So there he went yet again on his merry way. While bicycling that irrational part of his brain kicked in again. "Does she have a motive? Is she just taking pity on me? Does she even consider us friends?" He tried to shake them away but they came back and even more violent. Yet somehow he kept going. He kept stepping on the pedals and moving forward. And soon enough he arrived.

He expected Nishimiya to be alone, but she was there with a bunch of their mutual friends. They all seemed having fun. But something was off. It wasn't them no, it was something he felt. He had his eyed fixated on some bird off in the distance, and he finally got a good glance at them. He couldn't look at them. It hurt. Why? Why was he like this? Hadn't he already overcome this? Why was it coming back, and why wouldn't it go away? Yet he still tried to be social just for the sake of Nishimiya. He had already hurt her and didn't want to make it worse. So he kept on pushing, and just focused on Nishimiya. But she just kept on talking to the others and it almost felt like she didn't know he was there. Until Ishida finally spoke up. "Hey Shouko how are you doing?" She flicked her head backwards and stopped, before resuming when she was next to Ishida. She signed to him that she was doing great, and how he himself was doing. Ishida proceeded to respond with a lie. He said everything was going smoothly. He didn't want to admit to her that everything was going downhill because of one dumb mistake. He didn't want to mention it again due to the fear of it making her even more sad. So he just kept the up the facade, and continued talking to her. 

The group was split up in some twos. Mashiba was with Kawai and Sahara was with Nagatsuka. And then there was him and Nishimiya. Talking and laughing at ridiculous stuff that the life had to offer and soon the toxic thoughts which dominated Ishida's mind where cast away, because he was having fun. Seeing Nishimiya laugh made him forget all about the event, because she was happy now. That's all he wanted. He wanted to see her in her best mood at all times. He didn't know where they were headed and honestly he didn't care. Until, Ishida looked foward and saw that they were nearing the bridge.