It's like a bad smell. You'd do anything to get rid of the disgusting stench of it. So you smell flowers, you spray perfumes. It doesn't go away. It sticks. It sticks like glue to paper. Like bricks to cement. Lingering. When you smell something bad, you try to get rid of the smell with other things. Literally anything else. But after those sweet smells leave you're stuck back with that stink. You notice it again. You focus on it again, and then thats all you can think about. You shove things up your nose to get rid of the smell. It wont leave. Suddenly the smell follows you around. To school, to the shops, down the road, in your room, your bathroom. Everywhere. You can't focus on anything but the smell and wanting to get rid of it. The smell never really goes away. You just become nose blind.
But it's not like a bad smell. It was his touch on your skin. How you scrub and scrub to scrape of the dirt he left behind. The filth that you never asked for. In fact you said no many times. And even if you didn't there were still signs you didn't want to. There were signs you were uncomfortable. And even if not, you were too young to consent. And now all your left with is the reminder that you're not the same person anymore. You were pure but they stole that from you. They didn't let you keep the tiniest sliver of purity you had left. The rest was long gone. It had been eaten away over the years.
Now, everytime you think you look good, you realise that you're still dirty. You'll never be clean again. This is what you are now. His eyes on you just that one time made you dirty. His hands his eyes his gaze made you dirty.
Maybe it was your fault. Maybe you were the reason it happend. People around you convince you it's not. But you cant get yourself to believe it. How could it not have been my fault? Maybe he was? maybe he was this maybe he was that.
It's not our fault. They had no fucking right. No fucking right and it's not fair that they grt to just carry on living their life while we're stuck in the shadows of their memory because they made us this way. They broke us. And now its up to us to fix ourselves because no one gets it.
