Mermaid Hotel (W.I.P)

Author Acknowledgement

May 3rd 2022

I dedicate the start of this work to the beloved memory of my close friend and Anna.

   
Brandon,
   From when I was 15 to 24, you were there during both my happiest and most painful moments. In the 8 years I had known you, you got me going through everything with our conversations despite us living on two different continents and having distinct time zones. We could only contact through messaging and chatting but yet it felt as though we were in the same room together.

Though I adored each story piece and the artwork you showed me, it was our friendship of nearly 8 years that I truly cherished the most growing up. It would come to be a friendship that will become one of the most unforgettable yet bittersweet of all my memories. One I'll carry in my heart of hearts for the rest of my life and until my last breath...

Especially since you're now gone...

I never forgot the surreal moment when I found out what had happened to you. I didn't want to believe it at first. That is to say: the wind was knocked out of me, and I don't think it will ever fully return... Just learning about your passing shattered my heart into many pieces. To this day, I can't listen to Lana del Rey without you crossing my mind since you were a huge fan of her music. Just one glimpse at our old conversations and your drawings for a while would make me feel both nostalgia and heartache. Remembering the little things about you,  like your favourite anime, games, comics and movies you happened to like enough to make my eyes burn with tears. I wanted to refuse the ugly truth over and over that you were gone. But denial is indeed a cruel mistress along with the harsh reality.

To be honest, I was never ready to let you go... I wasn't prepared to live in a world without you in it.

My mind had since repeated one simple word that speaks of a thousand questions; "Why?". You had a whole life laid in front of you with its unknown possibilities to explore. You dreamed about becoming a manga artist and putting your stories out as graphic novels in the world so that one-day people would read and enjoy your stories like how I do in our chats, almost daily. Despite everything that was going on in your life, you still put your heart into your craft while at the same time, juggling between jobs and caring for your family. Your eye can be pretty self-critical and hard on your artwork being the perfectionist you were. You would practice and experiment with various techniques so you could grow your art style. I know at times how it can be mentally and physically exhausting for you. Yet you never gave up and kept going despite every challenge and adversity thrown at you. In one of the last conversations I had with you, I remember how your words sounded hopeful and you were looking forward to a fresh start.

But in the end, God had another plan for you...

I never expected our conversation would be the last as we cheerfully toasted to our futures and dreams. I called you the boy who saved my life those years back and I was very happy that you were born. If only... If only I could foresee what happens next. Now recalling the last words I said to you, breaks my heart. I wished I could have been truthful to you in the end. If I would have known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I would have told you what I exactly felt about you after all this time.

In your death, I didn't lose just one of my best friends, my confidante, my counsellor, my mentor, my supporter, my rock, my Anna... I lost a guy that I have secretly carried a torch for since 2014. Do you know, with each passing day of getting to know you back then, I had harboured strong feelings towards you? Why? Because you're so kind and sweet. It was refreshing especially since I knew plenty of guys that liked to lead on and play with a girl's heart just to make themselves feel superior. But you genuinely want to know me and my thoughts. You made sure that I know that I had a creative mind bursting full of ideas and that if I were to bravely show that side of me to people, I'll not be underestimated easily. How could I not fall in love with you when it's difficult not to? I had fallen for you that fast and deep because of your pure heart. That's the main reason why my feelings had grown in those days and they continued to blossom in the years we were friends. You never did once judge me for anything. I had badly yearned to confess my feelings to you, I do... But I couldn't. The last thing I would want is to mess up our friendship. I couldn't bear the thought of ruining the bond we had. That's what I was most fearful of... Thus, in the end, I just kept my heart to myself with the reassuring thought; "If I were to remain your friend, just one of your good friends, it wouldn't hurt at all..."