Magnus Academy: The Cursed Blood Continuance

Life After: First Scene

It Feels Like A Sin

It feels like a sin.

Like I've been allowed something so beautiful that it became forbidden--a law I should not have broken. It felt like venturing into the light with darkness creeping in on every corner, that I could fall into them any second now but I couldn't make myself to. I was drawn to that very light, that peaceful tranquility enveloping every sinkholes of abyss in my mind, replacing them with something so soft and tangible I wouldn't mind being trapped in those voids if it meant having to breathe like this...it feels like a sin.

It was like looking at my own reflection, submerged inside something fantastical with nothing but blue hazes of currents surrounding me. The water gave security, neither cold nor warm--it was so tranquil like everything else in the world had gone into a gentle motion, my eyes following the soft pastels bouncing on the surface of the liquid as I laid beneath it, different hues carving unfamiliar traces that locked me in a standstill, unable to move because I was too enthralled by the sight.

Drowning used to feel so suffocating, with water breathing out every oxygen inside of me, my blood running frozen in panic alongside the equally fast racing of my heartbeat that would eventually slow down into countable measures. Drowning was scary just as it was peaceful, as though letting go of every single burden and simply allowing the waves to drown out all the intricacies of life.

It wasn't always the easiest way to leave the world, not with how one could feel that slow and agonizing way of air being snuffed out of their lungs or with the way it feels to have your own body sense its state of weakening, watching yourself deteriorate under the pressure of the water--those were what drowning felt like. Heavy, suffocating, and so difficult to do anything against, just that I had never thought of fighting against its volume before.

However, floating is different. It felt amazing, to have my body move along the waves, to be able to swim through the depths that used to engulf me whole--it was rejuvenating, tiring yet fulfilling. I have learned how to navigate a world that I thought was only ever good at drowning everything of me. I have never thought I could see the world in a different perspective just because I finally learned how to swim. It was refreshing, I couldn't even breathe yet...I felt safe, secured--and it wasn't lonely. It felt like going on adventure, venturing the unknowns without fear because I know I could always just breathe if I feel like I'm out of air.

Drowning was never a good thing, it gave me nothing but doubts and fear that would linger like the endless stars one would see in a clear night sky. But this...I am drowning yet I've never been able to breathe so clearly, drowning in the way their faces would contort into slight annoyance whenever something ticklish would disturb their sleep, drowning in the way their fingers would latch onto mine like I was a lifeline they could comfort into from whatever dreams they were having--drowning in the way their heartbeats would feel like a sincere rhythm of an apologizing storm.

I wonder what they could see behind those palest blue and vibrant platinum eyes whenever their curious gazes would meet my longing stare. I wonder if they could feel my anxiety and fear whenever they would cling desperately for my touch. I wonder if they could feel this insatiable love that fears all of this would get taken as soon as I close my eyes--afraid of the thought that this could be a mere dream, an illusion from one of my travels that I couldn't get out of because I've never wanted to.

Will I ever be forgiven for the things I've committed if they found out what kind of person the woman who brought them into this world was? Will those eyes turn into contempt and disgust like the others who viewed me as a villainous monster? Or will they understand and still call me like the person I'm supposed to be for them? I wish they could grow up already so they would know how much I care about them but there's this part of me as well that wish I could simply freeze this moment. So I could burn in my mind every little contours of their expressions, the details that made up their biology, or even just the tiny glistens that would dance in their eyes whenever light would flicker right at their pupils.