Left With Liam

Chapter 30

A/N: If previous chapters have made you cry... Bring tissues for this one. 

Mel

I haven't visited Justin's grave since I moved back to New York City. It was just too hard. I wanted a fresh start when I came back here, and going to that place that filled me with sad reminders of what I once had didn't seem like the best way to start my new life.

Since his funeral, I think I've visited the gravesite ten times. Most were in the first week following his burial. I went every day that week, crying my eyes out until I couldn't stand it anymore. Some days I went twice, just to see if it would help.

It didn't.

After that, I took to staying in bed mourning. It never helped. Things didn't get easier. Even when I was surrounded by clothes and sheets that still smelled like him- it never took away the pain I felt in his absence.

I think that's why I left the city. Being here left me with too many reminders of what I lost. Everything I saw prompted me to think of Justin.

Eventually, I didn't want to return to the cemetery. It was a cruel kind of blessing- having him laid to rest in New York instead of Nevada. His mom knew the city was his home. It was where he wanted to remain. So, she had him buried here instead of where she lived.

New York was where his career was, where his friends were, where his life was. It was a blessing in many ways for his new family to have him so close should they want to come visit, but to me, that blessing turned cruel.

When it finally sank in that he was gone- that I'd never see his smiling face again- it no longer seemed like a gift. Having the reminder that he was gone so near felt like a dagger to the heart.

I didn't want to see that wretched stone that told me of a life taken too soon. I didn't want to see his name etched forever on a marker that told the world that his life was short-lived. I only wanted him.

But I could no longer have him.

He was gone. And I wanted to be too.

When I chose to leave New York, I visited him one last time. I brought a bouquet of purple lilies and sat near his gravestone as I told him I was leaving- that I was moving back to Florida.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Until today.

I knew Taylor was right when she told me I needed to see him- Justin. It's what I've been avoiding for far too long now. And it's the one thing that may help bring me the closure that I so desperately need.

When she brought it up, I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. She took the day off so she could come with me in case I needed support. I mulled over her words for a couple of days, preparing myself for what I knew would be an emotionally charged day.

I decided that I didn't want to go straight to the cemetery. I wanted to take the day and visit all of Justin's favorite places- the places that held some of our most memorable moments.

We started at his favorite diner. It was a mom 'n pop place that served the best brunch in the city. The owners would greet every customer by name, Justin and myself included, and ask how our lives were and how our families were. It was a wholesome place, one I hadn't been back to since my last visit with Justin.

Walking in there with Tay, I felt a rush of memories flood my mind. Each one made me smile. Then I was greeted by two friendly faces- Loretta and Wilson- the owners of the diner. I wasn't sure they'd remember me after all this time, but somehow, they did.

They gave Taylor and me both big hugs and showed us to a familiar booth. It was the same booth Justin, and I always sat in. Every time we'd come, that booth was always vacant. It was like the universe knew we were coming and wanted us to have that spot. Today was no different.

It brought tears to my eyes as I sat where Justin usually did, running my hands over the worn vinyl padding. I remembered the time he dropped a massive bite of eggs benedict in his lap. I couldn't stop laughing as he tried to clean up the large yellow spot that landed dead center on his jeans.

He told me it was my fault- that if I weren't so distracting, it wouldn't have happened. He told me my beauty was so bright that he just couldn't look away. The memory brought a smile to my lips.

After Loretta brought us two tall glasses of orange juice, she asked if we wanted our usuals. I opened my mouth to answer, but the words caught in my throat as a knot formed, preventing me from correcting her.

Tay knew what I wanted, though. We talked about it before coming. "Actually, we're going to split Justin's usual, please."

Loretta nodded, knowing exactly what the order was- eggs benedict with extra hollandaise, a short stack of blueberry pancakes, and a large side of bacon. I saw her wipe her eyes as she walked away.

She and Wilson knew what had happened to Justin. They knew the reason I hadn't been back to visit. I was grateful they didn't ask how I was doing. In truth, I have no idea how I would have answered that question. Loretta probably knew that too.

When our food came out, Tay and I split everything and shared one sad look before digging in. That look said it all. This day was about Justin. We would celebrate him by visiting his favorite places, then we would visit him, and I would say goodbye.

I let one tear fall before digging into the delicious plate in front of me. Today would be tough, but it was necessary for me to heal.

~

After leaving the diner, Tay and I visited several more spots. We went to Justin's favorite museum, his favorite music venue, his favorite pizzeria, and finally, his favorite spot in Central Park.

As we sat on the familiar rock, looking out at the water, tears freely fell from both mine and Taylor's eyes. This spot held so many memories. I came here with Justin countless times just to sit and listen to the wind and water all around us.

We would talk for hours on end, losing track of time as the world continued on around us. Many kisses, hugs, cuddles, and other intimacies were shared at this spot, making me smile as the waterworks kept coming. I felt his presence as my heart grew heavy.

This was the last stop before we would head to the cemetery. Tay didn't rush me. She knew I needed this more than anything.

We sat there until my legs went numb, and my tears stopped falling. The air around us seemed to change, telling me it was time.

So, with one more deep breath, I got to my feet and turned to Tay. "I think I'm ready."

Without a word, she took my hand, and we headed to our final destination. After several years, I was finally revisiting Justin's grave.

I was going to see his headstone, see his name etched above the timestamp of his life. I was going to talk to him for the first time in many years.

I was going to say goodbye. 

A/N:

Super emotional chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. Mel's next chapter will be at the cemetery... Prepare yourselves, it's bound to be an emotional one. 

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