Open and Delicate; The Fractured Soul

Flowing Slowly

Life can be a blessing or a curse, unfortunately we don't get to decide which it is. You have some lucky ones who were dealt a bad hand and worked tirelessly to change that and it worked. While you have others that work day and night, always defy gravity no matter how much the odds are stocked against them but in the end they are stuck. Unbecoming of anything great or worthy of being appreciated or remembered.

Unfortunately I am the latter, I have worked my entire life to be the worthy child, the best student, the most successful person from my community but have failed continuously. I was not dealt a bad hand but a bad life - as no matter how much the deck reshuffles and another hand is issued I still get fucked. Royally Fucked.

Sometimes I asked myself why bother? Why live? I am not special, life does not owe me anything and clearly she knows it as she always tries - and succeeds fucking with me. I am dirty, disgusting, unworthy, undeserving, stupid, a whore. Why not just end it all, what the fuck do I have to live for? I have no body. Everyone only tries to use and or control me. No one really loves me.

What did I do in the pass life to deserve such a shitty one now? Did I rape? Kill, thief? It cannot be that bad for my hardly existing world to always be in shambles. From my hair to my toes sick stomach. I fake confidents, pretending that I am sexy or attractive. I would not even attract an animal much less have a preference in what I want in a relationship. A relationship is not the main thing that I think about, its success. To not only be wealthy but to build a legacy - a dynasty. To be successful enough that everyone knows my name, history books written after me, shows and movies created about me. To be successful enough that I live comfortably. Money might not be the main source of happiness but it does limit stress and struggles and that way one can focus on other important things that life has to offer.

Relationship- Yes, that's what I want - also great friendships, companions and family. I don't have any of the above - at least not really, at least it does not feel like it. So yeah relationship. Someone who provides what's missing: touch, hugs, kisses and company. A relationship is so much more than a relationship, Its life- I do not care how much one talks about liking to be alone, and rather thy own company. I do too, but human connection? You cant possibly, one hundred percent, no lies, truthfully tell me that you would not want to experience love, that you would not like to have a life long companion or even a short one. Someone who is there, someone who gets you. Don't judge, does not go behind your back, someone who makes you laugh and smile- with hardly even having to try. Someone who gives you purpose, encourages, challenges and supports you. Someone who you can argue and bicker with but they will always be your person. Someone who makes you take risk - who makes you want to risk it all. Open and delicate.

Romance ? I don't know much about it, what I do know is pain, and loss, and hunger, hurt and betrayal. If you have not yet realized, this is wind - wind at its finest- Pure yet tainted, natural and real, shitty because of outside factors. These are thoughts, my mind on the verge of imploding. This is my suicide note, I have been feeling suicidal. Its not the first but recently, everyday I have been thinking about killing myself. To be honest I don't want to go through it, the world is beautiful in its own sick and twisted Massimo way. I want to live but I have nothing or no one to live for. I can't live for myself because I hate me, one hundred percent. I am worthless, No-one. Nobody, I am like gum on the bottom of a shoe, stepped in shit, with a nail stuck in. I hate me.

I do not want to hate myself but I do, I hate me so fucking much. I don't deserve to live, I do not deserve love and I know everyone else knows it too, which is why I am so lonely - alone. I have nobody and nobody has me. 'Sags and baggage, lines and marks that twirls, skin and stout and curls, follicles that snap, evil mirror, what a pity, what a shame, who would want to be with, much less be?' 'Flowing slowly, can you see it run? I did what I did but not for funny, am I crazy you ask, are you dumb? NO I AM HURT, from the oxygen that I so clearly deserve but have never once been given, broken, broken is thee and thy remains unrepairable, un-put to gatherable. A fragment lost and cannot be undone. Flowing slowly can you see it run?, How thick, how smooth- yet its sticks and it stains and it smells like someone pressing work formal to be off for the job that pays. Scars riddles and ragged, old and ones that will surely form. Fresh, ripped bone and flesh covers, Ripped meat that covers bone and lays under sheets. The view red, screams chaos, Why, why why, why, why? Why do you care? Why now? Did you care why the word apposite of after- after you might not feel the hole in your chest but I hope you feel the loss, that something- no, someone is missing. Flowing slowly its too late now, the action has been done and cannot be undone, flowing slowly do you see me now, Flowing faster, watch it slip, flowing- and floated, its gone now. I did what I did because I never got to taste oxygen, maybe I will now, It flowed slowly but the life went quick'

There is no surviving now. What have I done? Don't make the same mistake that I have - learn to love you, your worthy.