In Control

Prologue

I never wanted this.

I never wanted to feel like I was trapped in a labyrinth constructed by the negativity and unrealistic fears that took residence in every corner of my mind. I never wanted to live in constant fear made up of nothing but what-ifs. I never wanted to feel so much depression and anxiety before I even reached my teenage years. I never wanted to have this last for over 10 years.

I didn't have a choice. It's not like mental illness picks and chooses its victims. It just happens. I was affected by it at a young age and missed out on so much growing up.

I couldn't go to school, I couldn't make friends, and I would cling to my mother just to feel some sense of security. I was medicated and counseled. I would answer every "how are you" with "fine" because that's all I longed to feel. I thought death was the only way to escape at one point, but I was too much of a coward to attempt anything.

I couldn't control it. I didn't know what was going on. All these negative thoughts swirled around in my mind and I allowed for them to consume me. I allowed for it to control my life. I was a walking puppet controlled by the melancholy of my mind.

So many tears were shed out of fear, disappointment, anger, and just utter sadness.

There was no free will. There was no way out of it. There was no way to gain control again.

At least that's what I thought at the time.

I didn't know that the "there's a light at the end of the tunnel" phrase was actually real. I didn't know that I could be happy just by finding the will to fight through it all. I didn't know that I could live my life without having to look over my shoulder in constant fear.

I didn't know that I could overcome all of that and live my life like I should: in control.

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A/N: This is something really personal that I've always wanted to write and share with others. I'm not sure if this is going to be triggering to some, but I'm going to put a trigger warning in advance. Everything that I write in this story will be true to the extent of my memory. I don't want this to be a depressing story, but rather an inspirational one because I want everyone to know that you've not alone and nothing is impossible.

Love you all! -Rebecca xoxoxoxo