After Snow

Special (T)

It's another snowy day. Gentle breezes force their way through the world, and send wisps of fragile snow ascending into the air. Falling gently, indifferent to the world around them, bits of snow fall to meet their brethren. They don't care about what troubles befall the world they fall on, they simply fall. They're beautiful for that reason. They're admirable, in their consistency. They don't ask any questions, they don't need to, they simply fall.
    Why am I different from the snow? Even thinking of that question proves my ineptitude, it proves I'm a lie. I want to be like the snow. I want to be confident in my choices, indifferent to the world around me. Somehow, though, it draws me in. I can't ignore the world around me. I wish I could, but for whatever reason I still care too much. I find myself sad when people ignore me, and happy when they talk to me.
   
I know that I can't let that happen though. I should distance myself, in order to keep myself safe. Mother gets upset if I have friends, more mouths to feed. I'm already grateful enough that she feeds my own mouth, so I shouldn't trouble her with another. I'm nobody special. My family knows that, and so do I.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It's warm and cozy in my bed, and my eyes seem to keep themselves open outside of my will. I'm supposed to wake myself up, because if I don't wake myself then my Father has to. I already know what I'm going to wear, I know what's going to happen in school today. I know that my classmates will get in the same groups as always, and ignore my existence. Except maybe Kiragi, but he's the only exception. I wonder how long he'll keep talking to me?
   
I manage to sit up in my bed, and look out the large frosted window that stands just adjacent to my bed. I can see the beginnings of life outside, the early morning sunrise painting the freshly fallen snow in light. I see an adult walking their dog, and watch them stain the world with their footprints.
   
My heart freezes, and I look at a pair of small footprints that have no owner. They lead away from my house by themselves, and return with a second pair of tracks. The initial footprints must be mine from last night, returning with Kiragi. But, last night was a dream, right? It must have been. There's no way a murder could have occurred in our hometown, right in front of me, right? My chest starts to feel exceptionally tight, I can only see those footprints. The large ones from last night, that I innocently hopped in, following them with reckless abandon. Following them to see something straight from a nightmare. Only...it wasn't a nightmare. It was real.
   
I still hear the sickening thwack, that malicious voice, forcing its way into my ears. I can see Kiragi's eyes, wide as dinner plates and with small flecks of tears in their corner, as he watched something horrific hidden from me with a blanket. "Hmugh!" I have to put my hands in front of my mouth, and stop my gagging from turning into vomit.
   
I slowly bring my hands down from my face. I watch them tremble in my lap. Maybe my hands are still, and instead my entire body is trembling. I clench the blanket in my lap, and then wrap it around myself. It's comforting, fluffy, and gray. I don't own a gray blanket, do I? A sudden realization zings through my mind. I fling the blanket off of me, the world around me flickering out of focus. The blanket, it's Kiragi's, it's proof. It's further proof that last night wasn't a dream at all! My breathing has quickened and my heart is beating hard enough to make my chest hurt. I need to calm down.
 
  "Tsukki. Get out of the house." My father makes his presence known outside my room. His voice creeps under the fragile door that stands between us. My eyes lock onto the copper doorknob. Through the door I can see him, I can see my father. His blurred figure, standing outside waiting for me. Waiting for me, just as the man is waiting outside my home to kill me.
    I'm panicking, I know I am, I can't stop these thoughts from breaking into my mind and invading my soul. I'm being paranoid, yet I can't stop it. The world around me is spinning, blurring. I can see my face, rigid and frozen just as Shiroyami's was yesterday. The snow piling around me, carelessly. The man approaching me, he's here!
   
Somebody's screaming, I can hear them. I throw my hands up in defense from the oncoming slaughter, praying for anybody to stop this. My hands are grabbed, and ripped down from my face. The man is here, his face blurred and shadowy behind the blanket I hide in the snow with.
   
My cheek explodes with pain. My ears ring, I smell metal. Every moment that passes a new wave of throbbing pain permeates from my cheek to my mind, paying no mind to the time that's passed since initial contact. I'm calming down, I know where I am. I'm not in an alleyway, and there isn't a man trying to kill me. I turn slowly to face my father, trying to get my breath back under control. My father, not the killer from last night. His hand is wrapped like a shackle around my wrists. The second hand rises in the air, preparing for the second blow. I close my eyes, and grit my teeth, flinching in anticipation.
   
Reflexively, once my father lets go of my hands they fly up to my cheeks. I cradle them, and lament my lapse in judgment. The scream earlier must have been my own, and he rushed in to quiet me down. "I'm sorry." I whisper to my father, opening my watery eyes while hoping a more kind sight greets me.
   
He's crouching at the foot of my bed, with a hand on his pointy chin. His black eyes look apathetically at my face, before he reaches out with his other hand. Slowly and gently, grabbing my chin. "Take your hands down Tsukki. Let me make sure your swelling is even." I nod slowly, and force my hands away from my stinging cheeks. He jerks my head from one side to the other, before rising back to his feet. "Clean yourself up. And then get out."
 
  "Yes Dad." He turns around and leaves without another word to me. This is my world, my life. I'm not somebody worthy of attention, I'm simply somebody who should be ignored. It's much easier that way, less painful for everybody. The only thing I am is a burden. I annoy, I belittle, I'm cold. Nobody would like me, not even the people who are nice enough to have given birth to me. I'm not beautiful like the snow, I'm not unique like their flakes.
   
I head to the restroom, and climb on a stool to look at myself in the mirror. My brown eyes are distant and unreadable, the eyes of a worthless dead woman. That's what my mother always says. I run some hot water, and begin wiping the blood away from my nose. I have to take care of my nose, or that metallic scent will fill my mind all day. Afterwards, I have to make sure my mouth isn't bleeding while I brush my teeth. I'm fine today, so I turn off the water. My cheeks may swell slightly, but thanks to the cold they won't be painful all day. Thanks to the snow.
   
I go back to my room, and get changed into my clothes to go to school. I take a glance outside my window, and place a hand on the cold pane of glass. Such beautiful pillows of snow fell overnight, and are waiting for me to go out and greet them. Timelessly and without care for anything else, snow builds up and falls.
   
Only one boy is out now, waving wildly towards who I can only assume to be a friend of his without any shame. It's hard to make out through the frosted window, but he seems to be wearing a baggy green jacket. He reminds me of Kiragi, a boy so unabashedly himself. Paying no mind to the snow, and somehow seeming to be one with it. A realization hits my stomach, my eyes widen. It is Kiragi, and he's waving at me.